Everyone needs someone in their life to push them in order to reach that place. May that someone be you in your own life. 

Compassion

Constantly being sad, unmotivated, emotionally drained,anxious is very hard for me. Usually I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to talk about what’s bothering me and venting to somebody, but sometimes like for the past couple of months I really wanted to talk to someone. Like really talk.

I’m a civil engineering student and currently that’s making my life extremely stressful, unbearable in some ways. I feel like I’m losing my mind and will to live and if i was given a chance to die i would take it, because for me, suicide is something I can’t imagine doing. But like I sad, I’m under a lot of stress and since I’m depressed I find it hard to do any kind of work, it’s actually takes a great kind of effort to do anything, but my anxiety is making me think about failure and how bad I would feel about it. And still, no motivation.

Because of that I first decided to try to talk to my family, my mother to be precise. I didn’t openly say that I’m depressed and all of that, but I did say that I’m extremely stressed out, tired and sad. That i find it hard to get out of bed and the only response I got was her laughing in my face and telling me to stop saying such bullshit. So I apologised (like I usually do for feeling unwell) and never mentioned my sadness again. Since than, my depression worsened and I messed up my sleep schedule terribly, firstly I can’t fall asleep (usually i lay in my bed for 30 minutes up to couple of hours until I fall asleep) but when I finally do I can’t seem to wake up, and when I do, I only feel tired again and it’s and never ending cycle.

Also, for at least 7 years my friends never cared about my feelings. When I tried expressing how I feel they would always start talking about them selves, like what I just said doesn’t matter. So I stopped saying how i feel. Now I’m always good,fine and okay. Which is bothering me so much. I thought that if i was there for them, during their hard times that they would be there for me too, but I guess i was wrong...

Today I tried once again. I was trying to study for upcoming test (which was very hard since my concentration is nonexistent lately) and I felt this heavy feeling of sadness and stress (not like usual,I sort of felt like someone was pushing me with all the force in world, I felt really uncomfortable), and I was on verge to cry. But at the same time this emptiness was all over me, I felt numb. Like i said I tried again, I contacted one of my ‘’closer’’ friends, trying to explain how I’m feeling (how stressed,and sad I am, how I lost will to get out of bed,to actually do anyting) and once again they laughed and told me to stop saying such things, it was sort of like ‘’you can’t feel like that,why would you even say that’’. And that messed with my mind even more. I was overthinking a lot before, but right know I feel like my mind is racing.

I feel like everyone takes my emotions and feelings like a joke. Like I’m not allowed to feel like that and it hurt so much knowing that people that should be there for me, the ones that I’m the closest with (family,friends) don’t take me seriously. I think that they think I’m joking and over exaggerating, when the only thing I want I someone to listen to me and hug me and be there for me.

I’m considering going to a therapist, but I also sort of have a social anxiety and I don’t want to go alone, but at the same time I don’t want to tell anybody because like i stated, It seems like I’m not taken seriously so i fear that they would make fun of me, or think that I’m crazy. And it also hurts that having mental problems is ruining my life, my self care and my perception on life, but I don’t have a single soul I could give all my trust to (that’s also one of big problem I’m fighting with,people screwed me over so many times because of my kindness,which is very sad). One of my friends recently confessed to me that he thinks that he never saw me actually happy, which broke my heart, since I really forgot what real happines felt like.

I also apologise if my English isn’t precise since it’s not my first language.

Depression

😃

3am Thoughts

Anyone up for a talk

Anyone feel like talking? Maybe start a friendship? (I don’t mind between 12-19)

Friends

I am going to continue my venting today...so bear with me...Today I want to talk about my family...
My mom had actually ran away from her home to marry my father, since my grandparents were against it, my mother had 4 big brothers and 1 younger sister. After a year running away from home, my mom gave birth to me..my mom was 20 or 19...after my birth I was raised in my father's sister house, when I turned 3 or 4, they accepted my mother and father, after that we moved to another city, In my father side they used to stay as a big joint family, so when I start growing up my mom most of the lines are "you can't even cook a dish, after you get married how will you feed your-in laws, they will tell I didn't teach you any manner, I will be ashamed!!" I was always thinking why would mommy think like that I willl get married so soon, why do I have to do all the chores....My mom had a very strange sickness....if she drink something cold or stay in water for a long time, she will get cough, sneezes, and headache...it been always like this as I remember I didn't wanted my mom to suffer so did the chores, first I was a bit angry like...since I was a child I thought, why do I have to do all the chores....but because of her condition getting worse I took all the chores, but I couldn't do laundry...we didn't have a washing machine..so we had to do it with hands, I was small so I could do it well, my mom used to do it....I always felt bad about it and used to tell her, in the future we can have a washing machine so she doesn't have to do it...many times she would told me since I am a girl you have to know all the household chores, you should know how to cook, be well mannered, you have to speak up..you have to talk,you can't keep up your rude attitude in your husband house, you have to serve your laws...you have to be considerate, you have to go on gathering and all...... because of many incident in my childhood I was an introvert, some I had already told before...some... were, I getting locked outside and no one opening the gate, it was a big gate, since we stayed in a rent....I getting threaten by a girl younger than me by knife...and again me getting locked inside a old storeroom by mistake...no one wanting to play with me....since I was a very bad girl??...after that I end up not playing with anyone anymore... most of my memories are about bad things only...I guess it since most people Focus on bad things rather than good things..As for my father...I never talked to him very much, he was good to me but once I was small I somehow offended him and he beat me very badly, it left a shadow on me so whenever he was around I would feel fear, and most of time I would avoid him, after that incident it was more worse... 
Well, my mother is a very religious person....in our family tradition we will have our fortune told by our elders...in my case he said that I will have many problems in my studies, I will marry someone I love, I will be rich and so on....the matter about my study,I think my mom got a bit worried that I would be a fool so she would always teach me strictly....looking back.. whenever I look at my report cards, none of it had below 70%, even in nursery i had above 70%...I know some children are intelligent..but in my memories I remember not able to understand anything...I just was like if I write the same things I will get goods marks and if I get good marks mommy will be happy, I had no ideas of the concept or anything.... because of it I was very poor in maths...at some point I remember not getting in the top three in my class, she was so angry and disappointed, I felt very sad...so now even if I had grown up I have to make sure my grades don't go below 70%. my mom. My mom is obessed with her beauty she always says we should be greatful that by giving birth to us, we had obtained half of her beauty that why she is a ugly now. she would always wanted me to be perfect, she always said that we will blame her (me and my sister), that we will leave her alone... abandoned her, when we try to argue  with her she will definitely say" you will blame me in the future". She always says that I have to tell her if I someone confessed to me or if I like someone.i think she really regret marrying my father but doesn't admit it...and she doesn't want me to end up like her... it always felt like through me she want to relive the lives she had lost.one time she said "study well and do a good job, earn many money, you wouldn't want to end up like me... someone who can only depend her partner to make a life" As the time passed by I felt a pressure in heart, my mom health would go bad sometimes...I would always massage her to help her relief from headaches...I would try my best in everything but still would be unable to satisfy her....I always like to be praised by her, I would try by best but it would still be not enough. It been fews years that she started having very bad temper... apparently my grandparents would want a son since we are both daughters...they even suggested my father to marry other woman...she been very angry...and sad. I am sure if she knew what father did to me she would be really be frustrated, she would say sorry to me many times, then she would end up divorcing him and our family will fall apart, I don't want that that why,I want to disappear silently and peacefully, I want to make her happy..by giving her anything she want, by not telling her the bitter experience I had, just keeping her in the beautiful lie if a good family..it make me feel very helpless thou... sometimes she would say to me "it would be good if you was a boy" and I always say " Yeh, I wish too"





Family

I am feeling frustrated by the thoughts of arranged marriage. This is a daily conversation at my house. I have been through a lot of trauma and heartbreaks and I really don't want to fall into this thing right now. I am getting anxiety whenever they are talking about marriage and stuff and sometimes I also have thoughts of ending myself...pls help

How do I move on from someone I have to maintain contact with since we are in the same workplace? There's no immediate way for me to switch teams or places, so I've to be in touch, but I want to move on. We dated briefly, but I developed intense feelings only to realize later that we're extremely incompatible and that I was always the only one who ended up putting in the effort. Anyway, I'm finding it hard to get over those feelings of love, care, and affection. What do I do? Anyone has any tips and tricks that actually work? 

P.S. No, I cannot travel at these times, and I live with my parents for now. 

Breakup

Actually I love a girl and hee not want to stay with mee what can I do on it 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts