**I am being prepared, I am not being Punished**
This is my favorite phrase at the moment, sometimes we tend to think that we are being punished because of all the negative  stuff that happens to us.  However we are being prepared, our future selves will thank all the hardships we had to go thru when we receive everything we've ever wanted  and  we are just so happy enjoying  life.

👏👏👏👏 thats how it should b......

bad experiences in life are the greatest teachers we can have....

Gratitude

I went to my nani’s home and now i am leaving after 1 week.. she is not giving me a penny even if i asked her.. why would she do that.. it’s hurting 😞

Depression

Can you be my good friend  for always 😃

3am Thoughts

वियोगी होगा पहला कवि,आह से उपजा होगा गान। 
निकल कर आँखों से चुपचाप,बही होगी कविता अनजान।।
🌷

Compassion

Feeling so lonely....can anyone talk with me casually? Really need someone in life.....with whom I can at least talk.....my heart is crying out loud...but my eyes can't ..... remembering my ex feels like slicing my heart as can't get her back...she don't love me anymore....she want someone special with whom she'll feel like sparking her life....and after so many things....so many efforts...she was fed up with me....
I miss her so much....I love her from the bottom of my heart...and can't forget her like this....what to do...😭

Lonely

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. While we knew each other for last two years (as close friends), it was only recently I met him for offline.

The moment we met, we got into a relationship. I always felt I am not worthy of a proper love story and my insecurities got better of me.

He asked me for some space as he was dealing with some personal crisis and health issues. But keeping me in dark for weeks, checking my msgs and not replying, especially at a time when I was struggling and it felt like my lifeline is gone. He was a guide to me and i couldn't do well without having him around.

I fell down into a spiral of emotional breakdowns and overthinking that made me question his love. (Also sent a long message blaming myself and partially blaming him too).

That hurt him and he cut off all communication with me without even a word. Recently he gave me a closure when I begged him to answer what's going on. It hurt him that I lost trust in him and his love and since I always end up having this insecurities, mental breakdowns, he didn't want to get bogged down by my mental health.

I know am at fault.  This is second relationship I am losing because of my mistakes and I try real hard to change myself.

I also know I hurt him badly. He changed my attitude towards men and proved me there are nice, decent and gentlemen out there.

Now I don't know what to make of this. How to rectify myself. My relationship is over, he is gone.

I am left with my mind that's always anxious, chaotic and broken. I don't want to be like this. I wish I knew what to do.

I hate myself so much that I became that clingy girlfriend who couldn't give her bf some space. Being the other side of the toxic spectrum hurts so bad! I was the toxic one here and I can't seen to handle it. 

Breakup

Feeling low and back to hating myself. Nothing new. Nothing special. Why does nothing work for me. Like nobody. Everytime i jumb into something toxic. And get back on my own. 


My journey.


Lets start with the Racing thoughts, I’m pretty sure everyone has a lot of thoughts right? But the weird thing about mine is that they are always so loud and crowding my head. I can think too much and get overwhelmed, Too many thoughts, going too fast and being critical. My thoughts are terrible. Some tell me to kill myself, other thoughts tell me to kill other people.

Next is my loss of appetite, I can just not get hungry and want to starve myself until I’m my desired weight. Other times though I will eat, but only things that look appetizing, I don’t know if I am just being picky but I just don’t get hungry and well if ai do then I eat and feel nauseous afterwards.

Then there’s the extreme mood swings, mood swings ah yes, everyone gets them. But not as terrifying as mine I hope. One minute I’ll be crazy happy, dancing and singing then in a split second I’m being self destructive and hateful towards everyone. And I mean these mood swings happen within a time frame of less than 30 seconds. It could be hormones but I haven’t met anyone who is a bad as me which leads me to the thought that there is something wrong with me or I am just broken.

Whelp then there is the self harm and suicidal ideations. I’d cut myself, burn myself, stab myself with a pencil, pull my hair out, scratch my skin until I bleed, pick my nails, bite my nails so short they bleed, bash my head on a wall. My suicidal thoughts go without saying I want to die.

Lack of sleep? This is something I am sure everyone has a few times in their life but for me I am not able to get to sleep, I can lay in my bed staring at the ceiling praying I fall asleep soon. I can physically wear myself out but it doesn’t works I still can’t sleep. I limit my electronic interactions.

Emotionally withdrawn, I feel like I am physically there but emotionally not. I am numb as all hell. I feel like I can’t feel typical emotions, I feel like I don’t have a connection with my mum even though she is the only one I have the closest connection to in the entire planet.

Moments when I am floating or not real. When I stand up I get headspins and I feel like I am not there, Like I go to another place. I get lost in time. I stand up I get headspins and I get dizzy, I have to hold onto something near me to keep my from falling over and hurting myself.

Different personalities / different ‘people’ in my head. I am more than one person like I can be myself when I am with my mum and a different person alone. I can be the happy and dancing girl then I can be someone who just wants to inflict pain. This isn’t me.

Self destruction, I hate myself and I display it. I hurt myself because I am not good enough for myself. I am not the person I wanted to be so I punish myself. I criticize myself in the mirror, I see pictures of me and feel like it isn’t me, I don’t know who I am looking at and I don’t know who I really am.

Socially withdrawn, I can feel like I am lost even when I am in my local supermarket. I don’t talk to anyone there, when it comes to time to pay I cry and lose myself I don’t remember what I am doing, I feel like its just stress of being mature. I don’t know.

Crying when confronted or yelled at, I don’t know why but when someone yells at me or raises their voice at me I cry.

Extreme fear of abandonment. I get scared that my friends and or partners are going to leave me by asking if they will leave me they get annoyed and leave anyway. I get anxiety when someone leaves even for a few hours.

Clingy, I am clingy to people I care about and I don’t want to lose.
 There's more but I'm still writing it.
I need help n I don't trust myself anymore.



heyyy hloo hiii i was in relationship with a girl for last 3 year and i love her so much but  last 5 month before she told me i don't want to talk you or she didn't talk me  and i was in so much depression and pain i am student and i was not able to read but last few days i was recovering little bits from this but again she came in my life and she is telling i love you so much but when i talk her i fell so much tension so much anger so much pain and  i am feeling i should not talk to her but if i am not talking i am flail for her but i am sure i will not talk her at any cost.then what should i do?plzzz if any body can help me? 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts