does liking someone for some time and then not liking them after a few months but still finding them attractive make sense?

3am Thoughts

My country will celebrate its 103rd Independence Day on the 19th of this month. Neither are we free, neither are we independent. 

Affirmations

Hey, Is there any one up for helping me how to attract my crush. As I talk to him on daily basis but I'm unable to impress him. Please give me some advice.

Crush

no one to talk to

Stress

Guys i really need help..
In 2021, i had panic attacks and started to become really anxious... It took me lot of brave and courage and i finally confessed to my mom that i needed help in November. My mom told this to my dad and then my dad start to mock me that im just acting childish because i wanna go back to my real home (im currently staying with my dad near his office place which is in different state). I told that i dont feel comfortable staying where im staying rn (my room always have very negative energy sort of feeling and i dont feel safe) and wanna go back to Mumbai but he made lots of excuses why not to go back. When every coaching started offline then also he didnt let me go. And i really LOVE my parents and really respect them but because i am becoming anxious day by day thats why i always say something very rude towards them. 
Recently, mostly like a yesterday, I was really hungry at midnight and my mom was awake. I told her this and she told me to boil some eggs. The eggs I boiled weren't fully boiled so i asked for help from her. She smashed those eggs on my plate and said that i cant cook or do anything. So i went back in my room and silently started to cry and started to say and imagine bad stuff happening to my parents (not very serious) but it was all because i was really angry on my parents. I then came here and shared little bit of stuff which was bothering me and slept when sunrised and sunlight came in my room bcuz i was feeling someone was there outside my window (maybe my imagination). When I woke up, my dad had very high fever like 102 or 103 with all COVID symptoms. He will go tommorow for COVID testing. I really love my dad but i never wanted to happen something like this during 3rd wave. He got COVID before too in Dec,2020 and his health wasnt really that great. Is this my KARMA?? I am legit crying while writing this much. I really dont know what to do now. Is this whole my fault!! 
HELP ME GUYS!!! 

Anxiety

My mind (n.): Like an internet browser. 17  tabs are open, 4 of them are frozen and I don't know where the music is coming from. 


Other

so uhm this a excerpt from my diary. i just wanted to show this to someone. I wanted to know what it felt like to talk to show this to someone. 
                                                                      1 
ms… multiple scleriosis. i knew what my mom had, but i didnt know the severity. i always thought that nothing was wrong with her. she was like any other disease free human being. it became considerably worse this past year. i googled it hoping to know more about the monster eating my mom slowly and destroying my family. there it was, shown in bold- no cure. different people have different symtopms and side effects of this disease. well it was mood swings and inability to walk straight for my mum. there is one and only one reason why that beautiful women is living in hell. me. i am the reason. ms can be triggered during child birth. the first thing i did when i entered into this gruesome and pathetic world is destroy my familys chance of living a normal and happy live.i feel guilty everytime i look at her, hoping that it would be me instead of her going through all that pain. i push any chance of happiness that comes my way. beacuse i dont deserve it. dont deserve an ounce of love and happiness. i did this to her and i will never forget that.
mum started seeing a physio therapist. forgot her name so lets just assume that its b. the way b talked to her, with such love and care, it made me hate myself more. why cant i speak to my mum like that without showing a speck of anger. why cant i have a normal conversation without making her upset.
her laugh. it lights up the room. she is one beautiful specimen. i wonder why those genes werent passed on to me.her eyes. the colour of a storm waiting to destroy everything in its path. strong, brave and a courangeous grey.
i take everything way to seriously. her words piercing my heart everytime she gets angry.i dont want to take it seriously i know its the medication and drugs talking but, what if a part of it is true?
what if im an abomination, a curse to this world? i wish i can make her happy and carefree. wish that she knows that she isnt in this alone , wish she knows that i love her with very piece of my heart, that i would do anything, anything for her, …well except household chores. that i will never do.
2
Im grateful for my life, my family, my friends. But im not grateful for my existance. I fell like im a never ending burden who is just constantly suffocating everyone around me. Like they are waiting to get rid of, to free themselves from my very own existance. Im scared to let people in because i dont want them to know the real me. Fun fact no one knows the real me. Not my father not mother not my sisters. They dont know that sometimes i cry without any reason. That even though i say i dont beleive in love, im a gooey romantic. That im never good with words. That i constantly judge myself. That im pretending to be this entirely different person who other people want me to be. That im exhausted of trying to be the innocent perfect sweet little girl. That i have sat on the bathroom floor, hating myself to that extent that living like nothings wrong hurt both physically and mentally. i may sound like a depressed person. But i dont think i am, i dont know if i am. Am i?
                         3
Sometimes i wish my mother were normal. A normal caring person who looks at you like your the best thing thats ever happened to her. I feel like she doesnt care about me. Any time she wants to talk, she just calls me to give me some work either household chores or help her. And shes too lazy. A glass sitting across her within her reach, she calls me from the other part of the house to help her. I feel like shes somehow obligated to look after me. And she nevers forgets to remind me that i am a mistake a worthless piece of shit. Everytime she calls out of me i have this undiminishing feeling in my chest, hope telling me that shes calling me to talk about myself for once, to understand how im doing which grade im studying in, about my friends. Till last week she didnt even know that my twin and i study in the same class and no i cant blame this on the drugs. Not anymore beacuse its clearly her choice. She wants to remain sick and receieve all the pity she can get or maybe it is the drugs. I dont know what to think anymore.and achas doing everything in his power to make us feel special and fill the gap of one absentee person. I hate that she has that effect on me, that her words make me wanna curl up in my bed and cry alone for hours and hours until they dry out. Its like she doesnt want to be a better person for us and its killing me inside to see her not care or pretend to not care beacuse i wouldnt do that to my future children. I wouldnt leave them to fend for themselves.she has the same skill set as my twin. She can make you fell like the most loved and special person in this world and the next minute, a disappointment. She doesnt know that everytime she says something she thinks is sarcastic she breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. Adults tell us to follow our hearts. But what if its broken into a thousand pieces, each piece scattered around like freaking dominos, which piece would you follow?

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts