First thought here ever. I’m not sure why I’m even doing this but here goes. I feel people suffer from much bigger problems so I shouldn’t complain. But I feel lonely. And I feel ashamed to admit it to my friends. Or family. I’m never the best person when it comes to maintaining friendships so I guess it’s really my fault right? I haven’t done anything wrong but I’ve just drifted. A small set of friends everywhere I go is what I’ve always had and I’ve drifted from most. I don’t know how to start being closer to all my friends because it’s not like how it used to be. And I don’t know if they care anymore either. We’re all on very good terms, they probably don’t know I have problems or FOMO but it’s not like the best of friendship. I want to make new friends but I’m not in a place where I can mingle and find so many atm. It’s just like I’m stuck. I want more close friends or I want to get closer with the friends I already have.
You know when I was reading this, I felt - “HAVE I WRITTEN THIS?”
So, I relate to this from start to end, trust me I do.
Firstly, I don’t think that problems can be quantified in terms of ‘big’ or ‘small’ as they’re pretty relative to everyone. So one person’s problems cannot be compared to someone else’s. If this is something that bothers you, then it does. Simple. You shouldn’t feel that you cannot complain about it just because someone else has it worse.
Secondly, I know what you mean. So this happens with me sometimes that all my friends post “I miss you” posts/stories with their other friends but never with me. Even though I’m their close friend too. That makes me thing that how did they develop such close friendships? How did they get this bond? But then it’s also because I don’t invest so much time into my friendships because I’m genuinely focused on my work and I can’t give them a lot of time. I am there for them all BUT I don’t give time. You get what I’m saying? Like I’m AVAILABLE for them whenever they need me. I also feel that I want to be closer to my friends or date someone or meet new people but then I realise that I really don’t have the time OR the emotional capacity to do so at this point in my life.
So I’ve come to accept it. That I’m going to focus on myself and my work for a few years and be available for my friends and im not going to feel guilty about it. Because the true ones will always be there.
Tell me about it! I would do ANYTHING for my friends and I’m always there for them. I meet my closest friends only once a year since I live away so that doesn’t help my situation. And like you mentioned, it’s when people post photos like that, or let’s say video call and say everyone’s here but you’re actually not and when you actually feel left out, it hurts. It’s not like they hate me but it doesn’t matter if I’m there or not. They can have fun without me and my absence doesn’t bother them. And they should have fun, I’m not jealous of that. I’m just disappointed in myself and my friends that I let this happen and I know I should probably be the first one to talk and fix it slowly but something always holds me back in just admitting this to my friends and taking the initiative.
Coming to your first point, I try to immerse myself in my work as well. Taking it as an opportunity to put my time and effort into self development and my career and education. But when I don’t feel I’ve accomplished much and start to wonder that oh I can work this much even when I have more friends, it makes me wonder why I distanced myself and drifted so much in the first place. All my friends have jobs and a great social life. I had a good job that challenged me and kept me busy but even then I missed them. I’ve read that in order to be successful, you need to be a boring person. Do things again and again, discipline and hard work. I’m trying to follow that and I feel lonely sometimes. It’s a feeling that just comes and goes but makes me wonder why I can’t and don’t want to fix it. I need to accept some things, make a choice and work on that probably.
I would say that don’t tell your friends about this but simply and SLOWLY start conversing with them again. I know you won’t go overboard because I’m sure you don’t have that in you (like me) as I can’t show efforts just for the sake of it. What I tried doing was texting my friends once in a while. For example, this one friend posted a story about how everyone leaves and all so I simply replied to that and spoke to her for 10 mins on text. That went a long way and she was very happy. These simple efforts make a difference. You don’t need to do big these, just these small little things every once in a while!
I’m also in the same situation. I first drifted away from my first group of friends, who were all girls, as a result of spending a lot of time with my boyfriend and his friends. I have now drifted from those friends too because I know that the girls don’t feel good about it and I am really scared that they think badly of me.
I’ve been in the same situation too. When I met my boyfriend, he was more social and I made friends with his friends. That was a new place for both of us and I just didn’t have time to make my own friends in a new place especially when I had a new and nice boyfriend AND I was a hardworking student. Now that it’s over, I don’t really have many friends from that phase who I can be really really comfortable with and talk on an everyday basis though my boyfriend is still a close friend and I can rely on him even now.
It just goes to show that i can’t make friends easily and I’m probably not the best friend because I don’t care too much (I do but it looks the other way round).
Heyy… you’ve written my story… I’m at the position rn. If you feel lonely then you should say it clearly. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. I’m also not the best person in maintaining relationships. I think that I fuck up every relationship I’m involved into or I get closer to. If you’ve some issues then just talk to them, hiding things from them like how you feel won’t help you. Try to talk to them patiently and clearly. If they are your trueee friends, they’ll definitely understand what’s bothering you. And if they do not care about your problems (I hope not) then it’s time to get away. That will be better.
But what if they’re my only close friends? I have lightly spoken to them about my FOMO since I’m the only one who lives away. Won’t I lose these friends if I walk away from this too? Won’t I feel lonelier? I’ve always felt that when I get new friends, this gap with my close old friends won’t bother my so much but this new friends situation never comes!
Thank you so much for all your replies, it makes me feel better that people actually care about this post and are taking their time to give their valuable inputs. Really appreciate it.
We’re here for you 💙❤️
If they are your only friends then you should definitely talk to them and try to make them understand what’s been bothering you. I’m damn sure they will understand if they are your real friends. And if they don’t then be the bigger person and let them go. Just remember you deserve the best. And if someone and something doesn’t make you feel good then you should move on. I hope you’re getting what I’m trying to say. I wish you the best. If anything goes wrong. You can always talk about it here. I’m willing to understand. 😊