Trigger WarningGrowing up my parents have stressed heavily upon getting good grades and studying in order to have a better future, which might be the general theme in asian households, as i’ve heard on the internet. This stress on studying was so extreme, that they would not allow me to do anything other than studying so that it wouldnt affect my grades, to the point where they never let me go out with my friends until the late age of 18 years old. However, my grades started falling, due to severe mental health issues, in my last years of high school. The result? My parents tolerated these bad grades for a long time, and when they found out about my severe depression and other issues, (bear in mind it was not through me they found out because of a school teacher who read my poetry book which was expressly about my depression), they accepted it, my mother even tried to help me, but of course it was too good to be true.Yes my parents have hurt me before physically, as a child, due to disobedience, so-called rudeness, stupidity, hitting back my older sibling who was calling me names and other reasons that I do not wish to recall.I decided to take a gap year, to re-take my final high school exams, with the full support of my high school teachers and my parents. However, the third day after my parents found out about my depression, my father got angry at me for having mental health problems, he said very hurtful things and when i tried to explain things to him he got angry at me for talking back to him, and then he tried to beat me up but my mother interfered and tried to stop him. Well that day somehow passed.A month after studying by myself in my gap year he took my phone and laptop away, and this time when he got angry at me, he did hit me this time because somehow having depression was my fault. He took away my phone and laptop because he believed that it was because of them that i was having psychological problems. Now yesterday again, he beat me up because he was claiming that I dont study, when that is entirely not the case, everyday I devote most of my day to studies, but he kept on saying that i dont study, which forced me to tell him that he was wrong because it really hurt me that all of effort was just being disregarded, for no reason. My mother tried to interfere again, when he threatened to hurt me physically if i didnt shut up, but he said certain things that really agitated me so I responded back, so he did hit me again and again and again and again. My mother kept screaming at him not to and that he should hit her instead of me, and then he did he hit her too. And then he decided to hit me again and say some more hurtful things. The entire evening, yesterday I spent locked up in my room (pretending to study) but i couldn’t study at all, everytime i even heard him talk I couldnt breathe properly, and i started having flashbacks of how he hurt my mom. Yes, I didnt care about how much he physically abused me, but I was really angry about him hurting my mom. Not that I could do anything about it, he is a grown man, albeit he is growing older and weaker, he is still stronger than me physically in every aspect, he is taller than me, has more body weight and so I was helpless again. Ever since yesterday my dad, is the one who has been acting like he was hurt as if nothing he did was wrong, as if i was the one who hurt him rather than him hurting me and my mom.The reason why I am writing here is because the next time he hits my mom, I might lose it and hit him back, the repercussions of which wont be good at all. I also wanted to tell my story to someone, yes i do have friends, that i could lean on in difficult times, but I just dont want them to know this, I really dont want to see this side of me, I dont want them to have to see me hurt and illogical anymore. They have seen too many episodes of my depression and anxiety, i just dont want them to know me anymore. I dont want them to be burdened by me anymore, my stupidity and my family issues. Im sorry, this was more of a rant than a advice seeking rant. Thank you for reading this long rant, I would appreciate your thoughts on what I should do and maybe how to cope with all this.
I understand what you are going through but I can only empathise. One thing I have realised while reading your post, your parents( maybe only your father) have tried to live their dreams through you. They tried to make you a perfect child which in their belief is only academically intellectual. When they saw this dream or aim of their’s failing, your father himself couldn’t handle the pressure. He maybe thinks its a phase and not long enough he’ll have his child back. The thought of losing their child to such problems is unbearable to parent.
Obviously this is only one of the many assumptions that exist and I know you wouldn’t want to hear this right now but maybe a different perspective can change you preception as well.
You can maybe ask your mother to help you seeing a counsellor. Over a period of time, maybe when you get better, try talking to your dad about his feelings or encourage his confidant to make him confide. Maybe the built in stress is making him response this way.
Hi first of all thank you so much for responding, it means a lot to me. Secondly, maybe you are right, but the major problem is that my dad is pretty closed off, he doesnt talk much and believe me i’ve tried to talk to him, but it never works out he always just somehow finds a way to shut down the conversation, its very exhausting.Again thank you, I will try and see a counsellor.