Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the victim is made to doubt their own sanity. They are put in such a spot where the perpetrator makes the other believe that their issues and problems hold no meaning. Gaslighting needs to be understood as rooted in gender and power amongst other social systems. Not only is it possible for your partner to gaslight you, but at times we also end up gaslighting ourselves by shrinking our trauma. Today we have with us Chinmayee Aphale to help us understand “Gaslighting in relationships and self-worth” ❤️🔥
About Chinmayee Aphale (She/Her) ⬇️
Chinmayee is a practicing psychologist with a strong inclination to work towards Community Mental Health. She uses an interdisciplinary approach in her sessions. She believes that therapy is a great tool to keep your emotional health in check and she aspires to de-stigmatize and make it accessible for every individual.
Feel free to ask her any and all questions aligning with the theme in the comments section before 29th June 2022 without a smidge of hesitation! ⬇️
P.S- You can also book a therapy session with Chinmayee right here!
Remember that asking questions shows strength, not weakness. 🤗💐
🧡 Ask away and stay informed! 🧡
How to stop gaslighting our own trauma
Good question. God knows how many time I belittle and demean myself saying oh you’re absolutely fine you just seek attention immediately after having an anxiety attack.
Try to build your self efficacy brick by brick…in 2- 3 months you’ll have sufficient amount of evidences that you’re worthy enough. This will help in breaking those trauma bonds. For building your self efficacy take a small goal like reading a twenty pages of novel or practice your favourite sport for 1 hour everyday. Do it without breaking chain. After 2 months you can tell yourself you are atleast a good reader or good sports person. I know it’s a long process but you have to do it.
Thank you so much for this.
If you’ve been through a traumatic experience, it’s very important to acknowledge that you’ve been through something very difficult. If you find yourself gaslighting your own trauma, it could also be a subtle form of self-protective mechanism. It could be a way in which a part of you is trying to protect yourself from traumatic, unwanted flashbacks, memories, and the difficult feelings it brings up.
In order to refrain from doing it, you need to pay attention to your needs. The more you fight or doubt your feelings, the more intense they get. It’s important to be gentle and loving to yourself. Pay more attention to connecting with yourself, and practice activities that will help you release trauma out of the body. You could use different mediums like music, dance, painting or journaling.
I would also recommend reaching out to an MHP to gain a better understanding and support yourself and your feelings throughout the journey.
Thank you for this. I am actually just realizing maybe i have been through some serious stuff. I was just invalidating myself this whole time because people around me were invalidating me the whole time!!
its me @itsme097
Thank you for throwing light on this phenomenon.
I wanted to ask, how to be able to see things objectively when gaslighted or while gaslighting the self?
Detach yourself from every situation… analyse by yourself…if you think the other person is saying something for your benefit and he is able to explain every reasons that’s why he is suggesting you something. And You consider that points valid…then you’re not Gaslighted…but if someone is telling you without proper evidences then don’t trust them. In my pov, don’t trust anyone at first place…after listening them and analysis by yourself, you can make decisions
That’s an interesting question.
It definitely can be tricky but one simple thing that could help is to ask yourself “What advice would I give to my best friend if they were in the same situation?” We often tend to be hard on ourselves and analyze ourselves more critically. If we wish to practice being more objective, we need to look at things as they are and not as we are.
I hope it helps :)
I get gaslighting everyday and denied my reality or to be precise, the reality.
I’m trying to leave one of them and slowly go no contact (not started yet as they still live with me ) but what about my mother or my family of origin. I can’t just disown/go no contact with them. And also I don’t trust myself i keep caving in no matter how much in my head I know that’s wrong. Maybe in trying to … Whatever my childhood trauma & wounds in this relationship because he’s kinda like my mother but more insidious ( the person who i live with) i keep on falling for their lying and then they punish with stonewalling, raging and/ with Narcissistic regulating and punishing patterns if I call out their behaviour, control, say no and or catch their manipulation and denying of something not happen (that absolutely did) that I called them out on. They’ll Gaslight me about the past and keeps playing mind games by switch it up unpredictable to me and out of my capacity of mind anymore tbh
And I’m also guilty of minimising everything of Me. Feelings, trauma, needs, the person I am/was even after knowing better. Idk how to not while I’m where I am
Can a person be their own perpetrator?
