Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hi everyone or whoever reads this… first time on the website 👋🏽 I’m currently on therapy but I can’t shake this deep feeling of loneliness (which I now realize I’ve always felt to some degree from as long as I can remember) but I guess I’ll start by the last situation that has left me feeling even more hopeless than before.
I’m having mixed feelings about my relationship it’s not because I don’t love him, but because I hold a lot of resentment against him, by feelings or emotions I try to express and communicate healthily and him not seeming to care… sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a wall; no expressions no nothing… reminds me of my father he’s just like a plant. If we have a discussion he’ll just try to sweep it under the rug no matter how much I elaborate and explain why some of his actions genuinely hurt me to no end. This last weekend I had an altercation with some females while I was all by myself in the club’s bathroom, some people that had really disrespected me a couple of months ago (on that day I didn’t even reacted/defended myself as I know I can only out of respect for being in my partner friend’s house… and I guess scared that my bf would judge me on being violent and I have anger issues I recognize that but he’s really not about that life so I just tried my best to ignore the provocations) so after all these months this was my opportunity to set things straight, the situation had been eating me alive ever since and it was served on a silver platter; all 3 of them against me. So I said what’s up!! I was with whatever with any of them or all of them Idgaf really. They got scared. Mind you last time I saw them they were soo about that life bc they were drunk and now that all of us were somewhat sober they backed up. Ok. I’m not hitting if y’all don’t wanna fight, I just made my point so I left. End of the night. The next day I get a text from the boyfriend of one of the girls (he is one of my bf’s childhood friend) trying lo lecture me (to put it veery lightly) about my behavior when he is REALLY not the one to lecture anyone about absolutely nothing and besides males should never get involved in girls matters EVER specially when no one got hurt! I answered him of course shutting him up. So I show the texts to my bf really expecting him to be at least a little bit offended that his best friend felt so comfortable texting his girl in that way when he was just putting his nose were it don’t belong. He literally said “oh that sucks” and that was it… I was like ??? really that’s all you’re going to say? I never asked him to get involved in my stuff I can defend myself and hold my own but “a man is talking crazy to me totally uncalled for and you’re indifferent?” WOW that just hit me like a bullet cause then I remembered me saying those same words to him in past situations… the realization that he has never had my back the way I have his it’s really crazy and so disappointing because if it was inverted he wouldn’t have to tell me to step up cause I’d be already on it. 😮‍💨 the discussion went back and forth he said some really vile things about conflicts always being my fault and I said as if if I get disrespected I have to be the one considering EVERYBODY ELSE and their feelings, my surroundings and fear what other people may think of me?? then he would negate what he’d just said or make me want to believe that I was exaggerating/misunderstanding his words… I told him that I saw what he was doing trying to play mind games with me… and I guess I’m finally over it. We’re both in therapy and he always made remarks in the past about my lack of healthy communication skills but I’ve been putting effort in being better by actually expressing my emotions and not shutting down if I feel hurt because I used to be soo proud. But now how can I keep being open if I’m met with a disrespectful/indifferent wall that doesn’t want to change? and I know I can’t make him change to mold him into the man I want/expect him to be which breaks my heart so bad because this means that the distance will be a factor ending this one-sided relationship. I would give anything and everything for him it just sucks he wouldn’t do the same for me. But I’m coming to terms with that.
So that’s it. If anyone read it till the end I appreciate it so much and please tell me what you think no bs… but don’t be too abrupt because I’m super sensitive rn thx☔🪽