hi, i keep writing these… and i keep getting really good answers… which makes my heart melt that there all nice people in the world that take the time to read these and write back. everyone says run away for a couple days, call hospice for my mom… move out… buy a house… pray… ill ask for help and i dont get help… i get advice… and i cant take the advice i am given when i am stuck with no help. my moms dying, she cant do anything on her own and i tried to put her in a home and it made it worse… no one wants me to call a at home nurse… its killing me and my brother… hes so young… and hes so sad… all i wanted to do was prevent this. im failing at everything… my job, my relationship, helping my mom and raising my little brother… i mean im only 19 i cant do everything… work is starting to ask me to come in everyday… and do alot of hours… i get treated like shit… but i need the money to pay the bills… when i come home i either sleep or bathe… i never eat anymore… i just forget tbh… i always have this gut feeling to stab myself… i wanna go into the military… but cant leave… AND cant pass the asvab because im an idiot… i tried college but i never got an email to do virual meeting, and they wont send me one so i guess im not gonna go… i have no car, no money, well… i have like 1000 to my name. but that only gets me so far… i cant leave my sister because her bf is an ass… and he hits her and yells at her. and i cant leave my uncle bc he would be alone. and i cant leave my mom bc she depends on me and only me… i thought about taking my brother and my mom but i couldnt take care of her by myself. then i thought about putting her into a home… but i couldnt live with myself. im lost and dont know what do to. sometimes all i can think of is ending it and making it where my brother would get my little money and will have a place to live… hes honeslty the only reason ive lived this long… if my mom would try i wouldnt mind giving up my life… but shes gave up… ive spend over a year at home trying to make her try… she wont even try to walk again… ive gave up schlaorships, money, and my dreams for her… and her mind is so gone she doesnt even care. shes not my mother anymore. the days im at work or shes asleep are the best days. and the worse part is my whole family has given up, no one will visit and my sister and uncle are just letting her rot away. once i was driving me and my brother… and i literally thought about driving into something. i thought about writing a suicid note and explaining why i couldnt anymore and thought it would change anything. im just very lost and at the edge of death. i dont even know if i believe in god anymore.
Hey! I am so so proud of you for handling everything the way you’re, its very understandable how it is extremely difficult. You are exceptionally strong, don’t forget that. You got this, I am sure you will overpower any hurdle that comes your way.
You know a fact about the flower lotus, which makes it different from others? A Lotus is surrounded by mud and dirt , that is where a lotus grows. And yet it manages to survive and blossom beautifully, irrespective of its surroundings because a lotus knows its worth. You remind me of a lotus. Don’t let your surroundings put you down, you can shine as bright as the sun!
Here is a link of some people which I think could help you in a better way:
https://nowandme.com/resources/experts
Take care<3
