Thought

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Anonymous

Hey, I got married this year on January. we moved together on august. We met on November 2019. It was an arrange marriage. He had initially told me he wasn’t a virgin and it as okay for me at that time. But since I was a virgin, I feel really bad, I feel like I deserved someone so much special. He have had slept with one of his friends and also a tinder date. I haven’t got intimate before marriage. I feel like I got married to a used person.
He also told me he used to drink smoke and smoke up and has tried everything and doesn’t do anything now. And then he comes and tells me after marriage marriage that he smokes up weed and smokes cigarettes’ occasionally. I am a clean person with a clean past and now I feel like I deserve someone so much better and he is just another piece of shit. After all he is doing financially really bad. I have started disliking him so much. its been 10 months into marriage and 3 months living together. And for the record I am only 21 and he is 29. I am confused to weather divorce or not.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @kavyaganesh
Profile picture for Now&Me member @st1199
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4 replies
Profile picture for Now&Me member @kavyaganesh

Kavya Ganesh @kavyaganesh

Hi there. I appreciate you for opening up and being honest about your situation. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where one trusts and cares for the other. What you’ve mentioned suggests that this is a marriage based on false promises, and circumstances that make you uncomfortable. Relationships like that usually tend to stay the same unless something drastic happens. These issues generally don’t go away with time.
Is he the kind of person who will patiently have a conversation about your concerns? If yes, please try talking to him. It’s always a good idea to try to make something work before giving it up altogether. Maybe go for marriage counselling?
If he’s the kind of person who’s prone to anger and annoyance at genuine conversations, then getting a divorce might seem like a more appropriate option.
FYI, as an unmarried woman, I don’t have much experience with this. What I do know is that if you ultimately decide to stay in this marriage, you might be the only one making all the compromises, and no one deserves to live like that.
Regardless, your opinion is the only one that matters here. Here’s a website I found that might help you decide what to do:
https://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm

Profile picture for Now&Me member @st1199

Simran @st1199

Hey!
Having sex isn’t wrong. You said that he told you initially he wasn’t a Virgin and you were okay with it. And now you suddenly aren’t. It totally depends on the person and it’s completely his/her choice. You saved it for Marriage that’s your choice and he did it before it’s his choice. He is not a “used” person. He is an individual who has a different mindset than yours and it’s completely fine. Adjusting and Compromise plays an important role in a Marriage.

I am not in favour of people who smoke but again it depends from being an Addict to someone who does it occasionally. He must have been very clear on this and you should talk to him about the same and look for a possible solution to it. You are wrong in this where you talked about being “clean” and he isn’t. IT’S NOT WRONG IN HAVING SEX BUT IT’S WRONG IN NOT DISCLOSING THE FACT IF YOU ASKED HIM. In this pandemic, everyone is facing financial issues and if you are considering this as a factor for divorce then according to me it’s not right.

Talk to him about everything as it will clear the air and both will be able to understand each others’s view points. Then decide what you want to do.

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Anonymous

What do I do when the thought keeps disturbing me all the time. I feel like we should be on the same scale since he has had enough fun even I have to right ? I am very much irritated and frustrated and overthink a lot

Profile picture for Now&Me member @st1199

Simran @st1199

When you talk to him, your tension will become less. Because you know that you have put forth your thoughts and now he needs to look what should be done.
He had fun before marriage which can’t be changed. You want to have fun after marriage which your husband can only give you. Talk to him, there is no harm in saying that you want intimacy and wanting to feel like that since long.

Overthinking will only worsen the things. Just be upfront and see his reaction to it. When the whole thing clears you would have an answer to your questions clearly.

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