Dealing with family problems, trauma unstable mental health, insecurities, anxiety, self blame at such a young age isn't easy at all :)

3am Thoughts

I have been having urges of self harming lately, and yk i so badly want to cut myself or harm myself in anyway, I don't want to necessarily die but like i want to feel something, it's okay for me if that something is pain. I want to feel something so badly, because all i remember feeling is numbness. I don't talk about my issues with anyone, i just pretend I'm good and i must say I'm way too good at putting up a false face. All my friends would say I'm the chillest person they know and I'm honestlyy happy about it. I want to be perceived as a chill calm content person, but that's some other story. Right now i just want to ask Y'all for some strategies to cope with these urges. Anything that worked for you if you ever have been through this phase?? (in which case I'm sorry you had to endure this) I've been feeling so low for almost 2 and a half year ig, and i finally talked about it with my parents that i need help, that was the most difficult conversation of my life. And they just slide it off like nothing, told me to wake up early, exercise and eat healthy and yk typical brown parents things. 

Self Harm

I'll probably end up staying up all night 

I'm feeling down. 

I have a good career, good salary. However this job is just not for me. I have no passion in doing it. I take pride in doing the best in everything that I do, however this time it's a bit different. I feel like I fails everyone. I fails my team. I used to get praised when I first started in this position, but now it feels like I disappoint people around me. I have no confidence, I started to gain weight and I feel extremely unattractive. My boyfriend has to put up with my mood swings. One time I am this happy girlfriend, and suddenly I dont feel like talking to him or anyone. Why Am I like this.  I feels like I have no direction or goals in life. I should be grateful with this pandemic I am still able to have a roof over my head. But why am I still feeling anxious

Career

Hi
I am 21. I have been a victim of sexual abuse in my childhood. I hava some bad memories of being brutally beaten up by my mother in my childhood too. She used to stay frustrated due to family issues back then and I was hee first child. I don't know if this is the reason to my current behaviour or not. 
But I have some serious anger issues now. I get uncontrollably angry and I always feel like people are drifting away from me for this reason. I have lost many friends because of this nature and I start yelling very quickly. I don't know how to control this. I don't believe in God. If anyone can help, please do let me know some effective and sensible methods for me. Thank you in advance.

Anger Issues

In April I broke up with my girlfriend because I was too scared to admit that I'm having suicidal thoughts. Because I promised her at the begging of our relationship that I will not kill myself, I decided that when I broke up with I would be free to end my life. She was the only reason why I was fighting with my demons. Unfortunately I survived my sucide attempt and I started feeling even worse because I knew that I fucked up and that I hurted her because I was a fucking egoist. 

After a few weeks I finally talked about this with my best friend. I asked her if she knows how my ex is doing. I asked her if they are in touch because I was worried about her. She LIED to me and told me that they don't really text. Maybe one text per week. Well. I believed her. She was always telling me that she all her friendships trough internet weren't really working because she's not that type to text a lot. Well, I believed her. Event tho I was hurt because she was texting me only when she wanted to meet up with me. 

After a few weeks I found out the truth. They're were texting almost 24/7 and my ex was planning on visiting her for few days. 

I was so angry that I texted my friend and told her how I'm feeling about this. She was again lying to me.  She was trying to make me feel bad because I was feeling betrayed. I told her that this is the end of our friendship. She wasn't even trying. 

At that time I felt like everything is falling apart. I lost my two most important people in life. 

At the end of June I texted my ex to explain everything (I wanted to write a letter for her on the day where we started dating). But I found out that she was visiting my ex bff that day. So I texted her with this letter. I told her the truth. I did this because I wanted to kill myself. She said that she understands, that she wants to help me. She told me that she loves me and she want to try again. 

After that we stopped texting. But on a group chat where I was, my ex, my ex bff and a few other people the two of them were 24/7 trying to make me feel even worse. I was crying every day and every night because I was so tired of this. 

A few days ago my ex bff visited my ex gf. They were posting photos together. Then I found out that they're together. 

Since that day I started overeating, crying most of my time and not being able to do anything. Last Saturday I tried to kms again. It's Wednesday and I'm slowly losing myself. I just can't. I just want this pain to stop. I'm alone. I don't have anyone. I'm so scared. I want to end my life but I'm so fucking scared . 

Suicidal Ideation

Does being good at b3d and comparing urself to their past a big de3l? Coz em literally overthinking rn. Ih8 it

Overthinking

He who wants a rose must beware of the thorn.

Affirmations

My mental health is wrose day by day. I tried to enjoy things but i am not able to enjoy, smile and laugh like i do before. Feeling happy is now become very difficult for me. My behavior affect my surroundings too. I really don't like that.
I never want anyone to be disappoint because of me but now its happening and i don't have control over it. I am talkative person but now i don't wantbto talk anyone. I am distancing myself from everything. And i don't like doing anything. My mind is so tired, numb and scary. I don't know if i am able to overcome from these things or i died soon. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts