Home / Thoughts / Hi! I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t come out...
Anonymous
edited

Hi! I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t come out weird, and I hope someone can comprehend me because it’s been making me feel disgusted and shameful of myself, putting it bluntly.
I’m 16 yo, and I’m sure I’m a lesbian because of signs throughout my life hinting so (me going towards women, reading wlw and being interesed on those kind of stories, never had a crush on a boy, you name it). But the past 2 years, now being isolated with my own thoughts, intrusive thoughts are making me insecure about it because they say I’m perverted, I’m a shame for feeling like that towards women when I have a family of only women. “Are you like that because of your family? Do you feel sexually attracted to women because that’s all you know? Maybe you need a boy/man. It’s disgusting that you think sexually of women when only women live in your house” and things like that that haunt me. I know it’s not true, I know part of it comes from internalized lesbophobia and compulsory heterosexuality, yet I can’t help but feel anxious and stressed about it. It makes me look at my family when I have thoughts like that, my mom and sisters, and I just want to inhibit my feelings. I love them as family, as people who are close to my heart like friends who understand each other and such, yet somehow I can’t understand why it makes me feel so little.
Part of me assures me I should just accept those thoughts to let them go, but they never do. I can’t read wlw stories because it makes me remember this and associate them with a character, and I just can’t do it.
I want to believe it’s because I never fell in love and I only got attraction to other girls and women, and the fact I’m very closed emotionally to myself. But I don’t know.
I just… want to be reassured I’m not going crazy and it’s normal I guess. I just want to enjoy being myself and exploring my sexuality without these things at the back of my mind. It makes me want to cry, I really wasn’t like this and I wish the shame would go away.

3 Comments

Dear User, for your own safety, we urge you to NOT share any personal information [email, phone number, social media handles, address etc.] with other Now&Me users.

Post anonymously?

Don’t listen to those people or the article or whatever making you feel ashamed don’t ever listen to them.
You like girls go after them or do what makes you feel good, it’s all upto you no one gonna decide anything for you.
And here’s the thought those people or article don’t know your situation they don’t live your life so how the hell they can advise you on any topic of your life? They’re not living your life you’re living your life go nuts who cares.

Anonymous

There is nothing wrong in being a lesbian. You listen only to your heart and not what others might think of you. If you are happy then who cares what others think of you.

Anonymous

it’s very normal to feel so torn for a closeted member of the lgbtq+ community. but think of it this way. is it disgusting that straight people like the gender they have as family? no. similarly, youre sexuality is not disgusting, it’s just you. you’re worthy of love no matter what. try talking to your family, and explaining how everything else is affecting you. theres always help. remember, there will always be uneducated homophobic people, who will try to make you feel bad for existing, and the only way you can defeat them is to be who you are, unapologetically.