Thought

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Now&Me @nowandme

Entering into romantic relationships and sustaining these ties, although beautiful, may turn out to be challenging in the current times. Another challenge comes with the need of understanding our own ‘self’ within a relationship. Today we have Sanchi Sharma, a counselling psychologist on board with us to answer all your questions under the theme of ’Navigating relationships- Heartthrobs and Heartaches’ 💖💔

About Sanchi Sharma (She/Her)-

Sanchi Sharma is a counselling psychologist with her practice based in Delhi. She completed her Masters of Arts in Psychology with a specialization in Psychosocial studies. She believes that the therapeutic alliance founded between the therapist and client is an essential component in gaining insights and progress in therapy. At the same time, as an ode to her psychosocial training, it is of utmost importance that her practice stays rooted in the reality of its cultural context. She has worked with several different organizations as a mental health counsellor, intern, volunteer and content writer and an active member of the field for several years. In all her years as a psychology student and practitioner, the most valuable lesson that she’s learnt is that therapy should be accessible to all. She’s now on the journey to try and make that a reality.

Feel free to ask her any and all questions aligning with the theme without a smidge of hesitation!

Remember that asking questions shows strength, not weakness. 🤗💐
🧡 Ask away and stay informed! 🧡

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Profile picture for Now&Me member @turtle09
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44 replies
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Anonymous

How to ask questions to her
Like how to connet…??

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Now&Me @nowandme

You can ask all of the questions here in the comment section 🌻📝

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Anonymous

So I have to write all my story in this comment section

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Now&Me @nowandme

You can ask all the questions you have connected to this theme (with the choice of using the anonymous feature) in the comment section of this post and they’ll be answered by Sanchi Sharma 🤗🧡

Basha @salyg

Hi

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Now&Me @nowandme

Hey! 🌻
Feel free to ask any questions here 📝😄

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Anonymous

How do you know if he/she is the perfect one for you? There were times when I fell for the people who turned out not compatible but I ended up loving them and they left me as if I didn’t matter to them. How do I not hurt myself ever again?

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Turtle @turtle09

+1

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

Hi. When we talk about knowing whether our significant other is the perfect one for us I believe we can set ourselves for failure. Even someone who seems the most perfect at first will eventually reveal flaws, sending one into self-doubt. One of the most important factors in forming a successful relationship is how a couple interacts. In the long run it is about how you communicate with one another, how well you get along, and how you move through time together. Look for a partner whose kindness and ways of being in the world motivate you to improve yourself. Choose someone who brings out and strengthens parts of you that you may not be aware of. Someone you feel helps you grow, learn. Someone who makes your world and life feel more expansive, richer, and meaningful.
It is unfortunate that you’ve had challenging experiences with relationships.Loss can sometimes be inevitable in our search however it’s sometimes a choice between getting out and losing less, or staying invested and risking a bigger loss. It is difficult to lead life without ever getting hurt, however it is from this hurt that we can learn where it is we require to draw our boundaries. What floats and what doesn’t. What do you find acceptable in your partner’s behaviour towards you? Lastly, compatibility does not exist in a vacuum, you can be compatible with anyone-friends, siblings. In relationships compatibility needs to be worked on which comes with viewing each other equally and with respect.
Importantly, don’t let fear guide you in a search for a partner, the fear of being single or alone or never finding the right one. Do not feel rushed to find a perfect relationship or to settle down.
I hope this helps!

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Anonymous

Thank you so much for this detailed answer. You are awesome! @Nowandme you guys too! Keep doing such activities.

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Now&Me @nowandme

Absolutely! It’s a promise 🤝

Nikita @gari

Is it fine to reach out to your ex to ask him the reasons why he said those mean things to me when I instead of maintaining distance just sent him the video that I made for him as the last gift but he got agitated and after doing a mutual breakup because of religious differences…but he was still not accepting to let me go…even when there is no future!!! So should I reach out or refrain myself from getting into more trouble??

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Anonymous

+1 Same question for her.

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Anonymous

More or less

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Anonymous

+1

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

If there was a break up on mutual grounds and you both fail to see a future together then it is best for both of you to respect that decision and stick to it.
Reaching out to an ex can lead to strong emotions given the context and one can feel flooded emotionally. So, Before reaching out to an ex to talk, think about the effect that contact will have on both you and your ex.
When we seek closure and reach out to an ex wanting an explanation/answers/reasons, it is important to consider that there is a good chance you may not hear the answer you want to hear. Additionally, after a certain point one has to seek closure with the relationship within themselves as well: to accept that the relationship for whatever reason is indeed over.
If your ex won’t let you go even if you are both aware that it is for the best, it is important to lay firm boundaries and make it clear that the relationship is over. Waffling back and forth will lead to a stressful and upsetting cycle of false hope, mutually agreeing to unfollow and no contact with each other for as long as it seems fit is a fair option as well.
After a break up, it is important that we give ourselves time. You are allowed to mourn the relationship you once had and give yourself space.

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Anonymous

How to stop making your relationship the centre of your life?i mean stop being too available

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Anonymous

Same question

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Anonymous

same question

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

I think quite simply put, know that your romantic relationships are just one part of your life/who you are. There are many components that make us who we are and being in a romantic relationship is just a slice of the pie.
It is crucial that we continue to pursue our goals and hold space for ourselves. Continue to pursue activities and hobbies which you enjoy; avoid the temptation to give up something you enjoy in order to find something you both can do together. Find a good balance between pursuing hobbies you like and spending time with your s/o.
Yes, it’s critical to integrate your significant other into your social circle and introduce them to the people that matter in your life, but it’s also critical to maintain these other friendships/relationships on their own. Make time to meet up with them on your own. It’s essential that we do not disregard other important relationships because of just one. Keep getting to know yourself; continue to focus and evaluate what you need from life, how to grow on a personal level. The journey of self discovery goes on throughout our life.

When it comes to being too available it is imp to ask yourself what is it you define as too available. Why do you find yourself being too available? What is about being constantly available which is so important to you? This need of constant availability, is it your need or your partners? Probably finding answers to such questions can help you find that balance. A place where individual therapy could help.

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Anonymous

How to convince their parents,I need one way it doesn’t matter to die even.Please answer.

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

Hi. It is important that you take your time with it. Take it slowly and have patience. It may take a while but do not pressurise them. Let them come to their conclusion with time. Take help from other trusted friends/relatives/siblings.
Individual and couples therapy can be a helpful space to relieve of the stress during the process of convincing them.

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Anonymous

How to unlearn the relationship pattern your ex has instilled in you? And how do you move on and accept a new person without comparing your experience with ex?

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

To unlearn any patterns which we might identify it is important we first acknowledge them, understand that a pattern has developed and then further as to why you need to break it, what is it that makes it unhealthy for you. Why are you clinging onto it. Furtheron, one needs to start identifying the trigger for that certain pattern, how you feel when it happens. And eventually we have to work towards making a choice of not following that behaviour and dropping it instead. And finally we have to filter relationships which fit after we break that pattern. However, it can sometimes be hard to hold ourselves so accountable; seeking individual or group therapy could help. As these spaces can help you identify such patterns and help you work towards unlearning them.
Unlearning any pattern is a process. Therefore, set realistic expectations and timelines. Do not expect it to be done overnight, it is crucial that you give yourself time and patience.
Break ups are tough and we do not instantly have to have everything figured out. Just as we need time to heal from any physiological injuries we need time to heal from emotional ones.

I think when it comes to comparing our ex with a new partner, we need to let go of the comparing aspect and instead adopt a perhaps Learning aspect. We must Learn from our past experiences how to enhance new ones. Contextualising your current relationship could also help; what is happening right now with the current s/o. We cannot enjoy a new relationship if we constantly are trying to recreate our old one so it’s important to not carry that.

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Anonymous

I believe I have found a perfect match for myself and he doesn’t want to be together because of his experience with his ex. And now I’m just like we’ve made out once and kissed twice and is still talk regularly but I’m not sure where are we on the relationship status.

He says his love language is touch. And whenever he’s come near me is out of affection.
I am not sure what to do and how to make things move forward

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

If you are pursuing a romantic relationship with this person, it is important you make that clear to them. At the same time instead of trying to read his mixed signals, trying to gauge whether he wants to move things forward or indirectly trying to understand whether they like you or not- it is best to ask them. As to whether they are interested in a relationship.
We often tend to not ask these direct questions because we fear rejection but if we don’t ask them we spend our time and energy confused and unsure. So it is best to ask straightforwardly about the relationship status.

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Anonymous

How to Know if you are dating a toxic person or not

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

The term “toxic” can be interpreted in a variety of ways. People have different ideas about what is toxic: What is harmful to one individual may be considered normal by another. As a result, the defining aspects can be subjective. That’s why it’s crucial to examine each relationship as thoroughly as possible to understand where the toxicity lies.
Many elements must be considered, including what does the couple’s communication look like, how do they resolve conflicts, what’s the dependency level-how they do and don’t depend on each other and for what all does this dependency cover and in what manner they reciprocate each other’s needs…
However broadly speaking, a toxic relationship can feel emotionally draining, unstable/unsure, and can feel like one is constantly walking on eggshells because one does not know what could go wrong when. Ask yourself: do you find yourself being afraid of your partner? What is the relationship bringing for your mental health? How do you feel around your partner?
As a general PSA; if you are someone trying to get out of a toxic relationship please reach out to your trusted adults, friends, healthcare providers to seek support (as we can often find ourselves alone and unable to break the loops of toxicity).

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Turtle @turtle09

How to approach the crush when im an introvert ? How to know if someone is actually compatible. Like how to know if its just butterflies or something serious?
Thank you !

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

You can always soft approach your crush- talking about things you both like, talking about them, asking them questions about them, have enough content about yourself to answer questions in return, asking them to hangout in places you both feel comfortable in. These are just some basic ideas. There is no right or wrong way of approaching a crush. You could start with anything you feel comfortable with.
Compatibility is sometimes just a starting point in a relationship. You can be compatible with a lot of people-friends, siblings, family, relatives, crushes. Quite simply, compatibility is not something you have/must have, it is something you make, something you work upon.
Whether one is serious regarding a relationship depends on a lot of factors and is often a very subjective decision.

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Anonymous

My boyfriend of 5 years in which 2 years are long distance has ghosted me suddenly. How long should I wait before dating again ??

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

Hi. It truly depends on where are you at with how the things unfolded. How long should you wait is answer only you can answer however you’d wanna make sure you’re not still in the post-breakup phase. You have to move past the (legitimate and often necessary) stage of curling up on your sofa and truly lamenting the loss of your relationship, and back into the flow of work, hobbies, friendships, and everything else that your life normally entails. This way, you’ll feel whole and confident in yourself before entering the next relationship, rather than just trying to fill that emptiness. Simply put do it when you feel ready and healed. Take care!

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Anonymous

So three weeks ago I broke up with my ex, it was a short 8-month relationship but I had a lot of feelings for this person. One day we argued and from then on this person no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me but he wanted us to talk every day as “friends” I eventually left and decided that I didn’t want that. I ended up being to blame for everything and now I feel lost. What can I do?

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

I understand how burdensome it can be to be attacked with blame of what went wrong. But over here it is necessary to remember that you made the choice to leave due a certain reason. It is imp that you believe you’ve made the right and critical choice for yourself.
At times partners can blame you for everything due to a varied range of reasons like resentment, disagreement, projecting etc. Stop and understand that the blaming isn’t really about you.
You laid down a boundary with your ex and you do not have to feel guilty about the same. Take sometime to evaluate these intense feelings and give yourself space and time.

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Anonymous

I know she loves me but she is very hesitant to express and pulls herself back cause we do not have a future for a very long together but does that mean we should not enjoy and love each other’s company for the time being?

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

The key is to communicate and to be honest, direct, and practical about what you can provide each other at the time. You don’t want to mislead someone or make them assume that a connection is possible when it isn’t.
Be open to your partners suggestions, ask them what is their hesitation regarding and try to understand the situation from their pov.
You also have to ask yourself whether you are putting yourself in the correct course of action. In the longer run how does it pan out for you, emotionally, mentally? Do you find yourself completely at peace with the temporary nature of the relationship?

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Anonymous

What to do if you get bored of your partner? They do love each other but what to do of the boredom… That egen to chat with them feels boring… And how to get a spark in relationship?

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Anonymous

+1

Aakanksha @sadsoul0happyfa...

Hey Sanchi, how to let go someone from your thoughts when that person doesnt even bothers whether you are dead or alive?

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Anonymous

My ex tries to contact me every month…when I pick up the call he has nothing to talk about…before breakup I had done everything to save this relationship. But he made me crazy. He didn’t care and tried to trigger my reaction. He literally enjoyed when I got annoyed. He didn’t show any kind of love and affection except sexual ones. In short, when I refused for sexual advances his love and affection went away. He played with my emotions…He was my friend before proposal. He still wants that friendship, but he didn’t respect me as a person and I don’t want to engage with him again.

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Sanchi Sharma @sanchisharm...

In your statement, you make it clear to yourself that you do not wish to engage with them again. Setting a clear boundary like this is a good step. Boundaries don’t always function, and you can discover that others are stepping over them in some way.
They’re a method for you to communicate with others about how far they can go with you in terms of emotional support, seeking help or advice, and even how often you’re expected to contact them.
Communicating clearly your wish to not be in contact with them is a good start.

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