Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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Hey i am feeling really sad today …i just got my college alloted today and its okayish according to my ability …but i just feel so sad i hate socializing and i don’t feel like going to college and meeting people as i know they are gonna think I’m a weirdo due to my lack of social abilities …life
sucks for me. … I’m 18 years old and no human including my parents believe me due to my low self esteem . I have really few friends and i know I’m gonna lose them in college I’m really afraid if I’ll ever be happy …i think I’m on the autism spectrum but i can’t really afford to get myself checked and I don’t think there’s any use nothing is gonna change for people around me or even my parents …i have a habbit of maladaptive day dreaming and i have been trying to give it even though it’s the only thing that makes me happy but it’s just not reality … I haven’t done it in like 3-4 days and i have been crying so hard after that and i often think if anything goes wrong i can always hang myself …i have a poor health(overweight) and it only adds to my poor self confidence … I have sexual orientation issues i think I’m gay …i think it has also been a reason for my lack of socializing because of the things expected of me and i just can’t connect to the people …
The only solution i can think of is going abroad (i live in india) after doing my batchelors as i feel i would be independent bcoz i have to survive and there’s more quality of life there ig …and i can prepare myself for it in next 2-3 yrs (atleast I’ll have a goal) …Do you think it’s a good idea ?? Please help 🙏…
P.s -do consider my sexual orientation as i come from a conservative indian family and i also can’t keep up with my relatives …

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