Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Every cycle comes to an end, but the pain of the unavoidable end doesn’t hurt. At least not as much as it hurts to know that moving on to another phase in my life means leaving you behind, not that I want to but is almost a defined fact that soon enough you will be just a memory, a familiar name from those good old days.
Maybe it’s for the best, maybe it means it’s finally time to leave behind all the unresolved feelings that your name evokes deep inside me.
But it still hurts.
And I’m not even sure why.
Maybe because I love you, or have loved you somewhere along all this years. I don’t know for sure.
Maybe because no matter how much things changed you were always there, a strangely stable presence for a somewhat weak relationship.
But it hurts especially because of all the times I failed to leave you behind in the past, even though I always knew it was for the best.
Nothing lasts forever so how could I expect us to? But you were there, and every step I took hoping to get away I always ended up closer to you.
I don’t even know what you are to me, especially because I have no idea what I am to you.
And even if I try to hide it, I still hope you know that you occupy a big space in my heart, and I truly hope that there’s a space for me in yours.
Above all the biggest pain comes from knowing that in ten or some years, I may hear your name, and it may even sound familiar, but I may also not. And then we wont be friend, colleagues or god knows what, we will be strangers.
And then I will finally have let you go.
Even if it hurts.
Even if it breaks my heart.
Even if you never find out (either because I never understood or because I never told you) how much you mean to me.
And that’s why I need to let you go.
Because my head can’t be forever hung up on what we could have been if I had at least gathered up the courage to tell you.
But I didn’t, and I am still deeply attached to you.
Because no matter what ups and downs we might have had, I will be forever grateful to have had you by my side for so long.
And I hope someday I can tell you all of this.
I also hope we can have a proper goodbye, because hopefully the pain of leaving you will hurt a little less if I have the conscience that I at least said goodbye.