I am a 23 year old female living in India and It’s been more than 2 months I talked to my ex boyfriend with whom I ended a 7 year of relationship. It was getting really toxic and we both were getting hurt in it. I was not able to love him anymore because he used to use abusive language for my parents (because one time they found out about my relationship and wanted me to break up with him but I didn’t breakup and just started hiding and lying better) and I couldn’t handle that, I tried my best to make him understand that it hurts me and he should stop doing that and he used to promise that he would stop but everytime we fight it would eventually come back to that. I allowed him more than I should have and regretted all of it. Maybe it was all my fault that it didn’t work out between us. Or maybe he made me feel like that, I don’t know. All I know is I was very loyal to him always and he couldn’t trust me at all and I can say this based on this incident that happened last year I don’t know for what reason he asked to check my entire apartment (including bathroom and under the bed as if I was sleeping with someone else) in the morning on a video call (I was working in Goa at that time) and I was so hurt that I couldn’t even talk to him, and the most stupid thing he said was “I don’t trust your roommate and she might have some guy over in the appartment and you wouldn’t tell me because I will get mad” and to top that he checked the appartment after my roommate left. How can I take that stupid excuse of his and think that he trusts me? I stayed there for 1.5 months and cried mostly every other day because of the fights and eventually quit my job and came back home and sat home for months without job I still couldn’t meet him regularly bcoz of strict parents but he was happy that I came back home. I was so invested in him that I didn’t had any friends(I still don’t) bcoz I was busy with either talking to him or fighting with him. Earlier I used to tell him everything and I mean literally everything about my feelings, family issues, A to Z in all detail but with all this things happening I eventually stopped sharing my feelings with him because he just wouldn’t understand any of it and would like if I would have just done the things he wanted me to or would use my feelings against me in next fight. In this 7 years a lot of things happened in my family which shook me and I couldn’t handle the pressure of hiding a relationship from my parents and tried breaking up with him a few times but he would always talk me out of it and I also stayed bcoz I loved him.
Before I broke up we were fighting a lot and I started ignoring his texts and phone calls and he was threatening me to call on my mother’s phone and my sister’s phone if I wouldn’t pick up his call or if I wouldn’t reply to him on time. It all really hurts me and he knows that and still did that and left me crying sleepless every night in fear that what if he called on my mother’s phone, and i kept thinking how would i handle that situation, it was really depressing.
Inspite of all this today I still miss him and I do care about him a lot. I wonder how is he holding up without me bcoz he didn’t wanted to break up with me and I ended up blocking him on all my social media and also blocked his number. I still hope that he would be fine and able to move on happily and find someone who can love him and stay with him. I don’t hate him because I can’t hate someone I loved with all my heart and soul. I don’t know what I did was right or wrong but all I knew was I needed peace and sometime for myself.
In my next post I am sharing his last email to me. I don’t know why I still care about him so much even after being so hurt. Please read it and let me know your advice on my situation. PART 2 is already posted.
How should I reply?
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