Feeling stressed with this semester. Used to have a lot of energy when I first started but I've given up now. I hate my groupmate because he's my ex-friend's boyfriend. His presence infuriates me. Why the hell does he need to be in the same group in me? There are other groups for him to sign himself up. Heck, he could even be in the same group as his girlfriend. I can't act like how I wanted to because I feel like he's watching my interaction and he reminds me of my ex-friend. 

Thank you for the advice. I'd try my best. It just exactly what I need right now. 

Let him be.. if yu dont like him and if he is watching you i will give yu an idea to irritate him.. just be the best at what you do.. show you are happy, strong and proud and really good at what you do it will automatically irritate him and make him jealous. People who try to irritate us get irritated by seeing us succeed

Friends

I know it’s toxic but, Am I the only one who tends to create fake scenarios in my head that will probably never happen? Whether it’s concerning relationships, life, etc etc. 
Mainly all of these scenarios comes from the “what ifs” I have in mind. And I tend to think of these scenarios in a negative manner... I honestly have no idea why I abuse myself mentally and emotionally  

Mental Health

My friends don't like dating so they are breaking friendship with me because I am dating from 2 years. I didnt know they will judge me just because I am dating. they have mindset that people should not date. 

Adulting

I feel like I don’t want to hang out with my friends anymore. I feel tired of them. I have felt that I am getting annoyed with them but I never tell them cause I don’t want to be mean. 

It's so difficult to me to maintain friendships, it makes me wonder how I will do in the future with more serious relationships.
I can form connections. I can go and make friends if I want to, socialize and communicate with a group or a community (with a single person is more difficult and I'm still working on getting better in that aspect yet...).
My only problem is maintaining them and my feelings along the way. In real life happened, but in social media occurs all the time. And the worse of all is I don't know how to feel about this... sometimes it feels wrong, I don't want this to keep happening, yet my actions say otherwise. I encountered a variation of people throghout the short period of life I'm living and I'm sure I will find many different ones, and when I make a connection of some sort, I feel obligated to put effort in maintaining them; I don't want to. Of course every friendship needs effort to make it work, if one wants to be comprehended we need to communicate about ourselves and all that... I just don't feel like it. And it's so selfish from my part, because if I need to talk to someone in a specific moment I go and talk to them but when they do the same (or just want to talk to me in general) I always respond late or make blockages of some sort.
This sounds so wrong. I know what actions I make and what consequences they lead, but the feeling that comes with doing them is stronger than my rational thinking. The constant ignoring, cut off talks, make up excuses, showing lack of interest... sadly just now it starts to sink in even if I was aware of them long time ago.
I want to blame to the way I was raised and how I'm ashamed of showing who I am and showing all kinds of affect towards others, how my inability to show my emotions due to fear of judgement and lack of understanding from others makes me incapable of putting all of me into a connection; making everyone meaningless to me. Also the fact that is difficult to form connections if we're just communicating by internet. 
But obviously, majority of this is a me problem and I won't deny I am at fault. Recognizing the problem is the first step and is good I'm aware. Bad is that I'm not treating it, and that means I'm not taking care of myself good enough.
I noticed my patterns when it comes to join a new community (specially on internet). Everytime someone wants to know me more deeply, I either 1. Walk away (which I have rights to do so if I don't like the person or they're neutral to me but bad if I was really interesed in being friends) 2. Let them, then I leave them into nothingness due to all thr causes I said before. And the cycle repeats itself.
Now that I'm doing a project I'm passionate about, I need to communicate to my partners and the larger community I'm in. Which is fine, I enjoy it and I decided to stay since I'm happy about it. However, it came to the inevitable phase of "we spend a lot of time together time to get know each other deeply" and it's... uncomfortable. I don't want this. I didn't want something more than a surface level. But it's inevitable, and I'm scared. Scared of how I might react, how they will treat me if I fuck up. I don't want this project to go to waste and I want to stop generating them negative emotions, hurting people. And it's so, so difficult. Because I'm so used to loneliness and my own independence, even if I depend in some things I rarely depend and let others in when it comes to my emotional side. I don't even know how my caring side is, since when I do it it feels fake to me it's uncomfortable. And I'm so sorry for the people I left behind without an explanation, for those who I abandoned, didn't give them enough care... I lost them all and even if I appreciate the lesson (or if these people were kinda shitty for my life) I feel the regret and I can't help but feel sorry. It's difficult, super difficult to control something I don't even know what it is... it's a foggy confusion and actions with zero feelings.
I don't know if I'm making sense now. Just a rambling numb dumb text, since that's how I feel most of the time when I'm talking to others. It isn't supposed to make myself feel understood even when at times I crave that. I'm putting my thoughts and feeling into place and trying to figuring out where I go.
I will try, I will try even harder to know how to heal this aspect of myself properly and taking care of others better as I go. It's a mess right now but it's never too late and I believe in myself and the fact that I can find motivation to keep going, like I always been able to get myself of off the ground many times.

We had a group of 5 ... Things happen and it subdivided into of 3 and 2 people... I was among the 3 .... Used to give my extra efforts ,used to provide notes , used to wake them up for classes even though my room was on different floor everyday I used to go there to check upon them even if someday I wasn't in mood to do so... Used to go ,wake them up ,wait them to get ready before morning class... And one day they just left without me ... I realized that I was the one who was over doing things for them ... When I backed out the friendship between we 3 broke ... Now I am the only one left alone  ... Just because I can't pretend to be chill when I am pissed of ... It's been 3 months I haven't talked to them... Should I just forget and forgive and talk to them again because only 1 and a half year of college is left now

I understand adult friendships can be complicated...but for once I fucking want someone to be there for me when I hit my deepest darkest end...want someone to check on me when I m at my lowest is that too much to ask for...
I m tired of being the good friend for everyone I m tired of this life I m tired of ppl
I want a new life...I wanna start over everything from zero for fucks sake I wanna be a kiddo again...be coz this isn't working anymore

3am Thoughts

Isn’t it weird that you can have friends, but also have no friends at the same time?

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts