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aharts @aharts

Family is a word that is lost on me.

My father, by no means a da SA’d both me and my sister. I felt guilty for 16 years until i told my mother about this, as he denied everything through a phone call confrontation as his pathetic and cowardly worm hid in another state amongst relatives who denied my truths.
I am no longer in contact with that side of the family, as they choose to ignore and deny my existence.

My mother took care of myself, my older brother, and my 2 younger siblings at this time as his cowardly POS of course was divorcing my mother. He was also a cheater and you guessed it…was also dishonorably discharged from the army. We were all living in an army base at the time and were swiftly booted with no other place to go but a place I still refuse to call home till this day. Ironically I still abide here and find it hard to leave feeling trapped…

But I feel this tale is about my brother…who ironically joined the army, and bears close resemblance to my father but not his name. Ironically my oldest brother bares his name but has no likenesses to his evil father.

My mother took on us 4 as a single mother and worked and could not even get merely food stamps OR (having a brain fart that money the baby daddy is supposed to give you) or any help from the government. Yet, as I’ve come to understand and appreciate now she poured blood and sweat to make sure we had what we needed.

Now I struggled in a relationship as a teen with my mother. Sometimes I couldn’t understand why she seemed so cold and didn’t understand my emotional traumas, and my silent and isolated ways. I merely told her what I went through at age 16, years after that abuse from my father, but sow. Damages were already done and still affected me, but I can’t let him win as I feel I still have sometimes every time I fail. I still feel guilty for the fights we’ve had but angry at the miscommunications and misunderstandings that she’s had and we’ve had between us definitely has made me an angry person, but someone who merely seems to understand the world and what my places lay in it…

But even so as guilty as I felt and as lonely as I’ve felt in it I believed that one of use would try to make my mother happy. She struggled and I saw bits and pieces of the struggle but she was hard to work through at times and only admits these things now as an adult. I don’t know if she was just too good at being it that my siblings and I didn’t see but she struggled now and shares her struggles with me as have a better connection these days.

My younger brother is deployed in the middle east, and is a helpful young person. Maybe even too much at the Dismay of my mother.
He is a very secretive person. I would worry about him sometimes as I grew up sometimes. This may be hard to understand but these days even me and my siblings aren’t close through all that trauma we are farther apart not closer, And maybe so much so that my brother who lives overseas, has co-signed on a house with his “friend” a girl who he only considers a “friend” to. Live in WITH HER FAMILY. Did he really find it so unbearable and to separate from what little we do have, to buy another family a house and leave his mother to still heaven struggle under the roof of a callous witch so called landlord. It breaks my heart. The path that has led me to eat I am is somewhat the fault of my own but definitely has much to do with the actions and horrors of my father. He really fucked us literally and figuratively.

I am so tired of the bullshit that my family has gone through and continues to go through esp my mom who has had to be the glue to fix all this shit just to be treated like such. I swear if there is a God in heaven he’s not looking out for us he merely points and laughs and I refuse to pay retribution to a tyrant like that. Why must we suffer so…why does my mom’s torment never end…it hurts me so much my chest hurts and I don’t think I can make it as she’s the only one I have at my age of 29 I just can’t think about it…

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