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Mental HealthThought


Hello there… it’s a long story and my story is a bit different… so i met my boyfriend like a couple of years ago…2 years since we started dating. Please avoid my typo and Grammer mistakes…
Evrything was fine… like my mental health, his mental health etc. 
But because of his family… He used to face problems . And they were close minded and not supportive… and they didn’t care to understand even the basic needs of a person… their financial status wasn’t so gud. So sometimes because they used to fight, it uses to affect me and my bf… because of misdirected anger etc.
So ovsly…we used to fight…like everyone…but we had a little more love i guess…so when ever we used to think about breakup… within a few hours we used to patch up.
But there were times when he uses to be over protective, over possesive. And when i tell him that he doesn’t trust me enough…he wouldn’t accept it…  it got worse… but then some how i explained him and he kinda understood and changed… he is doing an open degree right now . So he doesn’t have any frnds right now except… his school friends… (we both are from the same school but in school i didn’t have many friends, and because i used to feel lonely in school, i made gud amount of friends in inter and present graduation) so… because he is home schooling his degree right now… he usually stays home… and because of which he concentrates on me more… i used to feel so controlled… like i have to tell each and every single detail to him… like how do u expect me to be on phone while I’m in college… okay i get it… my college isn’t that strict but still… i will speak to you when i can… it’s not like i have to abandon my class and be on phone all the time right… 
So we talked about this…and some how he reduced complaining about me not texting him while I’m in college… and because my college is too much of exposure … he doesn’t like it… like dude… the total strength of my college is around 600 or students … and he hates if i speak to boys… he’s like I’m not speaking to girls because I don’t let u speak to boys… he feels so insecure… and he doesn’t admit that… he obsly controls what i wear and where i go.(which has got a bit better now)… but sometimes he can’t stop being so controlling…
So even though everything is ok right now… i just want a break from him… so i was waiting for him to clear his exams so that i can leave him… so he had a backlog from inter… which i made him clear… but then he has this degree exams coming up… we both have seperate streams but still i helped him and wrote assignments for him(i kept efforts)… and i was helping him to prepare for his degree … though i have my college pressures already (me being an archi student) i still helped him… even in my inter i managed preparing for inter exams, i was even preparing for a music exam, and entrance exam for graduation… i managed all these and still gave him time… now he is not able to digest it that he has to prepare for all these subjects… (I’m not bad-mouthing him, I’m just explaining my problems) now that after finishing his assignments, i got so fed up… and he doesn’t even care to start studying though we have covid-19 holidays … and i got to a saturation point… And broke up with him recently…
Now, he is like…i only studies for u…now that u left me… I don’t wanna continue my studies and i had allot of expectations on you… like dude… i had expectations on you too… but you didn’t live up to my expectations… i tried to explain u but u didn’t try to understand… i got so frustrated, Taking his academics and my academics on to me… 
And he wasted like the whole year and from jan he started seriously studying… now that he has got more holidays he shld be studying Right now… right? But no… he isn’t …
Like I’m a person who is serious about my future…i want him to prosper so we can have a good future… because i might take some time to settle… is that wrong? Having planning is wrong? … i helped him out mentally… i helped him out financially (sometimes)… i helped him out academically… not even a butbest friend does that… I haven’t done one thing that would make me a bad person (haven’t cheated, was open minded, i wasn’t toxic, i used to ask him to talk to other girls and boys for exposure, i used to show gender equality, i never degraded him for not being financially stable or for not being a bright student or anything, never showed racism or castism ,Nothing, i was always so supportive, sometimes i used to be rude… That’s it i accept it…i wouldn’t be so nice when i was angry or not in mood… that’s why we used to fight and going against his viewsa nd such…but we used to still sort thknhs out)…still he is being over possesive and he doesn’t put his whole efforts … before all these holidays . His exams were supposed to be in may … but now i guess they might get postponed coz of covid-19… but dude… that’s what u wanted right… more time so u can prepare… but u aren’t even preparing… and complaining that i was online without texting u… though i barely talk with boys on whatsapp… and he says that he needs to know evry single moment of me so that he can support me from his family from not telling me anything … uk typical telugu families complain about their daughters-in-law  for not doing household work… ok i get it man… that you are trying to protect me from the negative energy from your fam… But you aren’t doing the two things which I’m aksing…
Now that i finally broke up… he doesn’t wanna continue studies… and is facing depression and other issues right now… so is that my fault… being supportive for a person who doesn’t understand my feelings… ( he used to always misunderstand things… but he was loyal, trust worthy , he hasn’t cheated on me, sometimes he’d be understanding, supportive, i can tell that his love was pure, he even used to keep good efforts in trying for me, but according to me, those weren’t enough) Okay…i get it .one must adjust to be in a good relationship, but I’m not able to do that . I’m crying and taking stress. I don’t want him to go in depression and ruin his future either . that’s why i wanted to wait till may, but now i lost the patience and just ended it.
And the main thing is …i never really wanted to discuss about marriage coz… i had plans of going abroad or going to other state for post graduation… and he doesn’t want me to go far… coz he cannot do a long distance relationship… and he wants to get married asap after my graduation because I’ll take 5 yrs to finish my b.arch and he only takes 3 to finish his… ( right now we are in 1st yr but he is kinda older than me agewise ) but i want more time … He never really cared to understand that and i know that in future we were anyway gonna face problems or breakup… so i did it now… to avoid further problems in future… and right now i really wanna concentrate on my career…
 But now…he is depressed and probably he’s gonna stop studying i guess.because his parents don’t really care if he studies or not… But i don’t wanna spoil his life. I am his well-wisher. I want him to become well settled and happy. and this is not the first time this issue is happening… even though i love him… I can’t be so stupid to make the wrong decision again and again and spoil my life…what if he becomes more possesive and controlling in future… right?
I myself am facing issues … i cannot handle his pressure too… but i just want him to move on … I’m scared about him and if i get any further info about him hurting himself… i might call suscide helpline for him… for now i cut him off completely hoping him to forget me…
I will heal myself from this experience but i just don’t wanna hurt anyone anymore…

