Hi, I'm back after a long time. Started a new point of my life today. It went good. The only thing that is bothering me is that, will I be successful in it. Does it happen with uh? how to control this?


First day at it. Normal thoughts. You'll get the hang of it 

3am Thoughts

I guess, I'm new to this... I can here to talk and find people that have been or is going through something like i have. Im not really into pity and feel sad for me. I just want to feel like im not alone in this... Cause i feel so alone with everything, losing my family, losing my house, Christmas is coming up and my mother one year of passing... Idk 🤷 

I'm feeling lost. I am both sad and happy. I want to do lots of amazing things but I feel extremely lost. I feel weak and lonely, I want to vent out but something also stops me, no one I know would understand. My parents would never understand. I am almost 27 and I've never truly felt myself, never understood who I am or what I can be. I've never opened to anyone about anything and everything that I have kept inside is killing me. I want to vent but I can't, word never come out, only "I am fine". which is a lie. I am never really fine. I try to be positive as much as I can but that's only on the outside because I never want anyone to feel what I feel, I try not to be an instrument of suffering for others but I am to myself.

Hii guys, this is sambhavi, a student of high school. I am a very short tempered girl but my parents don't understand me and they turn me down every single time. I want to ask you all what should I do. I study only when someone pressures me and my parents want me to do only study and nothing else. I am really interested at music and singing but I don't feel supportive and I'm really good at singing. When I entered elementary school, I never thought that what my life is going to turn like, music is just a thing that happened to me suddenly. I really want to be a singer but I don't know why my parents are like not in favor. After that all, I decided to give up on my dream and I suddenly realized that not every dream of every person can be fulfilled, sometimes we have to give up on them for someone. Then, I started studying really hard and I'm now really focusing on my studies but still my parents keep telling me to study and just scold or curse me everytime but I still think I should do more harder. But today, I haven't completed my tution homework because I was completing my school work till 2o' clock in the morning and I had to go to school at 8a.m. so I didn't completed my tution homework and went to sleep and thought that my tutor will understand but nothing went well. Now, when my tutor was scolding me, I tried every way to convey him but he didn't understood but I thought my mother knew that I stayed up late so she will protect me. But, she didn't support me and was cursing me and was abusing all the bad words. I am really short tempered so I shouted at my mom and cried cause she was not understanding me and told my tutor that I'll not study today so you should go. Then, I cried a lot. My school overs at 2:30 p.m. and I reach home by 3:15 p.m. and my tutor comes at 3:30 p.m. I was crying so hard and trying to make her understand that I am not a robot who always studies and I need my own space and time. I really need some rest because I can't handle that tiredness. Guys, you all tell me how is it possible that you come home at 3:15 p.m. and you got no time to eat lunch and even change your clothes and your tutor comes by 3:30 p.m. but still my mom was shouting at me. How it feels only I know, you guys tell me what to do?

Lonely

Do guys feel butterflies?

Confusion

Dont know what should i tell about what i feel.
Its nothing.. nothing at all.
No pain, no hate, i just feel nothing.
I just see no point in doing anything.
I have done things, but what does anyone get in the end ?? Nothing.. its all the same. Same shit all over again and again. Then whats the point ? 
You put all the effort, you keep on clearing all your obstacles till you win one day but then what ? Next day you again lose the same, have more obstacles again. 
I mean, i see no point in life. 
Thats why i just feel nothing at all.
I am just living for i dont know why.. 
Without any purpose.. 
I am surely depressed as i have lost interest from everything, lost weight, and getting anti-social to a point where i have zero friends, no social media accounts, and i hardly go out of my house. 
But instead of all this.. i want to cure myself. But i dont know where to ask for it, and what will be the cost of it. 
My parents are so careless that they will blame everything on me, but won't help me out and will let me slip away further into a point where i will just end everything. I have explained it to them. But they never understand. 
And i dont know if anyone will ever understand me. 
Thats why i see no point in even talking or sharing. 
As its just goes round and round.. all the same thing, all over again. 

Depression

Lately I have been confused with is what I think I want is really what I want or I am just avoiding something and I have this option so I am eager to use to it.
Backstory- I joined masters after completing my bachelors virtually in 2020 and then started the journey of virtual classes to connections. Not that we haven't been in the age of making virtual connections (as all I have realized is we talk more to a certain someone in chats on whatsapp more freely than in person), however when this turned to a completely virtual mode with no in person human connections, it just doesn't feel real. Sometimes I feel, one day I will wake up and all the persons I have known in past one year from my new college, which I dreamt of joining and eventually joined will just be a dream. All this just seems to superficial to be true and no matter how good people I have met through this journey, there is a feeling that if someday we will cross each other on a road, we might not even recognize each other, except a few good souls who always keep their videos on during classes and have very active social media presence. But what about the rest who unfortunately form the majority (including me), who are hidden behind those black screens and with whom we have had conversations between classes in similar chat boxes without faces. Will, these new friends and connections of mine even be able to recognize me and vice versa.   
And this feeling of living an unknown life gives me uninvited anxiety in the middle of nights, even when I tell myself that this is what I choose myself- to be there and still not be there. I always thought its better to live a mysterious life when people know that there is some person like this and also don't know its you when you will cross them (but then I used to think it will be like air- that necessary and equally unnoticed). 
However, lately this feeling of everything virtual is giving me... I don't know if anxiety is the right word, but whatever it is, it is not a good feeling at all. I am angry and moody for no good reasons. I am in fight with at least one family member everyday(sometimes the whole family too). I think I need change, cz I have been stuck in the house after my incomplete four years in college and then the next college started at home as well. But then, I also tell myself, its me who is not wanting this change just giving myself this excuse of being at home, cz I am not actually really doing anything for this change. And just cribbing about the situation in my head didn't do me any good whole past year. And knowing all of that too, I didn't do any thing great to make myself more equipped, busy or excited or anything in between. i just did whatever came my way.
And now I have this option to join a job and take deferment from my masters degree. IDK how wise or stupid this decision may sound to anybody who will listen to me. But the question in my mind is what I started this thought with. Am I willing to go for the job because I need change(being overwhelmed with this feeling of may be stagnation), or I don't want to complete my master's virtually and make connections in person (which I think will help me grow) or I am doing this to avoid my masters Research (which I actually have been avoiding telling myself I will eventually take deferment)....I don't really know

And this is confusing and risky and scary and blinding and kinda makes my heart say to still hope 
maybe I will find my answers going in the unknown..........

Hope

any shows that are worth binge watching?

I don't know who i am. I don't know what i want to be as a person. Someone told me that i become very sensitive or get irriatated on small things. I am behaving less practically which i feels it was right in some way . And i had complain to that person that he is doing way more practical he should respond some feelings as i do with him. We decided to work on that. Bt now i m feeling like its only me who is working on myself. I just questioning myself that i should work on my problem or i should not because he should also do efforts on his prblm as it is a mutual thing for a relationship among two people. I m questioning myself in two opposite ways. The first that why only i should change myself as he wanted me to?   
The second one that it is good for my stress issues . 
Ps . Sorry for mistakes. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts