Ever felt like screaming but couldn't so you just lay there and stare into the abyss

Not only screaming but crying loudly also...had to clasp my mouth with my hands so other's won't know

3am Thoughts

its been a while since i wrote anything in here....
its been a year since "kind of depression episode"
its not like... I'm not depressed anymore... i just don't know what I'm feeling right now
Is that a bad thing? honestly idk, at least I'm not sad 
I realised that my episode kind of stopped when i started go to school back.. ig school is not all that bad cuz at least i have something to focus and be stressed on that be sad all day or thinking bout ending my life, which i wont cuz i realise i will miss a lot of things, and i don't want that...
i actually need someone to talk to... like someone my age, my gender, n maybe i can stop existing and start living


Life

Is there any one who is suffering from OCD? I need help because a OCD person can Better understand the other OCD person.

Mental Health

I am tried
I am tired of not being able to trust people
I am tired of not having a social circle
I am tired of always being around family problems
I am tired of being misunderstood
I am tired of not being able to be authentic
I am tired of people going behind my back(even when they think they're doing it for me and it's for best)
I am tried of being anxious
I am tired of my trembling body when parents fight
I am frustrated and angry to change everything
I am exhausted of the same toxic environment which was somehow created by me 
I wanted to take the easy route to end myself but i couldn't
I want to live 
I want to have happy life 
I want be authentic to my friends
I want to be loved for being myself
I don't want to be influenced by my surroundings
I don't want to be insecure
I don't want to do things for the sake for approval
I want share things
I want to have a lover 
I want to be laughing mindlessly with friends all day 
I want it 🥺


Frustration

I have OCD with intrusive thoughts… I took therapy for the same and it has been a while … I thought I would understand what I am going through without the help of a therapist for some time. And today .. My ocd was related to compulsive masturbation and feeling guilty about it later … But today I thought of dealing with it differently. Usually I get soo stressed about my life and started it as an escape and then one day it became a compulsion to an extent that every minor inconvenience I face in life I would do it. And I was soo dependent on it for sometime. But through therapy I started to understand why I have this OCD in the first place . So cutting to today  what happened was I convinced my mind not to worry after the deed is done and instead I would enjoy myself without feeling bad about it and at the same time I would dit and deal with my problem peacefully… cause problems never stop . And at the same time I cant ruin masturbation for myself. Like I cant associate doing it as a taboo. So I hope this approach works . Today it kinda worked… I have little guilt and I cooked my favourite food after that instead of studying. Thats ADHD … 🥹

I feel like I'm getting distant, from my family. I don't want to be insensitive, I don't want to drive myself away, but I like spending time alone, I like to think alone and be with myself. My parents miss me. When I spend time with them, it's chill for some time but then it starts making me a bit uncomfortable because our views do not align. I don't know what to do, I feel really bad. 

Relationships

i am very very messed up with my ocd

Anxiety

Do you also feel that there is no point in sharing your “feelings” or current state of mind with others? I kind of put on my dark stuff or nothing matters mood on a random guy. It was just a moment of emotion. I do this from time to time. Something strange. And then I don’t feel related to whatever I said or did. Sometimes it can be fun like okay what would I do hmm. But at the same time my main question why would u do this why would u say this why are u like this whyyyy to myself?? 
I imagine explaining myself to him. I would actually write him in a short way like I didn’t mean to forget about it (but he already blocked me ahah😂). So now I’m trying to analyze why I keep thinking about this situation for longer than I should: 1) I’m bothered my someone’s opinion of me; 2) I’m bored and have nothing exciting in my life so I just get attached to something empty and make some sort of a big deal out of it. I actually do not communicate with anyone recently. I isolated myself from this world and now sometimes I randomly give these bursts of chaos(( I don’t know about idea of me and others opinion. I guess… but I just in general take this communication and sharing sometimes with doubt. I mean I shared with him but it didn’t make sense as it was just part of me that comes and goes and what I don’t like actually about this whole situation is that it’s only one part of me and here for someone this part becomes who I am. I feel very different emotions, tastes, thoughts and levels in myself and I can’t express them all at the same time of course so the best what I can do: support a general human introduction to each other, don’t give in to vivid emotions and expressions because I mostly regret about it after. And once you already communicate with person you can show deeper moments. I guess it would be a more balanced version. There is more that I will write it down in further posts. 

Overthinking

Your sense of belonging means nothing in the face of absolute scale of the space-time.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts