Hi Now&Me family,
I am unable to put my feelings into words. Because i constantly feel that there is someone or something can be said to justify that what i am feeling is ridiculous or i am just being selfish😞
I do agree that i am a very sensitive person that easily get offended especially when the comment comes from my mum. I easily get into argument with my mum trying to justify what i feel and but constantly been ridiculed by her😞
Every end of the argument, i always feel this intense feeling of lonely and no desire to live, i would always feel not needed and not important that my absence would not make any difference. I would always cry to sleep thinking ways i could end my life without pain… i have been having this thoughts since i was 12yo and now i am 27yo and still have those thoughts on and off.😞but i never had the courage to do it.
So i started praying and wishing that i would get a disease that would eventually kill me.
And now looks like my prays might have been heard.
I have been having irregular menses for about 2 years now. Initially when i mention this to my mum and sister they would be like ‘oh, it
happens sometimes’ or ‘ you should watch what you eat’ and thats about it. And i began having heavy bleed and started getting anemic symptoms. When i bring that up, my mum and sis would look at me like i am either exaggerating or trying to make sympathy. So i started to keep it to myself.
Few months ago, at my work place i had very bad dizziness and was super pale that my co-workers insisted i get myself check, since i work in healthcare, i got my blood work-up without admition. And my Hb was just 8.1. Thats when my mum and sis begun to believe me.
Yet, there were only concern for the first few weeks, and everything when back to normal. They didnt push me further to get myself checked. So i was reluctant, because WHAT’s THE POINT RIGHT
Again few months pass by, and recently i felt a lump/growth at my vaginal opening. I was shocked and scared but then thought why even bother telling😞. No one cares.
Somehow suddenly everthing at home was fine. I started feeling that i was really needed in the family and loved. So i told what i had to my sis and mother and that very same day i had really heavy menses that i had pre-syncopal attack that i was rushed to an ER. I had blood transfusion. And today’s scan showed that i have endometrial hyperplasia with cyst. The doctor told me to start on some hormone pill to control my thickening of the endometrium and suggested to do a surgery to ensure its not cancerous.
I really wanted to get well, until my mum started acting like its a burden and financially burdened too. After all i didnt ask her for the money, but she feels like it. And i cang explain how, but its like if i cant agree with her terms she doesnt care about me.
So yeah, i back to where i was… feeling whats the whole point of fighting.
All i really hope now that what i have now is cancer😞