I am carrying a really big guilt. I don’t know how to cope with it. I was dating a guy for a year and then I got scholarship to do phd in another country. And after few days of confused state we decided to get married because I couldn’t see him sad (he had a traumatic past). And we secretly got married. For some reason I had to come back and we started living together. The relationship was not working. I was depressed for giving up everything for him and he couldn’t take it. There were fights, verbal abuse for years. And one day I found someone with whom I could connect. I started meeting him. Though I told my husband about this new friend. He thought all of this I am doing is just to have physical relationship with another man. He never realized there were problems in the relationship. It’s been months we live separately. He wanted me back because he tells me I used to understand him and care for him. I didn’t go because I am tired of doing things, criticism, sarcasm and his misogyny.
But I feel guilty and I don’t know what to do. I get panic attacks and feel like I should kill myself. I want to go back because I feel so guilty but I know I cannot live with a who does not respect women and who just want me there to help him recover from his traumatic past.
I feel so hopeless. I feel I lost everything. Everything is falling apart. I can’t deal with any of this.
I believe that you have reached that point because you were seeking for his happiness and look what just happened to you !? I think it is time to think about YOURSELF and to think about your future and new plans to recover from the past you have been hurting from !! You should look for your happiness … You should strive for it and find what makes you feel grateful about the live you are living … I mean How many years we are still left to leave ? 30-40 years !!! so what are you going to do with those years ? Going back and repeating the same routine ( You are only killing yourself) … Yes , we should give help to those who need us … but they should stand on their own , they should look for the solution for their problems not only nagging about it … I see that you have done your best for his happiness … Now, It is time for your happiness !
So you gave up your PhD because of him?
Yes sort of. I was trying to help him because he was going through a really bad phase
That was a mistake because you will always remember of that as something you gave up on because of someone. You both need to love each other and that means supporting each other’s growth. If you found someone you can connect with, you will have to move on. You can still try to be friends with an ex-boyfriend but this rarely happens sadly. Things would never work if you hurt each other and feel guilty.
Problem is we got married secretly so that he can come with me. But he didn’t get the visa. The relationship after that has been toxic. And now I have involved with someone else he slutshamed me. I always felt helpless after our fights because I couldn’t do anything as the secret marriage was there.
I still feel so guilty that I abandoned him. He cursed me that I have committed a sin and God will punish me.
Sounds like you got married for all the wrong reasons and you’re trying to help him - not ideal and it was never gonna work in the long term. Have you officially divorced him? This is the only way to move on.
No not yet but we are living separately. I am scared because it was a secret and my family is not at all supportive. And I don’t think so he will be ready. He asked me if we ever has to get divorced I have to say to everyone that I have cheated that’s why it’s happening.
I wish I could fight but he is borderline abusive.
I am guilty and scared about everything.
Real sorry about this situation but he seems awful because:
- you gave up on something big to help him
- he is abusive
- now he is threatening you
You got married in secret and it was not a good idea. You will need to come clean with your family otherwise he will think he can manipulate you because of your fears. You need to tell them the marriage was a mistake and true, you met someone else. If you don’t do that and be scared, he will have control over you big time.
