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Entrepreneurship

Nostalgic 
Feels as if I'm never going to feel okay anymore and I'm failing to keep up with life 


Anxiety

Can somebody teach me music! 😭

I'm dieng everyday... 
Born in middle class family. 
Earning 45k, I have a 25k EMI to pay.  Going Solo trips and crying everyday on trip. 
No Savings... No interest to work. 
Escaping from work. 
Day by Day...taking debt from friends. 
No self care, Loosing hairs(already half bald), fat body, No Confidence while public speaking, No Technical skill sets at work. 
had a break-up, She got married and she enjoying very good life. 
I started comparing myself with her husband. 
No confidence for speaking to anyone.
Guys please someone help me 🙏

What I really have?? Why should I live??😭




Psychology

People suck

3am Thoughts

Feeling conflicted or complicated? Dunno.

Today, my father died.

Before anything else, I have to say that my mother and father are currently separated. Not LEGALLY. They're still married in papers since our country doesn't allow divorce, and annulment is too... Uh, not really went their minds, I guess. It's because the same situation has been repeated for three times already.

During my kindergarten days, they fought and separated ways, but got together a year later. They fought again because of their beliefs difference and temperament clashes. That was during my early teenage years.

Then, the last time was just last dec 2018. The day started as normal as it could be, but then something happened.

It caused our feelings that were hidden inside to get triggered. Eventually, even I got my chest out of those unsaid words I've been thinking all these years. I was 21.

So... They got separated again. This time I was told by my father to 'get out of the house'. In response, I said 'I will!'

...

Since that time, I haven't talk and meet my father. I only knew that he went back to his hometown, a far away local province.

During these years, we heard that he got a new wife (it's because their religion allows it, but neither my siblings followed it) And even a 1 yr old son.

No one from our side (my mother and siblings) could confirm it as true. Only from those my father's side could we hear news from him since communication is not stable there.

Even so, we were not heartbroken. Why? For me, I don't really feel anything. Maybe a little? But not sadness. More like, 'huh? Really? Unbelievable!'

But when I look at my mother and hear her say it's okay and she's even glad that someone could take care of him. Deep inside of me wonders... Does she really feel that way? Maybe she's hurt? He was her husband afterall even after all of those years in conflict. Although she have already said it waaaay before that she have already given up her relationship with father and she only wishes that he could get along with their children— us. Unfortunately, we were not really close to him.

It felt like as if he's that strict relative that we don't want to talk to. He was strict, but not too much that it's unbearable. But, he isn't affectionate at all. I don't remember any moments that we laughed as a whole family, or even to me.

Yes, he laughed. But towards others.

Moving on to the current situation.

Last week, we were informed that he got attacked by mild stroke, so my mother and I hastily went there in a 7 hrs travel by land.

Mother convinced him to get admitted since he didn't want to because of financial problem. So, they sent him to the nearest hospital which is approximately 30 mins to 1 hr travel.

He was there for a night and was diagnosed. He has high blood which is already a natural cause. If he had maintained his medicine and took care of his body, it would have been fine.

He had 1 yr old son and a new young wife, and two kids from the young wife's previous marriage. He worked as a labor.

That made my mother and I to conclude that because of his work, his body couldn't take it and got mild stroke. When we were still living together, my mother have always kept on reminding him not to exhaust his self especially on a hot day. If he feels even a little tired, he should rest. But maybe because this time no one would remind him, he have ignored his physical aging body. For goodness's sake! He's a 60 yr old something old man!

It wasn't like he was financially lacking. The rental fee income from our previous home were sent to him monthly. Even if it's not much, but it was enough for a provincial hometown. But I guess, it wasn't enough to feed his new family... Sigh.

He got admitted and was discharge the next day since the doctor it was just high blood. We bought him his medicine and settled him back to his house.

It was decided to bring him to a bigger hospital in a 5 hrs travel distance city. He was supposed to stop for a night at another city on the way before arriving at the said city. This is so he only had to travel at least 2 hrs and rest a night, then travel another 2hrs.

We went home, my mother and I. It was planned that when father gets admitted to that bigger hospital, we could go there anytime since it's just a 1 hr travel from us.

But yesterday he got attacked by stroke again when he was being put into the car. This time it seems more serious. He was sent back to the local small hospital and was referred to the nearest hospital. However, this hospital is lacking equipments which is why we didn't consider it before. Now, they had no choice but to send him there because of the situation.

He was comatosed since then. And our relatives have said that he might won't make it. Even the doctor said some signals, vaguely they say.

We could only go there tonight and arrive tomorrow morning. But this noon...

We were told that he died.

My first thought was 'oh, so he didn't survive'. My second thought was 'is my mom crying now?'

Then... I felt nothing.

I couldn't feel sad. I'm even telling myself that I'm too indifferent.

I TRIED to feel sad... But it seems soooo fake.

I couldn't feel what I am supposed to feel as a daughter who have a father that just died far awayfrom her.

I am writing this letter because of it.

Am I indifferent? Am I too heartless?

But I really can't feel it. I'm thinking that it might be because it haven't sink in to me yet, but as I write this... I don't... I can't feel that sadness.

I even think that tomorrow when we arrive there, I might cry. Cry not because I lost my father, but cry because everyone is crying.

I feel guilty for being like this.



Family

Koi cadbury bytes vapas laa do🙂🙂

Nostalgia

Actually I don't know how am I feeling right now it might be because I have a problem which I don't know and I just hope that the world will end up tomorrow when I woke up. To tell you the truth I literally wanna cry badly but I am afraid of crying 😭😭💔💔💔

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