How do I find myself, a life of lies, deceit, pain …….a mask of calmness years in the making. Insanity, a maze of my own doing, what is real? Does it matter anymore? How can I tell the difference? The current me ? or the glimpses of emotion, kindness and hope for a future………is it just a wish? is it even my own or another wall in a maze. Endless fractures on the glass that is my self. Broken pieces, A wish or maybe hope to be complete again ……pieces to far apart or lost, what would they make? Is this me? The real me? Layers in a maze, hiding I know not what……is it me or something better or darker? I can catch glimpses of light thru the cracks, I can see someone, something I don’t recognize. It’s not broken, has not been beaten. It is whole, mysterious, unknown yet beautiful. Part of me knows that was meant to be me. Now a cruel reminder of what I am not and how shattered and lost I am. I try again and again, years decades pass, is harder every time. Every piece I pick shatters as a touch it, every wall leads to another. So long lost and shattered I can’t remember what I set out to put back together, did these pieces make anything of worth? Is this maze endlessly growing? Yet a continue, but wonder is it worth it? Am I looking for something impossible to reach or fix after being broken for so long? I don’t know…… yet a continue to struggle, illogical madness…….swimming on an endless ocean with no direction….what is there but to drown.
A monster……. I can’t remember who created who. Am I the creator or the created? Is this longing for more me? The constant pain of what I know I don’t have but hope for or the monster that continues forward with no purpose, wounded….broken instinctively walking forward….a howl at the unattainable moon……a dream……moving yet not reaching anywhere …… anything…… anyone. I look back I can’t even see what steps I have taken, have I moved at all……….where did I start. What has the journey been? Pain? Joy? Progress? Stagnation? Despair or hope? It has been so long since I can tell the difference…….is there one? Can I even tell them a part? I am tired……. How long do I have to carry on with these broken pieces, have I ever been not shattered? My own worst enemy…… is it me? The world? Am I so broken I can’t recognize my own steps?..……do I cry for my current self or for the unrecognizable child trapped in a maze of his own making, broken…reaching…….Am I crying or is it yet another mask…. as I shatter in to more broken pieces. Do I feel pain for the monster or the me that created it. It is sad, painful it is madness an eternal struggle with no end, a wish never to be attained. A endless walk forward with no goal, or direction.