Earlier this year, my father passed away, 
3 months ago I broke up from a 9-year long relationship, a person I thought I would end up getting married to 
Got in a rebound relationship just to have my heart broken again
I feel a void which feels hard to fill up
I’m desperately searching for true love
I’m looking for a person who I can call my best friend, as well as can spend my life with..
I start doubting myself.. and I’m like.. what the hell is wrong with me?! Why can’t I be in a loving, committed relationship?

Relationships

My mind decides to run when normal people sleep 

Insomnia

It sometimes is not the same when you're comfortable waking up in bed and one second you leave to brush your teeth your to urinate or to drink water and you come back, it's suddenly different! Hmmnm!

3am Thoughts

Hello 

There were days when these festivals used to bring so much excitement that we used to wait for it for months and now it has just become a holiday. The innocence and purity of childhood was really something else.....
Can't believe we used to cry to become adults soon in childhood. It was like begging for iron while having diamonds with you. Those days were the best ones indeed

Silence is full of answers ✨

Quotes

I just realized that I never actually got to share my whole experience at the fest with anyone. 
I wanted to. And I sorta tried to? But in the end, I was too scared of annoying them with such a long meaningless rant. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to bother someone to listen to me for that long. It's not like there aren't people who wouldn't do so tho. I just felt too bad, or idk what, to be able to actually do so.
Welp, here goes nothing! 
So, I was a volunteer at the fest. There was a form available for a few hours- to be filled by people who wish to be volunteers at the fest. The teacher whom I had gone to for counseling had told me to participate in stuff- no matter how trivial the participation may be. Well, that sorta motivated me to apply I guess? Plus, I, too, just like everyone, was pretty hyped up about the fest. Volunteers weren't allowed to participate in most of the segments of the event tho, and I was okay with that because none of the segments were really made for me. I mean, idk, I just didn't want to participate in any particular segment anyways. So hai, I applied. And 50 were chosen from the apparently many people who applied. Later, I heard that a friend of mine who's a panel member of the club, really wanted me to be a volunteer, so I guess she sorta played a role in me getting selected? Tho I also know the president of the club, who was the one who chose the volunteers from the forms. Anyways, I was happy to be chosen, sorta excited, sorta anxious about the upcoming fest. There were two meetings with the volunteers btw. And I missed one of them due to sudden load shedding. I didn't want to miss it tho. But sigh it wasn't possible to attend :c
Anyways! We were told to be present by 7am. The first day, I think I reached a few minutes before 7. So, I was stationed at the auditorium. A brief meeting was supposed to be held. But as everyone wasn't present yet, it was being delayed. Hence, I decided to walk around and stuff. I went to the auditorium and saw the president putting up the banners. She told me to check something in the basement. So I half ran half walked to the basement and back to the auditorium. A drop of sweat trickled down my forehead and I thought, "Ah shit I'm screwed"- worried if I'm physically able to do everything I'm supposed to- as in run around and stuff- if I'm required to. Welp, I helped the president and the treasurer put up the banners in the auditorium and the basement. And by 'help', I mean that I just stood and walked around with the banners- passing em to the president when needed. Then, we gathered around for the briefing. My job at the auditorium was to help people be seated, answer their queries, make sure they've registered at the booth and stuff. There were blue sashes for the volunteers. We went and took one, wore it, now everyone being able to identify us as volunteers. I went to the auditorium. And honestly, I was scared and pretty anxious. I thought I'd have to talk to people a lot, I thought I'd have to interact with people a lot. But actually, that wasn't the case. The other volunteers at the auditorium did most of the talking and I only had to talk to people who came up to me and specifically asked me questions- and the people who did so wasn't a lot. So that was great. That saved me the embarrassment and awkwardness I greatly feared having to go through. So yeah, there wasn't much to do tbh. I didn't have to walk or run around much either. The auditorium has a lot of fans, so it wasn't even hot or anything. The kids stationed outside the auditorium suffered much from the heat and luckily I wasn't one of them. I just stood near the entrance of the auditorium, chatted with the other volunteers, occasionally answered questions asked by people, and fixed the chairs every now and then. Since there wasn't much to do, I went and met up with other friends, most of whom were panel members, and hence, pretty busy. I helped them a bit when I could and overall, just walked around trying to find something to do. Then the last segment for the day started. It was an online game kinda thingy where the participants were given clues and they had to solve riddles. Each team participating in the event was assigned a volunteer. Now, I was anxious about having to talk to the team members of the team I've been assigned to, cuz talking was never my thing so yah. But once again, luckily, my team quit pretty soon. I felt both sad and happy because they quit. Sad because I failed to help them figure out the riddle, so they quit, and happy because now that they've quit, I don't have to talk anymore. Then, I was truly out of things to do, so I went around taking pictures of the decorations and stuff. Some time after, that segment ended and we were done for the day. So, the first day ended without a hitch. Everything went smoothly. We came out at around 6 pm I think? I took lots of pictures and videos of the sky while waiting for my mom to come pick me up. The traffic was horrible as always, so she arrived at around 8 iirc. Then at 9, I was back home. Oh and the volunteers were given lunch! It was yum! Welp, that's about all bout the first day of the fest.
