Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hi ya’ll.

I just had some moment of clarity today and it was depressing as hell to me so I am sharing it with you. So here is my story. I was born after my parents lost their first baby girl due to some complications during labour. As every stereotypical family in the 90s my dad and his side of the family always wanted a son but they were just happy to have me because I was a rainbow baby.

My dad loved and still loves children and I was very much cherished until my sibling was born (i was 6 at that time), another girl. He wasnt very accepting to the situation but later on he was alright since we were his children only. But gradually as my sister was growing up I was unknowingly neglected. Not that I noticed it or I blame anyone for it but the things that followed were not pleasant for me.

Roughly 2 yrs later when I was around 8 I suffered a trauma in the form of molestation/sexual abuse for a while in my own house. It was by a religious figure/tutor who used to come and teach me 2-3 times a week. I was very scared of him because he was an angry person and threatened me and ofc like other children I wanted to be in his good books so I never understood what was happening nor I told directly to my parents. After months or so I went to a friends house who told me that the same teacher was kicked out from their house because of inappropriate behavior (which she described to me and I came to know that it was happening to me too and this could actually stop). Meanwhile my parents had no idea bcz my dad was in office and my mother was excrutiatingly busy raising my sibling who was a toddler at that time. And lets be honest which parent expects their child to be handed over to a pedophile in the face of a teacher …that too a spiritual one.

I was still very scared to tell them the whole truth because I was scared what would happen to me. My perpetrator came to watch me dance and participate in events at school and outside too so I knew he was everywhere and I wasnt safe at all. Anyhow I wanted the reading to stop and also gathered courage to tell my mother during the summer vacation when i had a gap from him. I lied to her at the end saying the degree of inappropriation was pretty less (just looking at me in a weird way and trying to touch me and stuff while the reality was far from it). She was furious at that came to an end. But my trauma did not.

I know this is long so I would post the rest of it later if you want? Please be kind. I really feel low.