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LonelyThought

Profile picture for Now&Me member @leelia

Lia @leelia

Everyday i have more and more of what i’ve always wanted however i’m not happy, cause my biggest problem is nothing more than myself, the things about me that i hate, i can’t change and I can’t accept.
And I constantly feel lonely despite having people around because although they’re there i’m not really, like i always keep everything to myself and i never tell them anything so i’m never really being myself when i’m with them, which is what leaves me with the feeling that they’re not really there but the reality is that it’s me who isn’t there. when something happens and i have no one to tell,when i’m crying alone in my room longing for someone to comfort me and i have no one to call it’s when i think, wow i really am lonely, but i can’t blame anyone cuz i know some people would be there for me if they knew i’m in need, they just don’t cause i never let them know. I’m not alone but i’m completely lonely. I could use a bit of help but i also have to much pride to allow that, so although i know it’s better to be held than holding on, here i am drowning by myself.
Because i have this habit of always keeping everything to myself, im always hurting but i feel like there’s nothing i can do about it because im scared that letting go of that would only bring me more pain and make things worst, It’s like I’m suffering because of a wound that hides a thorn inside, in order to let the wound heal I should pull out the thorn, right? But what if that thorn it’s what’s stopping the blood from falling? Then I’d rather endure the pain than to bleed to death. I’ve always had the habit of avoiding all my problems, trying to always hide everything and convince myself that everything it’s alright instead of facing it because I’m really scared, I’m just so scared of the consequences. At first I thought that it was only bc I was afraid of what others would think but then I realized that even if others thought no different of myself, I would be the one who would never forgive me, Idk why but I made certain standard for myself, I defined who I was even when I knew I couldn’t always be that way, and because of that I’m scared to face my real self, the me that I hate, and even more scared for others to see,and because I hate certain parts of me as much as they might, I can’t say anything so all I do is to stay there nodding at everything they say and although that might trick my brain into thinking they’re right, something inside of me just doesn’t feel right. I just don’t know what to do, actually I do know, but I just don’t know how and I don’t feel capable of it, and that makes me worry that I might stay like this forever and just regret everything later on. Also im scared of the day i won’t be able to hold on anymore and ill just end up breaking apart, i already am, everyday more and more and i just wish i could be happy, i feel guilty cause everything else around me seems to be going well (if it weren’t for covid) but im not okay, but i could be and it makes me upset that im still like this after all this time, i live in a constant cycle that i can’t seem to get out, i thought time would heal everything and things would start to fall back into place, but it’s really been a long time and time can’t be rewind, what’s lost can be found back, but when time is lost there’s no turning back, and when i think about how in those beautifly beautiful memories i was in pain, it hurts cause i should’ve been happy, i had it all but i couldn’t see it beacuse of my stupid way of thinking, and because that hasn’t change that much since back then im scared ill fall for the same mistakes again and only realize the value of a moment when it has already become a memorie, then i’ll just regret everything again just like im doing now, i’ll desperatly want to go back in time and because i can’t i’ll live relaying on the past to feel happy again, just like im doing now. It’s like a constant cycle, I live in the future thinking of my possibilities to get out of my dark reality and then when that future becomes present I make the same mistakes again, waste it and then i’m back looking at the past to remicense on my last traces of happiness, and to allow myself to be happy for what i should’ve been. I don’t know if i’m explaining myself, i just have a lot in mind and idrk how to put it in words.

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Profile picture for Now&Me member @skybroker
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Profile picture for Now&Me member @leelia
Profile picture for Now&Me member @pacifier2819
8 replies
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Anonymous

Hey if you don’t mind can I be one to hear you or can I be one you can actually call as friend??

Profile picture for Now&Me member @leelia

Lia @leelia

Hii thank you so much for listening to me and offering to be my friend i really appreciate it💖, I’ve only had a few actual friends in my life since its hard for me to open up to people + im kind of complicated and i know it can be hard sometimes to be my friend since not many understand me. Of couse i would like you to be someone i can call a friend since i don’t really have anyone like that rn. Again thank you for taking the time to read this.😊💕

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Anonymous

Hey sorry for the late, you still awake?

Profile picture for Now&Me member @skybroker

Akash Dalal @skybroker

Wow you have really being a good person and a honest one too. :)
You are going though through a difficult time and i m sorry that i cannot help you but all i can do is hear you out and make you feel comfortable for time being. :)

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Anonymous

Dear why do you feel this way?? Try to start giving your importance understand your self worth. You are yourself more than a magic of life. Love yourself. Feel free to share. Talk to people. Don’t demoralise yourself. You can share with me your thoughts and feelings how you feel. Don’t feel alone. We have a treasure within ourself. We can conquer the world attain great things in life. Just believe in yourself my friend

Profile picture for Now&Me member @leelia

Lia @leelia

thank you so much for your kind words!, I know i shouldn’t be like this with myself but i just can’t help it, for some reason i’ve always been like this, I’ve always wanted to be the perfect girl, the perfect daughter but i’ve always faild in the attempt.
Always showing others how confident i was, how much i didn’t care about others, how much i loved myself,how good at everything i was, how happy i was, i wanted them to see me as perfect as i also tried to convinced myself of it, but things where never they way i pictured them to be, things never came out the way i wanted them too and that killed me, i couldn’t accept that, idk what made me like this. I’m slowly becoming everything i once swore i’d never be. At first i thought, when did i loose myself like this? but was i ever myself in the first place? or did i just hide under that persona i had created. I was never that confident, i have always cared way too much of what other’s thought of me and i’ve been through a lot I was just really good at hiding it and i still am but the girl everyone knows as me it’s so diffrent from who i truly am and i hate that. I was always that kid who talked down on others using words only reflecting her own insecurities, i was a perfect exaple of that kind of person, I acted all tough as if i had no heart and i couldn’t care less but honestly i’ve always been extremely sensitive and really easily hurt, I used the excuse of hating everyone as the reason why i don’t have many friends but that was never like that, i pretend i don’t care whenever i get less than an A on an exam but then when i go home all i do is cry and beat myself for it, and it’s not even like i care about school i just feel emberassed about not being the best and i feel like a disappointment to everone who once belived in me, cause i can’t even do that. I can’t even be the best at something im good at in a 50 people class, i have way too much pride and i turn everything into a competition, seeing other people happier than me and doing better than me can’t make me happy, well except for one person whom i love so much that words could never express although i wish i had never felt this way, but that’s another story… The thing is that i just make life way harder for myself than it should be, i feel bad about myself but i can’t help it, i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to accept myself and if i’ll even be able to admit the things that i can’t.
( sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, english isn’t my first language i have dyslexia, it’s 2am and im almost falling asleep as im writing this so who knows what i just wrote lol)

Profile picture for Now&Me member @pacifier2819

life saviour @pacifier281...

It’s okay to feel bad sometimes and it’s completely normal to do grammatical mistakes lol
First thing self acceptance is really very vital in life otherwise u can’t survive thod world. And second thing is do things for yourself not to impress or show anyone. Because at the end its our life and we are only responsible how we live it.
I am budding psychologist and counselor so if you like you can take my help. I will help you out don’t worry. It would be a pleasure for me if I am able to bring a smile on someone’s face. Feel free to share.

Phoenix @mdaarizamaan

I’m on the moon right now
, to find someone EXACT COPY of ME, i might be a bit ahead of you in conclusions you drawn from your thoughts, ITS TOO LATE, I’M DEFINITELY gonna answer tomorrow,.

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