Do people actually know what kind of stress any seemingly "normal" person could be under? I have always found it so fascinating. My entire world could  crumble in a moment and the world still moves on like nothing happened. People still laugh, still enjoy life and i find that soo immensely frustrating.

Other

Anyone from pune. M new in this city

Travel

Hey guys,  I need an advice from you all. Actually I have been bestfriends with a guy since past 5 years. Last 2 years have been very difficult for us and now we are living in different cities. However we used to talk on call and messages continuously nd we have been in fights before as well but every time I used to get convinced very easily and I used to talk to him easily but this time I was really upset and kehte hai na jab insaan baar baar ek hi galti karta hai toh sorry ka bhi matlab nhi rehta fir, aur woh waise bhi mere itna kuch bolne ke baad bhi nhi sudhar raha hai now also he isn't taking any initiative to convince me back, he is only replying in one or two sentences and right now he didn't replied for 3 days and now he has replied me a single line after 3 days as if it is all normal, we never keep each others msgs on read though, but didn't even saw my msg for 3 days
Now I have made up my mind ki I don't want to talk to him but what should I do?
Should i tell him that I don't want to talk or should I just not reply anymore?

Friends

I feel like a loser, and I couldn't control my mood swings due to it. I yelled at my parents, who were the only people to love me.  

Anxiety

Who would you like to thank this year to support you or being there for you or was beside you holding your hand when you required ….?

