Hey dear empaths. 
Been long. I just wanted to tell all of you that you couldn't have done it better. Your worth isn't decided by the number of people who left you or the number of people who stayed. Even if everyone leaves, you still have value. Even if nobody loves you, you still deserves love. I hope universe manifests positivity for you. Love and hugs.

Life

Feeling very sad

Anyone for Chatting

Relationships

I was always so Independent and on my own. Sure I had crushes, but I never really knew that people date their crushes and that people acted upon their crushes. That realisation came to me in grade 12 and I started getting all the feelings of needing to be loved and understood and held. And that made me realise "people. Date. Other. People." I always saw my sister going on dates and I just never really pictured myself and I always said "older people date" until I came t reach the older people date-age. There is this guy in my class and I am miserable because of him. He comes in looking all fine and gorgeous and I just him to be mine. There's a part of me which wants him so bad, There's another part of me which is always scared of being rejected because I am not coming conventionally attractive, and then there's this part which wants me to stay focused on classwork. You know as Someone who lives with Indian parents, having feelings for someone and going out with them is wrong, and I have never seen a healthy relationship in my house to even ask for. And I can't help but feel so awfully alone because I feel left out on the dating part, and having relationships in general. Oh my god, I am so embarrassed even while writing this.

One Sided Love

Suicidal thoughts of Cyanide poisoning"
Male, 23
The Body which I inherited, that body is having an urge to consume Cyanide by eating too much Apricot kernels (looks like small almonds) , So... How to control the urge as apricot kernels are very tasty but the FSAI advises against eating apricot kernels due to the risk of cyanide poisoning. So the maximum we can eat per day is 2 Apricot kernels and I already ate 2 Apricot kernels plus 3 California Almonds, that means the stomach which I inherited is already produced little cyanide. And I bought 20 grams of Apricot Kernels from the market, so 1 week ago, I bought 30 grams of Mamra almonds and first I decided to eat it 4-6 Mamra almonds per day, but on the same day, I ate the entire 30 gms of Mamra almonds at once like food. So, today, I am having a strong urge to eat the entire 20 grams of Apricot kernels (in Hindi we say "Jardaalu Badaam") So how to replace the urge of eating too much Badam of this type? I am consuming Apricot Kernels Almonds for studies

Suicidal Ideation

I'm borderline

Mental Health

I am an neet aspirant . I need a suggestion . I am weak in phy and I have not yet started phy preparation what if I complete 1st bio and chem and go with phy ? I need more time to solve phy If I do now i can neither conc on bio and chem . pls suggest 


Confusion

I feel so lonely in my own house. I feel as if nobody understands me. I am all alone. I have people, they love me I know but they never understood me. I feel all alone. Moreover, I feel there is something seriously wrong with me. I am agitated most of the time and cry like crazy after every conversation. It's like all I do is either fight or cry and the crying and anger is not superficial, I cry like crazy and rage like crazy. So much that I feel it's after affects on my body for a long time. I don't know what is happening to me. Mummy papa, my brother, they will only say I am throwing tantrums or they will just say I am like this and can't do anything in life etc. Noone wants to sit with me and talk what's wrong. So I get angrier and more resilient. Why should I be sitting and crying waiting to be understood? I become more rigid and the cycle continues forever. No idea is this hormonal but I don't think so anymore. I know when my mood is not right before or after periods. But this is something much bigger. I have huge headaches, increased heart beats, unstoppable crying, hands shaking, heat rushes in body, can't express or think about myself properly. I don't know what is wrong with me or is it my fault or theirs, I just don't know and can't figure it out. 
I knew I was getting more and more sensitive day by day and their are some things that really trigger me. I met my cousin one week ago. We stayed at theirs. Although she is a hormonal teenager who cries on her period which I totally understand but what I saw was she is broken, just because she wanted some of her father's (my uncle) love. All he does is only tell her how bad she is, whatever she does, he just tells it's bad and that she should learn to endure all this and do house work so that he can marry her off soon(she is just 20). All because their economic conditions are not so good and as my mother says "kya karega becahara, he is just pareshan and frustrated". Okay........ So is this how parents are supposed to behave with their children???? Is it valid for him to let all his frustration out on his wife and daughter just because he is having a hard time with money??? Is it valid to leave a lifelong mark like that on your own children for whom what you think or tell is all that matters????? I can't even stress on how wrong indian parenting system is. Most of the time it's the fathers that show this behaviour. That girl will think for life that it is her who has the problem and she will have this complex anywhere she goes. What I don't understand is that she was not like this before. My aalu was a bright child since childhood. She was all good in every cca activities. I don't know what happened now, she didn't even give her jee exams for some ghar ka jhagda only and got admission in some bakwas college with no classes even. Whatever happens, it is the parents responsibility to be there for your child and atleast don't scar them for life along the journey even if the end destination they are thinking is good. And why are daughters only the survivors of all this agony of their fathers and ultimately their mothers sometimes? Why are the sons thier best friends and daughters are only the target for being wrong even after doing everything to make their parents happy? Why is it like this, I don't understand. It is not enough just to give birth, be a good parent till childhood and leave them away when they enter teenage and began to understand the world. Why should the children have to be in an environment where everyone is emotionally absent when they need it the most. Is it fair to let them die from inside forever? This is all wrong and triggers me because I connect with it personally at many levels and have faced similar things.
Some days after when we were there, I was actually having pms and my body was paining because of that. There was a pooja at their house and it was a lunch for friends and family. Being the eldest in my house, I just volunteer without anyone even telling and I don't expect anyone to tell me or appreciate me because I just see it as a duty. But, the patriarchy there, oh my god. All my aunt's, my mother and even my grandmother who had a recent surgery are always the last to eat and all the males and even the raja betas who are active 10 year olds are always the first to eat. I went with the flow because I can't change them. I did everything, helped with serving, helped with distributing, almost everything. After that I ate along with my mother and girl cousins. I just started feeling a bit tired after that because of pms. So I went ahead with taking a bit of rest because I thought as my brother and other two boy cousins have already ate, they will obviously help with distribution so that my aunts and two of her friends could eat. Thanks to their patriarchal upbringings, my Raja beta cousins didn't even turn up but it wasn't the case with my brother. My mom has always brought up both of us equally to understand our responsibilities in situations. He was the one doing work. I am not at all mad about that, I was rather proud that my brother doesn't give in to their expectations and is indeed helpful. So, this happened but as it was very cold and I was still inside the blanket what I heard was appreciations of my brother for doing a bare minimum like asking my aunt to eat(which I did a lot of times already). It's okay till now till my grandmother says with a lot of agony and scuff that he works even more than all the girls in the house. I mean what? I know I sound jealous but I swear I am not jealous at him. I am just frustrated at the attitude of our own mothers and aunties towards girls and boys. What the fuck is all this? It was the birthday of my girl cousin, she served everyone and was the last one to eat and didn't even recieve any appreciation for it. It was rather only the gungan of how they are so ecstatic that they have been blessed to receive water from the hands of a boy whom they have fed till now. And if I would have said anything I knew what would come out "you are a girl and this is what is expected out of you, you have to do all this everywhere and blah." So, it doesn't hold any appreciation right? I am not craving for any but the least I expect is them comparing me with my own brother and saying I do not do anything even after not giving a chance to complain. This is honestly very frustrating.
I just wanted to have this vacation over and I was happy when we left.
All forward to my paternal uncle's house who has always been the topic of severe fights and wars in the 25 years of my parents marriage. Everything went bad. They started arguing like crazy while he was still driving. We were just around 20 km to the destination and I already felt like we were going to die because of the way my father was shouting and driving while arguing. He says things like he is going to live maximum 10 years and all things like that because of which I started feeling frustrated and crying and arguing with him and entering the arena to stop all this. The end? End is just all of us emotionally mentally and physically exhausted and me and my mom crying and my father still having a high bp and I don't even know what he is thinking or will we even reach safely now. It is all so embarassing that they are still fighting about the same things and events even after so many years of marriage. Is this how marriages are? Broken and bad? At that point of time I even thought they would have atleast been happier if they were separated. They are old and still totally rivals. Sometimes I feel like it is not like that, but most of the time I feel it is. If this is how marriages are then I don't even want to marry or meet anyone in my life. Since when I have gained consciousness I have only seen them fighting and I remember when I was a kid, I have seen the extreme anger issues of my father, he was such an animal when he got angry that he beat my mother. She was helpless. She has shared with me in the initial days of marriage he used to beat her because of my parental uncle's wife. This is all too much I know but this is the environment I have seen since childhood. He got Cancer because of all this stress and anger. He is atleast better now. I have seen two versions of him in my life. One was before and another one is the present one. 
What I fear the most is what if I turn out to be like him. He is my father indeed and we share a lot of genes, traits and habits. I even observed that my thinking procedure is similar to him. What if I become like him and be even more toxic to my future family or children if they ever be? I already feel a lot of my anger issues are like him and I feel the level of their effects on my own body. I can't stop it even if I would want to. At this rate even if I don't die out of anything else like depression, I would actually die on my own and fall for some disease. All this stress, I see it's effect on myself. I am 21 but I feel like 41. I don't even mix along, all this emotional and mental stress is taking a serious toll on me and I don't know how long will I endure. Sometimes I feel like ending myself, atleast things will get alright then.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts