Trigger Warning
Hello, this might be a long story but it’s something that I’ve been keeping to myself all these years and it’s getting harder to live with it weighing down my shoulders. If anyone who reads this has some advice for me, I’d be really grateful.
It’s been 9 years since my dad touched me in his sleep. I was 11 then and my family lived in a small apartment so we had to share a bed. One night, my mom was finishing up the laundry while I lay down next to my dad. He was already asleep so I just lay there next to him and tried to sleep as well. Suddenly, I felt hands touching and fondling my chest and thigh and I remember turning my head to look at my dad who still had his eyes closed while his hands were on me. I didn’t dare move, though I don’t remember why. I was still so young and knew close to nothing about the situation I was in. All I knew was that what was happening to me was not right and if I told anyone, there would be major consequences. I woke up the next day and everyone acted like nothing happened. I remember observing my dad and he acted so normal and carefree that I just knew he didn’t know what he did the night before. That was the first and last time I was ever touched in that way. I don’t remember how long it lasted. It felt like an eternity as I lay there nervous and scared, waiting for it to end, but in reality it probably only lasted close to 5 minutes. Those 5 minutes changed my life forever. After that one night, my entire personality and relationship with my family shifted. Instead of my carefree little miss sunshine self, I became closed off and would always opt to be alone. I rarely spoke to my parents unless it was necessary and being alone with either of them was too hard for me. People started to worry about me and my sudden shift but in the end, they probably just decided that I was going through a phase that most kids at that age do. A lot of time has passed since then and my relationship with my parents has arguably gotten better- I talk to them more now and can spend quality time with each parent individually. But it still does not change the fact that I was unintentionally molested by own father. Until now, I have never ever spoken of it with anyone. I never told my dad in fear of absolutely destroying our already damaged relationship (damaged to me but I’m sure it’s not damaged to him). I never told my mom for obvious reasons; she would freak out and that would definitely have serious consequences on my parents’ relationship. I never told anyone else, especially people that my family is close with, in fear of ruining my dad’s reputation. My father is the nicest man I know, it was just an extremely unfortunate time for me to be laying next to him in bed while he was probably having a wet dream.
All that being said, I’ve been keeping this whole story bottled up to myself to protect the ones I love. However I can’t deny that it’s been eating away at me slowly but surely. Now that I’m 20, I’m wondering if this unpleasant experience will pose a problem when I get intimate in the future (I’ve been single my entire life and have never gotten intimate with anyone). Typing this out helped me a lot already and I feel like I can breathe again. Thank you for reading my story.
Hi there,I’m glad that you feel better by just letting that weight lift off of your shoulders, a burden which ideally shouldn’t be yours to carry. But trust me, I really truly and totally understand why you chose to deal with it that way, there are so many variables along the way and the very fact of the matter is that it wasn’t even perhaps intentional, to begin with. No one can change what happened, or the consequences that it brought for you. I suppose what is more important is your future equation or relationships with potential partners as you mentioned. To say that it may or may not affect is quite an assumption or guess to make. It is different for everyone. Maybe it holds you back initially till you get comfortable, or maybe it just comes naturally and is a great experience for you. Either way, you should know that you shouldn’t hold yourself to any expectations, that “I am supposed to feel a certain way and how I feel isn’t the right reaction” There’s no right or wrong, you’re moving on in life, and how that works for you is how you choose. As you’re making an honest attempt to get over things, be gentle and patient with yourself. You’ve held on to so much for so long that I’m sure it feels like this huge part or secret of yours. But now just think of it as done with, as something that happened. However, I also want you to know that should you feel the need to discuss what happened with your parents, then you should do it…I know you feel responsible and feel like it’ll change things, which it surely will, but if it needs to be brought to the fore, then I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. You were the child, you were the person who had no say in the whole matter. So, now if you do, do it unapologetically. I think ultimately what I’m trying to say to you is, whether you wish to disclose the incident to your parents or not, or whether you wish to get intimate with someone or not…these are all your wishes and choices, and they are right no matter what you choose. You do not really need to put anybody else’s happiness or peace of mind above yours, you’ve had to deal with enough. So, do as you please, and make no bones about it. Lots of love and light and strength xx
Hey u have already suffered so long and it had a great effect on your mind . Well coming to your father…as he didn’t repeat that behavior in past that means he thought your mother in place of you …may be he was in dream…it was all unfortunate and happened by mistake. .so you should let it be…else if you still find inappropriate and think by telling your thoughts to your parents specially your mother ,your mental health can be improved then you should go ahead…!but according to me…it was happened accidentally so letting go will b more better …after getting into relationship u will be automatically better and trust me…u will start to enjoy your relationship phase! So don’t get bother with watever happened in your past and never let its overshadow your present and future!
Take care
