He told me that he hated commitments and relationships and wanted to focus on his studies for the next 3 years when I asked him out because I fell for him and he was my bestfriend
And now I got know that he's in relationship and in love with a girl
And I could do was act cool about it and pretend not to care
whereas here I am, hurt and broken

Crush

 me and boyfriend were in a relationship fr almost 5 years everything was almost going smooth the mistakes i did  being in the relationship were easily forgiven by my boyfriend after we had arguments  i apologized and he forgave and acted or make me feel like its really okay. After 4 years we decided to get in physical relationship and just after 3 months being physically involved he acted unusual he want break from me he used to say we will be good friends and he want to focus on his career and he said he doesn't forget and forgive my mistakes which i have done before which was forgiven by him at that time  and at that time.I was already having insecurities about us because of his unusual behavior like ignoring,avoiding not replying nicely and than he broke up with me. He was in contact with me but he was not  understanding my insecurities he called me toxic for arguing and questioning him,I was feeling devastated, cheated, failed at the same time it was feelings as heavy as  mountains.I was upset and depressed and angry with him and because of all this mixed feelings i did a mistake i kissed a boy who was my friend  on his cheek which was out of revenge i really don't feel anything for him and just after few months my boyfriend patchup with me. I hide this incident because of two reasons firstly i don't want to lose him again and secondly he will be hurt.Our relationship was going smooth after pat hup everything was going normal but this December he get to know about this incident i apologized to him several times and tried many time to make him understand my situation but he was hurt and he brokeup. I really want to know can't i be forgiven and givwn a second chance ?

Anxiety

**Confused**
I was in a happily relationship with a guy 5 yrs elder than me.  Sometime ago his family forced him to marry, he asked me bt my family refused coz i am 20 only. He got married with a beautiful girl. We still love each other. After that incident my parents are now force me to be focus on studies only and said that i have now 2 years to study after that they will get me married. Now its time that i have to focus on ky studies. Now before a week ago i was started getting atrracted to another guy i purposed me and i was confused coz relationship can destroy my future 
Then,  before 3 days that boy message me again we start talking as a friend. I get emotional talking to him. 
I need someone to talk to me understand me. And he is that person. I was thinking to move on only to fullfil that loneliness in my life bt after coming my ex back its completing bt same time i know he is married now and there can be some problems in his life due to our friendship. Now i get confused thinking these two guys, my loneliness and my studies. 

Relationships

Well....I am confused about how i feel about my relationship with my boyfriend, its been 3 years  and i do not vibe with him or connect to him... he wouldn't listen to me of what i speak of my interest and he is one person with no interest at all... while we meet we just be on phone and talk to less and his job, lockdown and my post graduation have left us no time to talk to each other and i feel better and less restricted when i dont talk to him... he just in this realtionship because he is in love but i dont think that is enough... he has recently lost his dad and that makes things more difficult he does not talk at all or meet at all but he wants to be in relationship and i am quiet confused about what are we and what can i do for this... 


Why does he flirt with me and mentions his crush the next moment? 

3am Thoughts

I have been in relationship with this boy for almost three years.. after some months he wasn't the same. He changed. He stopped caring, he stopped looking at me. When i told him these things he started getting annoyed. And when I wept, he got more annoyed... After 3 years I got some strength and finally decided to end it with him. I stopped talking. But then he sent me I miss you kind of messages and I couldn't resist. Just everytime I tried leaving he'd get sad or i don't know if he actually did. But seeing him sad always brought me back. he knew it. And once I was back.. he was back to the same. I felt no love. No happiness . Only yearning. More and more. In the end i felt that it was impossible to stop talking to him, cuz i suffocate. And the next time he said i miss you, he got sad. I went to him.. and I told him that I'll be there but there should be only a casual relationship so that I don't end up expecting anything from him.. he was totally okay with it.
Today we talk less, I don't wait for his call, receive when he calls. And i don't stop him when he says bye.. 
But today, even after i have stopped him from doing so, he kissed me on video call. Although i pretended that i didn't like it. And remained neutral. I did like it. 
I felt again that he feels something for me

I waited for his call till night , he didn't call.. i controlled but i texted hey and did call in the end. He didn't receive, and then after some time he sent a text hi. 
I know it's too much overreacting maybe but i was expecting a call back. So i said , good night I'm sleepy. He said good night. Then i again called in a bit, he picked up and he said i was gonna go to sleep as a taunt, i said maybe cuz i thought you'd call.. in a fun way so that it isn't awkward.. 
I waited for the same look in his eyes but he didn't even looked at me . He kept doing something in the background. I agin said I'm sleepy and i said bye. So did he. 
I know it isn't that much big of a matter but since then I'm angry on myself for loosing my control. Maybe for thinking too much. And maybe for expecting that he would have wanted to talk to me cuz he kissed my face in the morning.. but nothing , blank. I can't help feeling angry even if it is too much. I cannot help it. How do i get over this guy.. it's a cycle which just keeps on going and never ends. Its driving me mad...

I was 17 years old when I was in a middle of a relationship that I had entered into because he was my friend and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I wasn't in love with me, and he tried to control my decisions, so I decided to walk out of it. During all this was happening, I was a freelance content writer and I met this guy for whom I worked for. He told me he was based in Pune and despite, I knew only the basics, he said he will teach me, and he rarely talks to any writer like he does to me. I started sharing a mentor-mentee bond with him, and everything seemed perfect. He was vulnerable, and he shared how he had been with someone who isn't willing to marry him, but has been seeking money. I believed him. He told me a thousand stories of how bad things happened to him, and he always happen to be right. We would talk for long hours, and work as well. But this was all through virtual means. 

I was naive and vulnerable. My mental health had hit the slide and my mistake was seeking solace in him. I started considering him a friend. I'd share things with him, and he would share his. It was a pure bond. I kind of started feeling attracted to him, but he was older, he told me he was 6-7 years older. He would tell me how he had helped others and suffered, and how he was afraid to help now, but still helped me whenever I needed. He seemed kind.

4 months into this, we started dating. It was long distance, he was older, but it felt real. I was a child and I thought everything will be fine. It wasn't. He would not share his pictures very often saying he wasn't comfortable clicking them. He would not allow me to video call me saying his parents are conservative. He wouldn't talk to me in and around his house for the same. He would walk down to a park to talk to me. I'd request him to come to my city, but he said let's be sure focus and you need to focus on your work. I didn't see any of the red flags because I didn't want to make my partner do something they were not comfortable with. 

Months passed. Everything was perfect. We never fought. I had no complaints. I respected him boundaries, told him to respect mine. Anotber fishy thing was he wasn't in the favour of telling about us to my friends. I did very soon, but he wasn't very supportive with this. Even when we had a fight, he would say I am afraid you will take legal action against me. I would laugh because I thought why would I do that I loved him. 

He would offer to buy me gifts, but I wasn't very supportive of taking gifts. If I would offer to send something, he would say I will ask when you'd earn money. Months into our relationship, he came to my city to meet me and stayed at his cousins place. They didn't know about me. No one did. I would insist to tell to somebody so that if anything wrong happens, I have somebody to reach to
. He said his parents will force him to marry, and I was too young. So I cooperated. We met. Everything was perfect. He was dreamy.

When I had asked about his ex, before entering into our relationship, he said he declined money favours, so she blocked him. I asked more questions, whenever I'd ask he would say I will tell you when we will see each other. 

I believed. When we did, we told me everything, I don't know which parts our true. He left. He came again 3 months later. At one instance, I was making fun of Aadhar caed pictures and had his wallet in my hand, he snatched it from me. I would insist he would say it's very bad. I ignored. 

He left few days later. And he asked me to find places to stay for him. He wanted to move to my city. So 8 months later, I was. Covid happened. He stopped calling me. No Video calls. No calls
 Just texts. I would request saying I need to hear you, he would say if he would step out, his parents are old, anything can happen. I said but you can talk from here, we would fight and things would be under the carpet. This continued for 6 months. We completed 2 years and then he called me fir a minute to wish me. 

A few months before we turned two, I got to know he had a sibling. A sister which I had known about, but when we met he said he was only child and I assumed she must be his cousin, but they might be close. He lied. I got to know it after 1.5 years. It was a small thing, but the point was he lied. I fought. We fought a lot. Before forgiving him, I would ask him if there's anything else he lied about or else when I get to know in ruture. I will leave. He said it was a misunderstanding he never wanted to lie.

I developed a sense of fear, a thing that something is wrong. 2 years 3 months later. I'd randomly ask him what his age was. And he would laugh and say 12. 2
. I am a foetus. He had told me his exact age when we met, but I started doubting it. But considered it a doubt of overthinking, than facts. 2 years 3 months later, I was having this conversation again, when a normal conversation turned into a fight and I figured out he was 13 years older to me.
I was in pieces. I broke up with him. 

I was afraid if he had been married. I wanted to know, I tried. I don't know yet. He knew I was a kid. I trusted him. It's been 5 months, but I find it difficult to deal with it. I wish I could know the truth. 




Long Distance Relationship

Hey i am in love with my boyfriend and so is he, but when we think about future it kind of scares me because we don’t know if our family will approve on us getting married 

