Hi! I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t come out weird, and I hope someone can comprehend me because it’s been making me feel disgusted and shameful of myself, putting it bluntly.
I’m 16 yo, and I’m sure I’m a lesbian because of signs throughout my life hinting so (me going towards women, reading wlw and being interesed on those kind of stories, never had a crush on a boy, you name it). But the past 2 years, now being isolated with my own thoughts, intrusive thoughts are making me insecure about it because they say I’m perverted, I’m a shame for feeling like that towards women when I have a family of only women. “Are you like that because of your family? Do you feel sexually attracted to women because that’s all you know? Maybe you need a boy/man. It’s disgusting that you think sexually of women when only women live in your house” and things like that that haunt me. I know it’s not true, I know part of it comes from internalized lesbophobia and compulsory heterosexuality, yet I can’t help but feel anxious and stressed about it. It makes me look at my family when I have thoughts like that, my mom and sisters, and I just want to inhibit my feelings. I love them as family, as people who are close to my heart like friends who understand each other and such, yet somehow I can’t understand why it makes me feel so little.
Part of me assures me I should just accept those thoughts to let them go, but they never do. I can’t read wlw stories because it makes me remember this and associate them with a character, and I just can’t do it.
I want to believe it’s because I never fell in love and I only got attraction to other girls and women, and the fact I’m very closed emotionally to myself. But I don’t know.
I just… want to be reassured I’m not going crazy and it’s normal I guess. I just want to enjoy being myself and exploring my sexuality without these things at the back of my mind. It makes me want to cry, I really wasn’t like this and I wish the shame would go away.
Dear User, for your own safety, we urge you to NOT share any personal information [email, phone number, social media handles, address etc.] with other Now&Me users.