I was going to ask the same thing. I think i gaslight myself.
It is possible to sabotage one’s own self. But there are different ways in which it can get manifested. It’s important to look at the situation and factors involved in it in a holistic manner. There could be multiple reasons for this: Certain difficult experiences faced in life could lead to self-doubt and self-sabotaging behaviors. If you find yourself doing this, congratulations on noticing and being self-aware. The first step towards any change is acknowledging the problem and deciding that you no longer want to be in the same situation.
What if I am both the victim and perpetrator? Can it be real? I feel like I will be the one who will lead me to death…
It could be real. Both things can co-exist at the same time and can be true at the same time. If you are catching yourself being on both sides of the spectrum then it would be a good time to consider seeking professional help. A professional can help you identify factors that are leading to the situation being this way and can also help you with ways through which you can navigate through this. I hope it helps :)
I completely understand how you might be feeling right now. I’m very happy that you’re looking out for ways in which you can forgive yourself and trust yourself more. It shows how much you’re valuing yourself now.
The first step in this scenario could look like not being too hard on yourself for the way you’ve behaved with yourself in the past. Remember the version of you that existed then, did the best that it could. That version of yourself no longer resonates and wants to change now.
Maybe you could also write an apology letter to yourself. But make sure that you don’t blame yourself or be critical of yourself while doing so. The purpose of it is to let go of the guilt and empower yourself to trust yourself better.
I hope I was able to answer your question :)
One thing I want to say you are not respecting your gut feelings… because you don’t trust yourself enough . Build your self efficacy…so that you’ll trust your opinions. Try by doing small tasks like playing sports for 1 hour daily,complete that small task daily. Then after 2-3 months you are able to trust a little bit on your decision. It’s a long process but you have to start now onwards.
I have been gaslighted my whole life by my family. Everyone pretends I never got molested. If I ever talk about it I am a liar. I forgive them all I just can’t have them in my life. Fast forward to adulthood ended up in an abusive relationship getting gaslighted all the time. Went to court for a restraining order and the judge gaslighted me and said this was a custody thing not abuse all because I fleed to another state because of fear after the first order for denied.
I’m so so sorry that you had to go through so many difficult and unacceptable situations. Your experiences and feelings are completely valid and nobody is allowed to make you feel inferior. It is absolutely unfortunate that you had to prove to so many people about your difficult experiences. I’m sorry nobody validated your trauma. I’d also like to take this opportunity to showcase how courageous and strong you have been. Your grit and perseverance are truly commendable. I hope you’re supporting yourself well. Please take care of yourself. I wish you all the strength and love.
There’s this guy anonymously accepting he’s manipulating a girl and ruining her life. Can someone report him to the authorities @nowandme or do something about it?! I’ve been there and i know how much danger she must be me. I’d appreciate if someone can either get this dude help for his Narcissistic behaviour and abuse or just contact someone who can get the girl out of that situation.
P.s he’s getting helped by her friends he says, he’s manipulated them as well he says and has them in his pocket and makes them do things and make her life miserable and then go around to help her and act like he fixed something, that he himself is creating. @nowandme where to go from here how can we help this person who doesn’t even know she’s being abused.
Call the police report it even if it is anonymous. Noone deserves to get treated that way coming from someone who has been abused for so long by my ex and his friends I think you should speak up. You might save this girls life.
One of my co workers had an argument with, which turned ugly, she said things like you are a frustrated person and it must be something at home that you are adding that anger to work… All this has made me feel really bad , she has also spoken I’ll things about my work which were not true, what should be my reaction… Because I had an outburst… Don’t know how to handle this.