four years ago my dad decided he didn’t wanna see me anymore. from age 6-10 i was abused by my stepmom. living in silence. and i finally told my dad one day, despite the threats she gave me. and then he left. there are no words to describe how or why i feel the way i do. there’s no possible way to create a sentence that will make sense. i don’t have enough time to explain to every person the way i feel about life. is it worth living? who i am? i imagine the world without me. and i think about the differences it would’ve made if i wasn’t born. i can only think of good things. my mom would’ve gone to college. she could have a job that she wants. and a life she deserves. my dad would be happy without me. because either way. i don’t make a difference in his life. the more time i have to think and let my mind wander. the more i convince myself. i sit here and think how people would react if i did it. people would be sad. someone would call me weak. an attention seeker. some would use me as an excuse to get “tiktok famous”. but the point is, no matter how all of them feel at first, they have the same mindset at the end. they’d just forget. everyone keeps telling me that you control your happiness. you decide your fate. don’t hold onto the past. move on. and if that’s how they feel, then they’d surely get over me eventually. some would forget about me altogether. my dad managed to in 4 years. i see people being happy and confident. they’re known for certain personality traits. but i think about myself and realize i’m nobody. i depend on my friends to create my personalities. it changes depending on who i’m with. and then, i feel happy. i feel confident and i feel like i know who i am. but when i’m alone, i realize i’m nothing. there’s nothing special about me. i don’t bring a spark to the world. i don’t have big plans for the future. i don’t have something that makes me happy. creative. smile. i’m nothing. i know that in my future, i’m gonna lose friends. i probably won’t have a relationship. by the time i’m in my thirties, i’ll be alone. and empty. with no personality. carrying nothing but a broken heart and guilt. but i don’t have to feel like that. if i do it now. every single day i wake up with less and less motivation. i can name off more reasons to do it than the day before. it’s getting to the point that i’m not even scared. i think about the fasted way i could do it. i think about taking pills. i think about everything. i just wanna feel. i wanna feel happiness. or sadness. i wanna feel touch. and warmth and comfort. i want to feel wanted. i know people say they need me. but that’s the thing. they don’t have me in their life by choice. they NEED me. i want someone to meet and and help me find myself. and i want them to want me. the song wanted by hunter hayes. that’s what i want. i know it seems so selfish to wanna kill myself. but i think it’s for selfish to bring my sadness into other people’s lives. i think it would be selfish to have kids one day, and not be the best parent i can be because of my depression and my issues with my own mind. issues that stepmom and my father inflicted. the same issues that ruined me so much, that i don’t open up to anyone. the same issues that always make me go to guys who treat me like shit, because that’s normal to me. and the same issues that make me feel like a burden. i feel like such a burden that i can’t even talk about my feelings. i write them in my notes. because i have nobody. everyone says they’ll listen, but shannon and dad raised me to feel like a burden, and feel like my feelings aren’t valid. so i keep to myself. and i just think and think. and i’ve gotten so quiet. and my mom is noticing. but i’m just thinking. thinking about change. thinking about everything and everyone. thinking about ending it.
i think you should try to find peace.
join any NGO their are many problems in the world.
many people need help stand for them you will feel awesome. this will give you a reason to live
I don’t think it is possible for me to put into words how big of a tight hug I want to give you (perhaps you might not like it) but all I want you to know is, YOU matter. It may sound clichéd or even doubtful because I don’t even know you. But here’s the thing, all the things you spoke of, the feeling of being loved and loving someone in return, to have a family of your own, your own kids, it’s all going to happen if you let it. You won’t mess it up the way your biological parents did, trust me.
I heard “Wanted” again. And oh dear, what a beauty!
You need to know that the reasons your parents aren’t bothered about you, or whatever it might be, has NOTHING to do with you. No matter, who their child might’ve been, they just didn’t want it. And they have chosen to not care. But that’s on them, and not you. Every parent makes sacrifices, your parents aren’t the only ones missing out on things because of you. They’re just selfish and stuck in the past, and irresponsible. So, I’m sorry your childhood didn’t go the way it should’ve and that’s on them. Not on you. You live your life, you find your happiness, while you can. It will be worth it. Doesn’t seem like at the moment, but it will be beautiful, crazy and a 1000 other emotions that you’ll be so so so grateful for. You have to live for you, for your future, don’t give them the satisfaction.
Let life happen to you, away from your parents, away from the madness that holds you down and drowns you. You’ll FEEL, You’ll BREATHE, It’ll be GOOD, It will be ALL that you hoped for, I promise <3
I’m here if you wish to talk about your feelings, you don’t have to keep bottling them up inside. You don’t have to go through this alone. Fuck the fake friends, fuck the people who make you feel less than. You don’t know who you could be, and you don’t have to know that now. All you need to do is get through today, and to focus on your happiness today, and the todays will turn into beautiful tomorrows in no time. Just hold tight <3 <3 <3 <3
I dont think i can tell you how to be happy with yourself, and i also think it’d be unfair of me to disregard all you said and tell you that you matter if you feel like you don’t. What I do understand is that a big part of your pain came from people who were supposed to be your family, and i think you should remember that family are people that love you unconditionally, not people who abuse and mistreat you. Personally, i have my own problems with my parents but I found people that feel more like a family to me than my own mother and father. And it’s not a bad thing to feel happiness only arround your friends, you’re not worthless and you do have purpose. In fact a lot of people discover their sources of joy from being arround others.
I don’t know if what a random person on the internet has to say can help, but I do feel for you, not pity but I want you to be happy, I know you may feel like you can’t right now but I believe in you and I believe that you can survive this pain.
I would love to help you in any way I could.