Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Heyyy, I little warning I am just dumping everything at once since I m at the brink of suicide and I know there is no one around me that I can tell (not even my psychologist bc I do kot want them to tell my parents). So anyway it all started when I was 6 years old and I was in the changing room for P.E. together with all the girls of my class at that time, I was a very confident and happy child I never really had any problems with myself, but that day suddenly I saw one of the girls who also bullied me a year later say “look you can see my fat rolls, I am so fat” and everyone started to talk about their fat rolls. I grew silent and looked down at my own tummy, quickly realizing I was the biggest girl of them all so I quickly slipped my shirt on and tried to forget about it since I really wanted to cry right then and there even if I was just six. A year later when I was eight, I started to get bullied and my P.E. teacher even made fun off me for being ‘fat’ (I was in fact not even fat I was just a little chubby bc I was still practically a baby) even my sister her friend made fun of me and somewhere when I was 9 my mom picked me up from school and I ran to her crying about everything so my mom went to my teacher but I only got a “There is a big difference between bullying and teasing, you are judt being teased.” So my mom and dad their solution was to sit me down one day and tell me to be more like my sister and eat like her bc I was fat, I remember running to my room and sobbing bc I thought I was a monster. I even prayed every night to god hoping he would make me pretty.Anyway skip a few years later I am now 11 and am going to a new school but suddenly everyone is starting to be mean at me at school some girls are like pushing me against things until my ribs hurt so bad that I am getting bruises and they say things like “you are worthless and ugly and fucking dumb” I even got a death threat. Then all came crashing down when my one and only friend said she saw nudes of me online, mind you I was ten she only did that to make me look bad ofc there was nothing online of me, so I started to just bring books to school and read them in the bathroom stalls hoping to be left alone but no they would grab the books I would bring from home and take them, in the classroom they would ruin my school supplies which was hard on me bc I knew my parents were struggling with money at that time this time tho I did not say anything to my parents since I did not want to bother them. Luckily it stopped and I was happy for a little up until I was 13 and I suddenly was skinny bc of a surgery that made me loose a ton of weight, but then my stomach started to ‘hurt’ every time I ate, so I would consume only one rice cracker a day and everyone was getting worried for me but I was extremely happy every time they made comments like ‘This is not healthy please eat we can see your ribs’. I became underweight and it got bad, then COVID came and it saved me from death bc I stopped caring for a sec and started eating, but then all of a sudden I wasn’t 43kg anymore and was 46, so it went back downhill from there . Time skip a few years I am now 16 still trying to starve myself whenever I can I am always sad even my parents often bring it up that it has been a long time since they have seen me happy, even when I look in the mirror I just want to cry bc I feel so ugly .But now the other problem is boys: I am dating this guy but idk how to open up to him about this especially since I feel like he does not love me. He is definitely a little bit of a bad guy and does drugs and stuff, he says he loves me but somehow I always feel used by him like he only wants me for sexual pleasure y’know? Oh and another thing is, I had a big surgery last year so I missed a whole summer and I keep missing out on fun things bc I am recovering but now that I am finally a lil better I want to go out but my parents won’t let me do anything and I hate it bc I feel life slipping away from me and I feel so fucking useless and I want it all to end. Please help me