Hey. I don’t know if I’ll be frequent here, but I was looking for a site where I can talk to people and this is the first that came up. So, I don’t really know what to expect but…
Anyways, to the point. My mom started drinking again, and I really have no where to go to escape from it. She’s been drinking my entire life, and always promises to quit after two or three visits to the hospital. But she always returns after a few months, and I’m so tired of thinking we’re finally safe before smelling wine and seeing her stumbling blindly across the room while screaming obnoxiously. I’ve been hit, lashed at, pushed, called names, and I’m just so tired of waking up each morning to another fresh hell every day. I just want a stable maternal figure in my life, and knowing that I’ll be yelled at to apologise for the moment I just barely snap at her after being pushed to the limit after all she’s put me, my little sister, and my father through is just getting to be more and more of a burden on me. I’m tired. Even if she wasn’t much better sober, I just want my actual mom back, since now I only ever see her drunk and just staring at me with this vacant, dead look in her eye and it makes me so uncomfortable and angry… It’s wrong of me to say, and I apologise for this but sometimes I wish she’d just keel over dead so I can ask her “Was it worth it?”
She always leaves me and my family a few months into her alchoholism (I forgot how many times she has), but always comes back within a few weeks - months because she can’t afford to live on her own or something sprouts up and she needs to take care of us, leaving us to the same cycle over and over again. I really thought she’d left it behind this time, I really did. I just want it to stop. Really, my biggest fear is that I’ll end up just like her one day and it’s really just unbearable to think about. I wish I didn’t have to say it, but I feel ashamed to have her as a mother.
Anyways, if you read this far, thanks. I don’t really know what I’ll get from this post (Even if get no response), but it was good to just be able to post this. Thank you.