hey everyone - i’m new here and just need to speak. married now for 4.5 year… we have a 1year old. just a lot in my head and no one to share it with. my wife and me just can’t communicate without getting into an argument. I’m always seeming to be on the opposite end of what ever she says/think. I think Its stem’s from the fact that she’s aggressive, and her 1st reaction is always negative, loud and overwhelming. I’m passive, I don’t like arguments/fights… I don’t judge. She’s always critiquing everyone. she say’s I don’t tell her how much I appreciate her, or tell her how much of an amazing person she is, or how hard she works for the us.
some background context -
- I run a business, but not successful as such (I’ve got employee’s and able to pay them but not bringing anything in the house) - I look after the baby, help in the house - do cleaning, some cooking, make sure I support her in any which way I can.
- she’s super successful, is a snr dir in a large company, and is really good at what she does - but super stressed. she’s constantly on the go… forgetting things, has left the stove on a number of times.
- she’s a great mum - loves and looks after our baby like I do. I know it hurts her that she can’t spend as much time durning that day as do. shes an really good human being, always looking out for others, doing stuff for others - but when it’ not reciprocated, gets very upset and sometimes even angry. she’ says she dose’t care, but so obvious she dose.
She’s a strong person, and as upset as she is at me for not being the bread winner - has accepted it, and made it her mission to be successful and run the house finically - again she say’s it don’t matter that I’m not a bread winner but it does effect her, and come’s out every now and again in our arguments.
- I’m at fault for a number of things - it’s not all her. I’ve had a compulsive lying issue. as a child if I did something wrong I would always try and hide/lie as to not get told off or hit. and it’s spilt over in my adult life, I tend to give “lip service”, and lie about sill things - just so not to get her angry or get told off. I’m not scared of her I’m scared of the arguments/fights.
last night we got into anther argument. I wanted to give her anther prospective and it turned into - “your always arguing with me, can’t u just agree ect.” I kinda lost it, and argued back. went into an hour where like always… she’s cry’s, express’s her emotions, how I don’t listen, how I’m constantly arguing with her etc. then I shut up, just listen, wile shes’ talking away, and it ends up (like always) of me feeling like I’m in the wrong, and that it’s my fault.
I’ve not slept all night again - I’ve got hands on work to do which I can only do in the evenings, once the baby is asleep, so I’m working till 2am/3am and then up at 8 or 8.30 depending on my day calls/schedule.
I’m not trying to be a victim here, nor am I wanting her to be in the wrong.
Hey! It must be really difficult for you to deal with so much in one go, especially in the initial years of your marriage. From what I read here, I feel there is a constant ego battle between you and your wife. Let me remind you, this is normal in couples, even if they love each other dearly. This is even more prevalent in a society like ours where the guy is supposed to be the breadwinner and the wife can choose between working or being a homemaker. It is so entrenched in our society that even women themselves get disappointed if their husbands don’t earn as much as they do. Regarding this, unfortunately, your wife is at fault.
However, after reading the whole context, I realize there is a lot in your wife’s plate. She has a toddler to look after, she has extra professional workload, and also has the daily quarrels to deal with. After bearing a child, the woman goes through a lot of mental and physiological changes. Maybe she is not even happy with how she is performing as a mother, even if she does her best. There can be hormonal imbalances due to recent pregnancy, stress, and anxiety. This automatically leads to frustration and hence, irritation and negativity. Also, I would like you to read a little about perinatal depression because that usually happens in new mothers.
During this time, the maximum you can do is, not take stress about your own business and show her as much understanding as you can. Try not to disagree with her on silly matters and also always try to be as honest as possible. No relationship works on lies and secrets. She is your wife and if you plan to have a long life together, you will have to stop lying about silly things. Don’t avoid the fights. It has been found that the couples who actually fight and then try to work things out are the strongest ones. Don’t take it as an argument, be open to her perspective, give her emotional space to express herself without having to cry. Make her comfortable because, at the end of the day, all she has is you. You are her best friend and she seems to have a lot of bottled-up frustration. She needs you immensely during this time.
Secondly, you are a hardworking man. Don’t compare your business to her professional success. You both are one financial entity and all you can do is keep putting in your best efforts at work. Results will come with the passage of time. Don’t ever lose hope. A business takes up a lot of effort and can be slow to pick up pace. However, now is not the time to fall backward. Also, take care of your sleeping schedule. Lack of sleep also increases irritation and make you act on impulses. Lack of sleep can be a leading cause of arguments at home. Try to shift your working hours to early in the morning and not late at night. Take care of yourself as much as you take care of your wife and your child. If you will feel good about yourself, your relationships will automatically improve.
Hope that helps.
Take it slow, one day at a time. Be selfless with your partner and she will also change beautifully. You know she is a good person, right! And so are you. Patience is the key here and knowing your priorities too. Winning an argument is not important, making your life partner feel comfortable and loved is!
Take time and treat this as a phase.
Best wishes @chetandavdra