On the second day, again, we were instructed to be present by 7 am and I think I reached a few minutes after 7. I went for the briefing and the president told me, "It's the same as yesterday. Go to the auditorium. Liked your work there yesterday." And honestly, I was a bit shocked because I barely did anything to be complimented or appreciated but hai, it felt good anyways. Welp, back at the auditorium, I was, the same as yesterday, standing close to the auditorium entrance. Then suddenly I noticed a person I know sitting close by. And that made me hella awkward because I didn't have the guts to go up to them and strike a conversation. But ignoring them also felt weird. And man it was just so awkward, being in the auditorium, knowing that a person I know is sitting close to me. Plus a friend of mine came to auditorium and shouted my name multiple times, telling me to walk around the auditorium often, making sure no mishaps are happening anywhere. I was scared that person would recognise me but luckily that didn't happen. Anyways, I was too awkward to actually be walking around in front of them, so I mostly just stood at my previous position. That friend of mine kept on scolding me tho, at some point dragging me to the center of the auditorium, instructing me to either stay there, or walk around, both of which I didn't exactly feel comfortable doing. And for a moment, I think I saw a flash of light behind me. No one took a picture of us or something, right? I mean, that's hella creepy. So no one actually did so I guess. Maybe they were trying out something on their phone or camera. Who knows. Anyways, once again, there wasn't much to do. So I went around to meet/help my other friends. Me and another friend of mine, who also was a volunteer, helped the teachers in carrying the gifts for the judges and other stuff. We were so bored because there wasn't anything to do, we had gone to the teachers to look for something to do. Note that I'm not a hard working person or anything. It's just that I felt unusually energetic and hyped up that day. 
Around lunchtime, some online friends of ours came to the fest. I was too awkward to approach them at first, but eventually met up with them and chatted a bit. I still didn't feel comfortable enough to take off my mask tho. They even took group pictures but I didn't participate in it because I felt too uncomfortable to take off my mask. So hae, I just talked with em a bit and that's all. I didn't actually interact a lot with them or anything. Some time afterwards, I was standing beside the auditorium because the volunteer who was stationed there was missing for some reason, so I was told to stand there in the meanwhile. Suddenly a boy came up to me and went like, "I have some complaints about the fest" and I was like, ok please tell me, I'll let the panel members know. So he told me that the projector and laptops used in a segment were sorta defective and all. Then he asked me if I knew the vice president of the club. I replied in the affirmative and he said that he wanted to meet her, but was not able to find her. He asked me if I had seen her, or could tell him where she was. I offered to call her and so I did. Told her to come to the auditorium because there was someone who wanted to meet her. She said she was coming. So waiting for her, we stood and chatted for a while. He introduced himself and told me about his institutions and all. He was the first and last new person I got to know in the fest. Then, the vice president came and he went away. 
Some segments of the event were held in the auditorium that day, so I enjoyed them for some time. Then there was the ending ceremony and the prize giving ceremony. A good friend of mine won first prize for a writing competition. Some girls I know won prizes too. The president's speech was perfect and the guests and teachers delivered some beautiful speeches too. Then, finally, the two days long fest was over. It ended well. There were barely any problems. The whole fest went splendidly. We stayed behind and the panel members were given crests and certificates. I sorta wanted a crest too but sadly there weren't any for the volunteers. Then cakes were cut, lots of group photos were taken. We also took photos with the teachers. I usually don't like teachers. But I can't loving the ones here because they're just so nice warm and wholesome TWT Then, goodies were given to everyone. It contained a black mask and an adorable notebook with the club's logo in every page and the event logo at the front. Oh breakfast, lunch and evening snacks were given to the volunteers. The finalists were given lunch. Goodies were given to all the participants. Overall, the fest was just awesome. I loved it. It was so so fun. And I did NOT expect it to be half as fun. I expected it to be awkward and embarrassing and shit but it wasn't like that at all. I enjoyed lots and I felt alive, y'know? Because my everyday life consists of sitting in the same spot for hours, dragging myself round the house like a dead body, constantly overthinking or just wasting time and feeling guilty about it. But these two days, they were different. I ran around the whole campus as much as I wanted to, talked with my friends and all more than ever, and just idk, enjoyed the fest to the fullest. It was fun. It really was. I loved it man. And I reached home at around 9 again I think. I was tired, but content. Happy with how things went, impressed with the whole fest and all. This will be one of the shiniest highlights of my stagnant life, a memory to fondly cherish for as long as possible. Once again, it made me thankful for getting the chance to be here, to experience this and just for being alive.





Anxiety

I end up here being all lonely n depressed 🙃

Lonely

I don't feel motivated at all even I know what my dreams are still I keep procrastinating!!!!!
Any tips without using Google?????? please

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts