Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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Hey, I am Sarah. I’m not sure, if anyone will have time to read my story, but here it is. Over the past months I haven’t been myself. I don’t have anyone to share my feelings with. I’m 20, I went to uni last year, dropped out right away, starting a new one this september. I’m living halft time with my parents and half time with my ex-girlfriend. We broke up like a half year ago, maybe more, I don’t even remember because we broke up many times. We were together for two years. But we still live with each other like half time of the week, I spend every weekend at her parents apartment, because they leave for the weekend. We also work together on our online thrift shop, we are succesful at it but I always feel like I’m just here to do the easy manual work because she thinks I’m not capable to be the “manager” of our whole project. I always tried to be enough for her, I work my ass off, I’m restless, desperate, but it’s never enough. It wasn’t ever enough in our relationship and that’s why she broke up with me. She always say that I’m not capable of anything, I don’t have any energy in me, that I have no skills and that if I hadn’t be with her, I would be nothing. Which is, don’t get me wrong, all true. I know that now it sounds like she is a terrible human being. But when I met her as a 18 year old teenager, I was just a dumb carefree tomboy. She made me an independent woman I am now, she managed to get me on an art school I will really enjoy studying. I would never be able to do anything if she haven’t forced me to get my life together. But, that’s the thing. She made so much for me like any other person ever would. I could’t do the same for her. She is completely on another level. I always loved her, I would do anything that was in my power, but it felt like when a child tries to help her mum with cooking. She bought me gifts, she dressed me, fed me, she took me travelling and all other things I couldn’t ever afford. She’s from a city, I’m from a small town. Her parents are succesful and rich, my family is lower middle class. She is purposeful, independent, strong and has strictly stated standards. I am unstable I cry a lot, she always tests my strenght, she hurts my feelings all the time, she never cries, never break down, she hates people, believes only in herself, don’t want to be with any other person but herself. She doesn’t love, she doesn’t hate, she avoids emotion. She now claims she is asexual and aromantic. When I met her, she wasn’t like this. She played to be a normal person who has a relationship, loves her partner, has sex and holds hand in public. Now I lie with her in bed, like if we were just colleagues. I see her naked all the time, we share everything, we shower together, pee together, are gross together all the time. But it isn’t even intimate anymore. It is just…like if it was nothing. She doesn’t need me but she says that I should be grateful for the opportunity to take lessons from her and live with her, because no one else has this privilege and I’m not drawing enough from her. Which is true. I should be grateful she hasn’t kicked me out. But what does this say about me? Am I just a weak person trying to hold on someone? She thinks that I am. But I just love her. I love her so much it hurts. She told me she don’t even think about our previous relationship anymore, I am still heartbroken every day. I hate being her “colleague”. It crushes me that I am only allowed to touch her when she’s afraid at night. That everyone thinks she’s evil and I’m a poor thing, pure soul, so in love with her that she just uses as a servant. I am worthless piece of shit, depressed, anxious, not able to finally get my shit together. If I ever were a valuable person, she might have not became a robot she is now. But things are just getting worse. I know i can’t leave her and that I am determined to stay in this relationship with her. I haven’t been with another person for nearly 3 years. I haven’t had sex for a year. I haven’t had touched anyone. I am not loved for so long. I feel so depressed every day. I give all my love for her every day. She doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want me. But she still somehow likes me being around. But doesn’t need me. I thought about moving on. Leaving her. It makes me cry every time I think about it. I want to have someone who would love me, who I could have a normal relationship with, have sex, be intimate. But I feel like I can’t give this up. But I also want to achieve great things with her. Laugh with her, drink with her, work with her. Get yelled at, and improve myself to become my strongest self. I don’t know what to do, I know I can’t love anybody else, I want her to love me again, to kiss her, hold her hand, prove to her that I am qualified to stand by her side. The only thing she sees as my quality is that I won’t ever decieve her and that she can trust me. That is the only thing. I don’t think she ever will love me, I don’t she will ever love again anyone. She just wants to achieve great things. But I will never become a robot like her. I have so many feelings, I want people, I want contact, love, touch, sex, alcohol, life. I just want to be happy. But these are all things she despises. I am lost.

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3 replies

Tanmay @skinnyjean2611

If she is so lost in her work she must want to achieve greater things in life but I think what you are feeling is also normal you both are different people I think you should sit with her and confess whatt you want and hope you can also understand her point of view


I think at one point of time you and her were in sync but not anymore. You both have grown into different people. I don’t think you are wrong or she is as well. You need to sit with her and tell her how you feel.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @avtar

Avtar @avtar

Self love will help you to feel precious and precious things are always in demand but only right or capable one can able to get that.


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