hello!! really long message up ahead 😦
i usually hate letting out my negative feelings to anyone as i hate negative vibes ): but this has already become too unbearable for me to the point of not knowing what to do anymore. for all my life, ive grown up in a traditional and conservative household with strict parents. sometimes, things here get a little unbearable and it really hurts to not be able to let it out.
my mom, for instance, never fails to make me feel very insecure about myself. from looks to studies, i’ve always been constantly compared to everyone else who looked more beautiful than me, and to everyone who were smarter than me. she manages to point out all my mistakes again and again, and always blames me for everything that goes wrong in my life. i’ve always tried to change for the better, but nothing ever seems to work.
my dad, on the other hand, favors my sister more than me. recently, my sister opened a small online business just to cope with quarantine. my dad has been nothing but supportive towards it, and has always helped her with everything that she needed. i love my sister to the moon, but sometimes i wondered what it would be like to have that sort of attention as well. my dad would always tell my mom on how at least one of us was being productive instead of lounging around reading books and talking with friends. hearing those words really hurt me, as there have been so many other instances where this happened as well.
sometimes, all these are too painful to take in to the point that i just end up crying in front of them. to make things worse, they berate me and call me immature for crying. they tell me that i have no right to cry over things like these, and that i always manage to make a big deal out of everything. they say that i have the worst attitude ever, and they always see the negative side of me. everything really hurts so much, but i dont want to come off as ungrateful or selfish to other people.
there were many times i wished that i was born into another family, or many times i wished that i was dead instead. to help cope, i read books and watch shows to throw away this heaviness. although these days, they dont really seem to work anymore.
i just hope there could be someone here who could just talk to me and understand me ): maybe you guys could drop some book or show/kdrama recommendations so i could try them out! thanks to all of you for reading this long message! (: stay safe and always take care.
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