Mental Health

I have been sexually abused during childhood.. Its like inappropriate touching and all by my cousins.. But when things get worse I somehow alerted elders but I cudnt open up at that time... I just told he is trying to kill me these happened when I was 7-14 yrs old.. Somehow I will just escape by never going near him like that... My parents trusted them so much and I felt pity for my aunt so I kept silent...n I didn't know what was happening around me.. But I was not like a normal child, I used to be alone, too scared like that... I had several side effects but I didn't know all that... After attaining puberty I somehow to escape I went to a boarding school... Like that I never had the boldness to scold any abuser in my life ... I just somehow protect myself... I have suicide intentions, anxiety, people pleasing behavior, scared of opposite gender like that... People are misusing my innocence and I am scared of living in this world... When I told everything to my parents they just asked me to keep it as a dark secret and tried marrying me soon.. I hate being born as a woman... There is nothing to be proud of.. I was begging to my parents I need help from psychologists ...they are never helping...they are just asking me to keep silent.. My cousins never stopped misbehaving and even after one of my cousin misbehaved again with someone else and got beatings in public my mom saved him feeling pity... He never realized his mistake... The victim blaming and shaming is the only thing that's there.. Since nthn big happened according to my parents... If I say something out it will spoil my future ...that's what they were thinking... I cudnt live a normal life.. I regret for tolerating abuse for a very long time and being a coward ...which is making my abusers abuse several ppl.. I feel guilty... When I scolded them my cousin were like blaming me.. I don't have any evidence for every abuse I have experienced...how can someone actually collect evidence tolerating misbehavior... Its always like they will show them to me when I was a kid and ask me to touch like that... They try touching me but I always somehow escaped.. I always have anger but since my parents never supported..I just focused on my safety.. I have so much trauma...and I didn't know I had so many side effects...no one is helping me to get back normal.. I just cry alone.. I got married and faced so many problems... I am scared of even my husband ..I am scared of every male person in the world.. Sometimes I act mad and prefer to get divorce and stay alone.. I don't feel people are validating me ...even my husband was very worse in the start he was so lustful tried to have relationships with other women.. When I told this to my parents and inlaws they were not so supportive...they scolded my husband somehow stopped it but I feel so worthless...my self esteem is so bad.. My parents were just concerned about society a lot... I feel everything is a mess... Even before marriage I told I don't like this guy... My dad didn't even understand me... They scolded me like do you want to go with some other guy like that...I didn't know how to speak up for myself..expect running away I had no choice... Even running away I was scared if beasts in the society... I am scared to live alone...after marriage when there were problems my parents just cried .. My husband again tried cheating me...more than that he forced me to have open relationship.. When I was praying to god he used to be so angry and scold me to have been outdated...I got married when I was 21 and he was 24 ..we both were so immature...I tried going to psychologists ..but cudnt help myself... I cudnt open up and their help lasts only for some time..and I took psychologists help without the knowledge of my family... So I cudnt spend so much on it too... Even while going to psychologists I am scared...even when someone hits me in bus I shiver ...freeze and get scared... Bcoz these beasts will never accept their mistakes and will blame me ... I just felt I shudnt overact and will move somewhere else... Recently another incident happen and it was worse...I was in severe depression... I was crying and begging for divorce.. My parents were very different after marriage they were like seeing me as a burden...asking me to tolerate... When someone abuses it feels like I obey them after so much experience like that... I myself started thinking abuse is normal and if I say that out even police can't help... Since I don't have evidence and I don't like talking about that deeply even..even when a girl gets raped its not easy to prove that...and what she has lost she is never going to get it back...punishment even is too less.. I just want mental strength and want to protect myself from future abuse.. At least that's enough I am so scared..I always somehow try to gain trust in opposite gender...for the first time I gained trust with my teacher in boarding school... I always share everything to male or female teachers ...if there are anything tough in studies like that...and many of my teachers have helped me and guided me well.... Since my parents used to be always busy and never help me dealing with trauma...I just open up somehow to lose the heaviness...I am good at studies... I got even school first in 10th standard ...after that I went to boarding school to protect myself from my abusers but I faced some bullying and adaptation problems...since that was a new environment ... I was never like a normal kid.. Like this my dreams are getting distracted by beasts around me...I regret being born as a woman...being naive innocent coward..I never hurt anyone but ppl hurt me ... All these beasts even when I beg they will Leave for some time ...  but again somehow they will repeat the same..they just took me for granted... ...I wanted to get a good job so I was trying for state civil services... At first my family was not so supportive but I was so stubborn... My in-laws promised me they will help me to prepare for exams before Marg that's why I accepted.. But after marriage I had responsibilities for 2 years.. My husband was doing his PG so I helped him completely and spent a lot of time... 
I don't like my mother's mentality in several stuff...she gets beating from my dad and similarly if I get beating from my husband she normalizes that... My mom has a mentality like women need not study..Marg or kids are so important like that.. Patriarchy is so worse..Somehow I am preparing for exams.. I can go to a normal job...mostly I will prefer freelancing ..I am afraid of male beasts.. After puberty I never go out after 6 pm even ..even to nearby shop.. I feel so scared.. Bcoz if smthn happens ppl will just blame me... I look so feminine and like a kid ... I don't know martial arts... I wanted to learn self defence but no one is supporting me..even to go to class I am afraid without my dad or husband I am scared of going to far away places..I upgrade my skills by going to nearby places ...I am trying for civil services mainly bcoz I like the syllabus it makes me so aware of a lot of stuff and I guess I can be safe in that job... I genuinely respect ppl and talk normally to any gender... While working in office  some might try getting close in the name of brother etc... But I had my boundaries... And I escaped since they were not so worse ... After marriage I went to a institute for a month for test series atleast... My husband was angry and becomes violent since I left him and stayed with my parents to study... It was hard managing... But I have to do it... I worked hard but since its my first attempt I cudnt clear.. I lost it in very few marks.. The key was too wrong..I was so unlucky.. My mom was forcing me to have kids soon..already i have had enough with marriage.. And I don't trust my husband... N anyone...my parents forced me into marg but after that they just blamed me you should have run away like that... I am scared if I have a kid and if I am without a job ... I might be a burden...and I don't want my kid to suffer like me...I want to be a bold mom and be a good role model... I wanted to be financially independent.. I spent my dowry for my husband's study and he is now helping me now.. My parents have assets...but I don't want to be dependent.. I was strong.. I want to be matured enough..my husband should appear supportive and ..if I get a job it would be even better.. After this result since I didn't clear.. I was quite upset..at that time one of the staff trapped me..he himself appeared as if he can help.. He himself forced me to open up about my pain.. He wore a mask..he is very talented in luring or grooming... Manipulating or poisoning..  In my life I have faced several ppl like that but never fell into any trap... But this guy I had so much respect on him since he was a staff... I just told I was 21 got married I worked so hard to clear exam but I cudnt... I used to be a very sensitive person.. So I cried in call..thats the moment...he just asked me to video call.. I didn't even realize about his bad intentions.. And tried talking some shit like his aim is to marry a divorced or widowed women etc etc..I was strong I just told I don't want anyone in my life.. I just wanted to study like that... I didn't even knw his bad intentions... I never thought a guy...he is a staff..he is preparing for civil services... I never even imagined he might misbehave with me in future.. I just trusted him way too much... Every beast has a way ...every abuser is different... This guy after a few days were like he told he is so suicidal and has thoughts of killing himself from a running bus...I felt so scared felt pity.. I genuinely cared and thought he is suicidal and needs help.. But he has got different intentions..he forces me into video calls...sends inappropriate videos and forces me to meet him alone...in a disguise..calls me as if he wants to hold hands to temple etc.. Thank god I never went alone... I never met him alone..I never allowed him to touch me even.. At first itself one of my frnd warned me this staff is bad like that.. But this guy spoke angrily as if he is such a good person and told this is the reason he never send even notes to women...women are bad like that..my frnd only tried misbehaving like that ..he lied... He is such a talented abuser.. He clearly knows luring a married woman now is not a crime.. I didn't knw all these and was very naive... The trust I had...when he forced me so much...and I thought of calling police or telling to parents but was scared I didn't trust anyone..they will stop my studies or will scold me for being a frnd to a guy.. I thought I wud be overreacting... I was advising that idiot and he was like u r a very good person don't block me like that.. He tried using me and luring me in a very different way...he used to send notes or will ask to apply for any exam like this.. I scolded him so badly but he scolds me for being kind...he is scolding me like why did u cry when I told my family problems..I had sympathy I cried that's it.. Or why did u cry that u r not happily married like that.. He blamed me twisted everything... I just shivered... I don't have any evidence and if I scold him a lot..he will beg like he will never talk like that...but again that shit will talk... Since in past I felt pity for my abusers.. And tolerated that for a very long time.. I was just doing the same ..I cudnt even realize what's happening... He was just like a beast...torturing me for video call... Misusing my innocence... I didn't call ..he says just want to c ur face like that...his mind is disturbed like that.. But I was so helpless.. I begged he was a beast.. At first he made me talk something sending obscene videos... I didn't knw he has those chats or not like that..just by saying suicidal he does all these shit... And blames me... When I told he was physically abusing me he was blaming me that I was mentally abusing him..and will beg that he will die if I tell this ...he was like a psycho...narcissistic.. Made me take responsibility for his sick mentality... I was trying so hard to safeguard myself from all these beasts... If I scold him a lot he scolds me and says ur parents are weak and no one will believe u talked for sympathy or u r happy with ur husband I will not disturb like that...clear abuser mentality... I am scared he might throw acid like that... I just blocked and stayed away..still he sends email and in my spam I saw emails of him sending question papers... I have stopped going to that institute even... After several months of trauma again he is sending notes..and he himself thanking him ...he is sending email as cc attached to me along with few more ppl... He was trying to get a loophole.. I knw ...I hate seeing his name even.. I hate such a disgusting creature.. I became so careful.. I noted down all red flags and I thought I should never trust anyone..and should be professional like that.. I am scared of ppl like these.. He is scolding me for not blocking him ..but he wud av been the one to av forced me to do that.. Begged like that...I don't av any evidence and everything was like he asks help from me to correct his English paragraphs and in that he will send his family problems...such a shit he is.. I hate being kind and not valuing myself ..I am fine by protecting somehow but should I die? He is torturing me so much.. He is saying u have husband I don't av anyone like that.. I can't bear him... Right now because of a guy like him I feel worse.. So suicidal.. I am losing so much trust... After noticing every red flag ... I used to advice so many ppl to not get into these traps..but somehow I was in a mess.. Somehow I escaped..but these ppl are worse.. I cudnt even study the torture I faced ( come video call come come come) like that...everything was worse.. At first itself I told my husband he was so immature.. He wasn't helpful... I shudnt av felt pity and shud av called police or should have blocked...my mistake..he even says his ex scolded him saying he misbehaved with her in the image of teaching her.. And he asked he looks at his sister in a bad way and if that is wrong.. Omg ..he is such a shit.. And I was so innocent to have felt pity.. Its all my parents fault.. Even my husband when I told I want to learn self defence... He used to support rapists..he was like they had no place to go..its better to cooperate than to get angry and get urself harmed like that...wat sorta shit these ppl's mentality is..

 This staff was like a girl leaving a guy is worse than a woman getting raped.. If he gets raped he will enjoy like that..I hate beasts like these mentality...I never watch obscene videos in my mobile I just have studies related apps.. I was a nerd.. But when these ppl sent smthn...I slightly got poisoned and carried away for a bit... I trusted so much... Didn't expect ..I got freezed.. I had past abuse side effects like cudnt set boundaries.. Etc...everythn bought me into a mess...Somehow I am trying to protect me..atleast after all these I am in one piece... I never allowed any shit to touch me ..but I have trauma.. I am scared.. I can't be sure of my safety...I feel suicidal ... I am scared of protecting myself..I hate when ppl were so cruel and I still feel pity and cudnt punish them..atleast I want to be bold and protect myself from further abuse... The trauma is worse... Nightmares of every incident is worse.. I guess every guy is bad...they were watching some shit and showing their beast quality to some innocent and blaming them later...I don't even know to whom to open up everything...even regarding this staff I told my parents and husband...my parents scolded me and told u r bold nothing happened... We had shit ppl like that in house leave this...block that person never talk to him again ... U shud av told us before like that...my husband as usual didn't mind.. After me crying and opening up to my parents and husband they understood me and are protecting me and are also supporting me in studies. But still they are feeling burden to av a girl child like that..I wanted to be bold hereafter... I read somewhere like undealt childhood abuse will have some side effects like 1) difficult to set boundaries
2) low self esteem
3) people pleasing
4)attracting abuse again
5)needs external validation like that... And when I read so much about the side effects and trauma... I understood a bit how to heal myself..these seem like wounds time doesn't heal... I want to be normal..I Dono if i can smile again.. I feel so victimized... Everything is triggering my abuse and I just cry a lot.I want some psychological help... I get so many suicidal thoughts... I hate myself for being too obedient, tolerating abuse, not being bold, naive etc...My parents and husband never allows me to speak up even if I m right.. But somehow I am speaking up a lot now.. I feel I learn lessons and I can become strong in one side but in another side I feel scared. I Dono what to hold on to to live in this cruel world
  I don't like being alive actually.. I feel quite jealous when many were achieving and I am finding it hard to survive... I hate those beasts smiling and abusing other innocent again...but nothing is in my hands..I can just protect myself..
Without doing any mistake all these years I carried guilt shame anger and pain ...I cudnt even share anything...I just ask this question should I die today..what If someone misbehaves again.. How to die..I dont want to try dying and fail in that and be a burden...that will be worse...like that I have very little hope.. I wanted to raise up..but somehow ppl are stamping on me.. I feel extreme suicidal but don't even have the guts to do that..some small part in me says I will fail in my suicide attempt n it will make everythn even worse.. A wrong decision can never be a right thing to do... I am scared..I just want to be safe
 I hate my mom who still asks me to attend my  cousin's marg or his son's bday party..how can she do that..I am telling I can't see them...she is not even understanding that...those two cousins...tried misbehaving with my another cousin and my younger sis too..and there are several complaints on them... But how the hell could my mom ask me to talk to them..every time I see them the trauma is worse.. My parents were not even understanding this..(if we scold so much my cousins might die outa shame since they have a family now and its a sin) they have not raped me...so my parents were like so good to my abusers...
 But it feels worse to me... I am shivering and have very low confidence ...n its like if someone blames me even though its not my mistake I am feeling bad
 I Dono how many more side effects I have... I Dono if I am fit for civil services.. But I wanted to be in a respectable position and help several other victims..even if I don't clear the exam...I will help those ppl in some way or other.. I am working hard...studying a lot on self help..being aware..learning psychology etc etc
 I dress in a decent way...I never go out..still I get misbehaved and still I get blamed.. Now for the last ...I am going to have a very great boundary with any gender...and I am going to not trust anyone and in future have to learn self defence..
: I Dono if this will be read by a psychologist.. If its read by one...please help me deal with my trauma. It will be helpful

Mental Wellbeing

Does the moon know what the heart aches for?

3am Thoughts

There once was a time when I used collect beads of bracelet, bangles ,dress or anything but now here i am sitting and doing nothing but watching everything fall apart in my life ...

Anybody whose goal is to work in GOOGLE??

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts