Grew up watching StarPlus shows now healthy relationships are boring for me I be always adding some drama 💀

Growing Up

I say something like "wow this experience is very dreamy and beautiful" and people be like "you're defo a girl" 😐 What the hell is wrong with you all? That's just so sad, how terrible is your country— your town?

Society

was sitting in a family dinner thing .. my little cousin brother plays a online game god knows what it has something to do with the world chat people around the world we can talk to .. so my father was just peeping into his game... and suddenly my brother gets a messseg i love you from I don't know who it was  ... after a couple of minitues when the dinner was finally served on the table .. my father giggles to my uncle and uncle made a word actually not a word .. i was out the conversation listening to all but not a word from mouth... my uncle asked my brother you received I love you .. wow and laughed ... my father be like in a simple funny tone was it from the girl or the boy .. my little brother with no talking sense girls never propose guys .. my uncle in a second oh so it was boy ain't it? .. and my father giving it a laugh actually everyone around there .. and then my uncle just said.. if it was a boy who proposed you then u mother and father is going to slap u .. and gonna take you to the hospital .. i mean what narrow minded people my family is .. my brother being so innocent .. and whats wrong with people falling in love with the same gender ? i mean it not a crime ain't it ? and its our feeling .. I am not the one of them but I do support and appreciate them they are not wrong its the way they were made .. i hope people with get through the mentality soon loving the same gender is not wrong !!

Gender Equality

It's absolutely okay if you're feeling heavy today. Try sleeping early🌸

3am Thoughts

I never realized how strong I was despite everything I went through until now, because I always thought "oh, others have it worst" I never felt like I could complain about all the things I was struggling with, but then I realized that there's no such thing as worst, it is as bad as it effects you, the worst for you might not be the same as somebody else's, and that's okay we are different for many reasons, not everything is going to effect everyone the same, a situation that might not mean much to you , for somebody else it could destroy them. The life you'd die for could be the death of somebody else's living it. I had a friend who I thought gained everything and have a perfect life after we stopped talking, she was kinda popular, had a bunch of friends, got good grades, a boyfriend. From my eyes she had it all, people liked her now that she wasn't my friend while I was bullied and made fun of, I had no friends I was "the loser" What I was going through was as valid as what she could've been going through, I thought she was fine, how couldn't she be? until a realized she had suicidal thoughts. I don't know anything about her now. After all I was going through it never cross my mind so i couldn't understand how could she feel like that? Then i realized i was being ungrateful, i was not thankful enough with life for giving me the strength she lacked at that moment. I had only compassion for the ones who " had it worst" why? well because as bad as it sounds we humans gain comfort from other people's problems, that's why I'm here. That's what sympathy is,   looking down on others to feel better about yourself. I'm working on improving that part of me but i still have my days. 

Life

my mother says I don't feel like family but more like a neighbor. she said I don't talk to her often that if she didn't start the conversations I never do and I make us feel distant and we don't know each other well she said I don't share anything with her and therefore, I'm more of a neighbor in another room. we frequently watch movies together that I make her watch but when I said that she replied with 'well you don't let me talk as we watch it and then ask me if I remember the characters' that's because she doesn't even watch it. she's always on her phone or doing something else as we watch it ofc I said that but then she said you don't let me talk afterwards too. like she actually watched it and there's something to talk about. I just don't know how to talk okay? I don't do anything all day my uni is on break so telling about her my day would be just "I slept and looked at Instagram all day" I said that to her and she said then send me the funny vids. everything I watch is about my interest and most importantly in English which she doesn't know. she said I could translate it to her?? it loses the meaning and makes me lose interest in interacting with her because it's so forced. she said your sister can talk we talk everyday. but I'm not her I don't know what to talk about. when I do she always brings the topic into either telling me to cook for the faimly or telling me to gain weight and how unhealthy I am. I said that to her and she said "you always got an answer for me don't you, always talking back to me" I'm so hurt. I really love her in my own way for me she's a precious family member. I just don't know how to talk. I can't say my secrets bc I know she'll get mad. I try to spend time with her in my awkward way of being in the same room but that's not enough for me to be a family member I guess. I don't know what to talk about and that's always been so for the past 18 years. that's just how I am I don't know how to suddenly become an extrovert or have social skills. she said you have a brain so find something we both like to talk but when I ask her what she likes sje doesn't answer. says you should know that but how am I supposed to know if you don't tell me? on weekdays she's at work and weekends she watches neflix. but we don't like the same shows. and I still watch it with her. what else am I supposed to do? I don't have anything I like and she doesn't have anything too. what am I supposed to talk about our non-existent hobbies? my days going by sleeping and looking at my phone? how I hate my major and listen to her say you should study? is that gonna make me faimly? tell her about the time I had a date so she can freak out and possibly tell my dad who would probably take my phone and crush it so I don't do anything? tell her about my friends life as if I have any? tell her about clothes I wanna buy so she can call them ugly and too revealing? tell her about my problems so we have a fight? show her this app translate all of it to my language and hear her say how ungrateful I am and she didn't do anything bad to me? go to her with my crying face right now and see how much angrier she gets? tell her the foods I like so she can tell me I'm so unhealthy? I don't even have anything else in my life. that's all I am and I know the outcomes if I say it. our relationship will just get worse. and she'll start going thru my phone probably. tbh I'm scared of her finding this app the most if she somehow translates it and sees my silly problems she'll get so angry WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BAD IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU MY FATHER USED TO BEAT ME WE HAD TO COOK AND CLEAN WE HAD TO EAT WHAT WE HAD YOU UNGRATEFUL KID YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS? DID YOU GET 'TRAUMATIZED' BC I SAID YOU DON'T TALK? yeah I think I'm gonna lock this app. or maybe I should take risk and tell her all I don't know I'm just really sad and fed up. 

Family

My leg hurts so much

Physical Health

Is it normal to feel emotionally detached from my family especially my parents eventhough they are nice?

I feel i am lost , lost everything i have , I knw wt to do now , m trying my best , I meditate, go to gym try to focus on other things bt still , nt able to move on from breakup 😢

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts