Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Fucking holidays. There’s no year I had a good time and everytime christmas eve, christmas and new year approaches I can’t help but be depressed beforehand of these events. Always something bad happens. In my family no one is christian, we do it just for “pass quality time as a family and create memories” yet I wish we didn’t… wish it was something it was left behind once I was not a child anymore and none of this was enthusiasming like it used to. It still hurts having to celebrate in a day where so much pain resurfaces. I don’t like parties already and thinking of being there having to pretend to have fun with my family is unbearable.
“Creating new joyful memories for these days”… I just don’t want to. Egoistically I want to avoid this, I feel obligated to give love I don’t have and receive it just to fade away the next day. Everything about this day still hurts!! I don’t want to think about these bad memories yet they only appear during these times and it sucks my energy… everything about this drains me whole