Mental Wellbeing

It fucking sucks and fucks my brain up when he cuts me off or just is never listening and then is like I got to do, or sleep or I wanna watch this, with a look like ' will you shut up?'
And I'm like you say you love me? 
The lack of interest this man has in anything I say unless he wants to seem like he cares (and manipulate me to stay or keep taking care of him, when he's unwell or needs something or feels empty and idk wtf else the reason is) he don't give a fuck mahn! And he is the priority for both of us and mahn I can't even explain it. It just sucks that I can't stop feeling the way I do even when I have known and loved with him for four years. It just seems like I know him one day and the next he's just the worst stranger I let into my heart and home and Life mostly. And i feel like a dumb bitch to be wasting my life just figuring him out. And doing nothing for myself or just like get away from all the noise and think about it all without manipulative empathy or sympathy or whatever idk. It lastly maybe I am self consumed  tbh I have fkd myself up and tested and tried myself on this and i don't think or feel self consumed but I am not going to not consider and put it out there still so I'm keeping a plane for both of us because i knoenim far from a perfect or flawless human being. I make mistakes and i learn, i try and get it right so the people i care about don't have to go through anything hurtful or disappointing. You know, cause I know what it's like. But I think I get played each, somedays I catch it someday I just let my emotions go and i go back to being made invisible in my own house. Sitting right next to me and not hearing or pretending tbh to have not heard me and I am a coward or just get it that he doesn't want to really so I don't say it again but then I have to muster up all the courage and ego in me and say it out loud and then he might just ask again what you said and you are getting disrespected and punished and you still have to be mature and say it again and then he'll give u a one word answer with an expression that ' how dare u disturb me' when you tell him, I said it twice before maybe you didn't hear me? He'll get upset and throw a tantrum and then for days on end he doesn't talk no matter you try to talk or make a joke or be interested in his bullshit he says and things he's interested in and pretend that all is okay and once he's done he'll stop hearing you again. So idk. He plays a lot of games like these where he'll either shut down and pretend you're not here and keep leaving things wherever and never helping out nor having the shame that do the most bare minimum things that he knows would make me unwell or like I'm a light sleeper and hell bang doors everyday and then be like sorry if I address it after taking the banging and waking up startled, for a week and then he'll be like I'm sry. And not even look at you and make that face he makes that eye roll-y face. It's like I'm am stinking or like I'm a puddle of water on the street that he's so disgusted by and crossing away from. But he also tells me he likes me, lives me, adores me, like I'm like no one else that's why he chose me that I'm so grounded and understand n shit like that and then if I question that his actions don't match his words than he will rage and rage and storm off, break things and call me names and insult everything about ke and drag me to levels i never thought I would let anyone do this to me after all I've seen, I've seen some worse shit but that also feels was more bareable because it didn't last as long as this, it's been four years since he's been doing this. It's a long long and complicated story of how we got together but just know it wasn't usual or simple or healthy (or love or lust) at all. 
I have raged on him, tried to stay calm and make all the changes he asked for ( meanwhile he didn't change a thing for me, not even the way he constantly lied to me on just even the most basic things and his gaslighting and manipulation and control.. lord the list goes on and my vocabulary isn't that dense or articulate that j could explain it anymore. )
I let him control almost every aspect of my life, i guess all of it cause I was in that place in my life (maybe still am, cause he's still here fighting with me when I get sick [like I have pcod and other stuff so most periods are hard and i get really really sick and can't ven get up without crying most times so...]  and me nursing back to health and taking care of him like a child when he's sick now)
Mahn I am so wasting my life and it sucks that I can see it go by and I'm so unhappy, I'm so sick, I'm wasting myself away and like I know it's a dead end but I keep getting hooped back in. Idk how many more years of my life will I waste on him, i hope it ends soon though. I hope I don't love as just a disappointing and unloveable child to my parents (who ofc fucked me up mentally because of their own narcisisim or just generational toxic behaviours) but like I don't hate them, I love them but I don't like them very much as human beings not as parents but I respect and appreciate all they've done and all they've achieved for themselves and same goes for my molesting and just out right a horrible human being who now acts like his past is deleted and he's a new person and he has no accountability to give and he can just walk this earth manipulating and groping and using and abusing vulnerable people. Just like most my ex's at this point. 
So anyways, I'm a bit buzzed and pretty broken or whatever idk it seems pretty pretentious to be using these words when I have not been diagnosed with any because I can't afford therapy.... Fuck another tangent.
Guys thanks for listening. I like this place a lot. This is the most home I've felt mahn since I was 14 (those 3-4 years were the best, cause I had my shit together, i had my family, my chosen ones and they accepted me and I accepted them, they helped me grow I helped them grow, we proceed each other from people using us as pawn or whatever idk it was good, we stuck together, we stayed good and made our parents proud, until my mother knew and ... Yeah doesn't matter now. Fuck imma go now. Thanks again guys, thanks now&me I am grateful for this came around and I'm here trying to give life a shot and myself a shot at making better decisions I guess and still keeping my heart open, even thought the wounds are so fresh and bleed everyday, but hey I guess we all bleed this bad once and you can't see the blood, and i believe the best thing is to share it with everyone, not so you get smypathy but empathy if any, but mostly let someone else in this position know what you think the truth is so they can chose the best for them and you can be in peace knowing you did your job and the reward is doing it again and here a thank you or just that you did your job mahn! I think it's my job being in a community system humans built that I want to be educated the right and truthful things and i want to pass that on and my own takes on it with others who like me would need all the resources and ways and answers they can get, from as many people from different experiences so they can make the best choice and not feel like they were blindsided and lied to and depraved most of all from your choices and the truth and the facts about things. I was denied them for 25 years and then i ventured out of shere misery and helplessness so i could make a change with all that was happening with me and understanding like wtf bro, that's not what normal should be or feels like...

Anyways
I hope you have a wonderful day and an insightful and fulfilling day. This has been cathartic to write. Thank you again, best of blessings and love.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts