Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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⚕️Depression

🧑Anxiety

😰Stress

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Anonymous

Hi I don’t know what to say. And also I apologize for if there’s a any kind of Grammarly fail in my thoughts. As you can see English is my second language and I’m really bad at writing. If its making you annoyed just seek other thoughts I don’t here to disturb you.
I’m just being too lonely and no one to talk. Yes there’s my family members and my gf to talk but I couldn’t tell what I feel or what I experiencing right now. I’ve been depressed like 2 or 3 month because of too much pressure from my family on me. And also I’m in long distance relationship with my girlfriend who I don’t even met before, We’re just met online. I’m 21 years old guy who is unemployed and also didn’t even join university because of several condition. I used to study in China but due to COVID-19 pandemic I had to go back to my country in a lockdown. Since then I didn’t get to study in my Country’s university because I didn’t take exam to get certification for apply in to my county’s universities. After graduated high school I’ve decided to study in Chinese but not on my will, on my family will. I’ve studying Chinese like 14 years and they thought its so waste to let me study in my country. Since February everything in my life has changed like 180 degrees. I’ve got no school, my home is really far from downtown. Which is impossible to find job near by my home. I had no idea what to do or what should I do. And one day I’ve found one pretty girl on the Youtube she’s a vlogger. And i don’t know why I just started to researching about her then I got her social media and waited for the best moment. That moment has come and we’re started making a conversation. After that we used to call on the video call. All of a sudden I’ve realized I’m falling in love with her. But thing is she lives in United Kingdom. And its like 8800km from my country.
Then in the April I planned what could I do. Write down like 20 nearest plan on this year. But unfortunately my plans didn’t go well as I planned. At the time my family wouldn’t even mind to I’m existing in this home. They just give what I need then leave my room. I didn’t spend much times outside at summer. Like only 7 or 8 days I’ve spend in other place. and the rest of the summer yeah I’ve spend all of the days mostly like in my room. I got insomnia when I came back to my home from China. Just didn’t get used to be it. So I had to spend all night awake which is good because I could use that time videocalling with my girlfriend because of the time difference that’s exactly lucky shot to me. Yes I am a Anti-social and freak who didn’t sleep normal sleeping hour. Since July I’ve realized I’m not being enough. My family’s sight to me changed. And started hate myself for not capable to meet my girlfriend as a person. And they(my family) adds more pressure on me. I don’t even handle the problems at the time how could I add more problems on me. Lately I’ve realized connection between me and my girlfriend getting colder. I know what you thinking . Falling in love with a girl who I even met as a person before is bullshit or something. But I really do love her because every time I’ve staring ceiling at a night when I think about her I smiled. She’s giving me so much reason to get through all this stuff. Even though we never met as a person. But I hated myself couldn’t do any better attention, caring I’m giving right now. And of course Long distance relationship is tough thing and I realized she’s getting tired of this. In the first saying sweet things about what we’re going to do when we met as person. That’s make us happy. And right now I scared to tell the things like that because I felt it would make her getting more tired. And I’m hate myself for being not enough for everything and tired of being such a loser. I don’t want to complain my problems to my girlfriend because I’ll bother her. And my family wouldn’t even listen to me even tough I tell them what’s going on with me. Most of my friend changed friend to persons who I used to know. Right now I feel really lonely and depressed. And about insomnia thing don’t worry about this because I hoped it’s temporary. I know it’s been 9 month but it’ll be okay.
This is end of my story I’m so thankful for people who read till here. And I’m really sorry for my English experience, grammar etc. I just thought release some of those things from my chest would make little bit better. Sorry for wasting your time for reading some drama shit, or just a words. I hope your day will be great. Regards: IJWTTWS

Profile picture for Now&Me member @sneha08
1 reply
Profile picture for Now&Me member @sneha08

Sneha Anand @sneha08

Hey, just to let you know, I know how weird life can get sometimes, but it would not do any good of you keep blaming yourself.
You have to consider yourself as a human being and accept that you cannot always stand up perfectly at everyones expections. We all are flawed in our own beautiful ways. Self hate will lead you to nowhere.

Believe in yourself and everything will follow-up.🌻
Lots of light and strength to you. And your words aren’t just mere words :)

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