2 replies

Hey there,You sound like such a sweet girl. I don’t want you to think, even a little bit, that his lack of interest in studying is your fault. The will to change one’s life needs to come from within. No matter how much you motivate or inspire a person, if they are not willing to act upon it, especially if it is in their own best interest, then nobody can force them into doing it. In fact, being forced into doing it, is probably the least effective way to change somebody’s attitude. I’m sure he isn’t a bad person, and neither are you. But that shouldn’t be the only reason to stay in a relationship. If the relationship isn’t healthy anymore, if it is taking a toll on you, your growth, your experiences in life, then you must move on, as you have. As far as he is concerned, he is going to be that way for a while, and perhaps he will be bitter for a long time. But you have to understand that he needs time to recover. And he will feel low right now. So, you need to step away so that he can understand the seriousness of it and cope with it. You mean well, but some battles need to be fought individually. He needs to step up and figure out his life for himself, without your hand-holding. 
Just remember, “Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”


Hi, I was in the same situation you’re in. Don’t think that him not wanting to study anymore is in any way your fault because it is not. My ex boyfriend was exactly like yours, controlling, toxic, he would even try to fight all of my guy friends because he was so jealous and insecure. I would be the optimistic one in our relationship. He was very negative about everything, so as the good girlfriend I was, I tried to bring his hopes up to mine so we could work hard and have an amazing and successful future together. But he would never listen to me and he wouldn’t care about his studies, the only things he worried about was me and my whereabouts. At the time I thought I was in love with him, so I would try my hardest to get him to be at my level when it came to school.He knew how important my future to me was, but even I wasn’t enough motivation for him and he was obsessed with me. Personally, I don’t think you should go back to him unless he is really willing to change for the better. And if he’s not then it would be best to just move on because it’s not right for him to act that way.


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