Trigger Warning
Hello. I have given up. I don’t feel like doing anything, I have no dreams and I am no longer scared of disappointment. Yet, at the same time, I want to feel like doing something, I want to dream and I want to stop disappointing myself and others. It’s like I’m drifting through time, just being there. I can’t even remember what I did today. Probably nothing.
The only reason I haven’t put an end to all yet is guilt. I feel like I am killing someone else. Someone who deserves the world. Someone who deserves happiness. Someone whose death would impact other’s happiness.
I would love to trade my life. Give it to someone who actually wants to live. Or to the person inside me who actually deserves it.
I want to work towards that but every time I take a step, I break down. I am scared of living.
I actually had to roll myself into a blanket roll and make myself face the wall to stop staring at the paper cutter today. It was not the first time.
I am terribly lonely even though I have a best friend and a very close one and my famile who supports me. I get told I am liked by others but I can’t shake myself out of the delusional expectation that I have to be liked by everyone, to get along with everyone. On days I don’t talk a lot, I stress out. Om days I talk a lot, I stress out even more.
Just what am I supposed to do with myself? No matter what I do, I don’t get better.
Simran Patel @simranpatel
Thank you for sharing this with us. You are extremely brave to have found the strength to type what you’re feeling. You’ve taken the first step. And we are so proud of you! Just remember, you have the power to do whatever you want to in life. You’re strong, you’re brave, you’re beautiful and you’re worthy. You need to live for yourself and not for others. You have the power to lead a life that’s meaningful. You matter. Never forget that. And whenever things get hard, read these comments. We are all here for you, and we know you will find a way to overcome this. Wishing you lots of strength and love and hugs.
Thank you… I will keep this in mind whenever I feel bad
You can’t imagine how much I relate to this. I saw the comments before this, and this may not be so positive and empowering, but it’s exactly what I feel. I have people I can talk to, but it just seems like I’m lonely. I’ve stopped talking to people, in the fear of being judged for my opinions and my choices, and that just makes me feel way more pathetic and hopeless about myself. It’s like I’ve lost all the livelihood and confidence I once had. The hope and expectation of being liked by everyone has created this sort of mindset, and now every day just feels like a burden, like I have to survive through the day. Sometimes, I talk a lot with people I’m slightly comfortable with and most times, I don’t talk at all and hide my opinions from others. It’s seriously weird that I’m becoming the kind of person I never liked. The timid, stressed out, overthinking freak. And sometimes when I see people who are doing AND acing everything, having a great social circle and just having no possible regrets in life, it freaks me out even more. I tried so hard, but I seriously didn’t know what to do with myself. It was like I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to lose.
But you know what keeps me going, the fact that I’m here right now and dealing with whatever I have to deal with. I AM SURVIVING. I HAVE DEALT WITH THE STRESS, THE PROBLEMS, THE URGE TO JUST GIVE UP. I HAVE DEALT WITH EVERYTHING THAT LIFE AHS THROWN AT ME SO FAR. You might have heard this, “Live your life, one day at a time”. You might feel miserable but that’s normal. Everyday is just a challenge. And the fact that you rolled yourself in a blanket burrito, just goes to show that you ARE dealing with life. Everyone’s fighting their own battles and there is no easy solution. But life is not easy, nor is it simple. It’s a fucking rollercoaster with no bars or handles to hold on to. You just have to close your eyes, feel the wind and just go with it. You don’t know where this ride will lead you but you are on it now and there’s no going back. So just enjoy and cherish every moment you have. You don’t have to make everyone like you, haters gonna hate, but remember you’re living your OWN life for YOURSELF. Just enjoy every moment, it doesn’t always have to be good. Living doesn’t mean living life to the fullest, tbh nobody’s doing that. Everyone’s just dealing with life, some are taking it head-on and some are still exploring. But that’s the beauty of living life. That we are all just exploring it. And this exploring MATTERS. All of us MATTER. You MATTER. I MATTER. Roll yourself in a blanket, dance to some cheerful tunes or simply cry your heart out to Adele, but DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY. You don’t need to talk if you don’t wish to. Or you could talk as much as you fucking want to, but just BE HAPPY. That’s living life:)
Just imagine a huge, sloppy, tight hug from me to you. Because I am so proud of you. And in my head I’m giving you, in your blanket roll a very comfy hug. There’s that spark in you, that little light that can grow up to become a fire. Just take the burden off your shoulders. Don’t think. Just breathe. Exhale. Exhale any negative thoughts. Feel the moment. Feel the weather as it is. Come back to now. Don’t think about people, don’t thiink about past, about future. Just you as you are. Just life around. Just that flower bud inside of you waiting to bloom. It won’t be easy my friend, but oh it will be so worth it. It will be a story to tell. Just don’t take on everything together. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. It will be a series of conscious efforts. Small changes to begin with. The fact that you stared away from the paper cutter, THAT my friend, is a huge step. That is something to be proud of. You made it. You’re looking out for yourself. You’re doing good. YOU deserve the world my friend. YOU did yourself proud. You did us proud. Pat yourself on the back for that. Keep talking here, I’m rooting for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you :) I just remembered how much hugs mean to me (hence my rolling into a blanket roll) and I think I should hug my loved ones a bit more. I think it’s going to get easier that way. Until then, though, I will keep talking.
And I am glad you are proud of me for looking away. I am too. Even if I felt regret for not following up… But I think the regret of a life not lived is even heavier.
you got it buddy, you got ittt :')) ❤️
