Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

calmness is a state of mind that is difficult for me to dwell in when I’m in a state of calmness, or in a sense of a “clear mind”, I get intrusive thoughts, like jumping off a roof or hanging myself from a tree, [killing myself].

my mind makes scenarios of my loved ones dying
that leave me in a burning place with my heart and it’s a really slow burn that takes ages die away, (it never seems to heal)

I often think of how peaceful it would be if i didn’t have to live anymore, but then after I am at peace or a sense of calmness in that place, then I feel a overwhelming weight of guilt come over me telling me I am a selfish person and if I die the pain i will leave behind to my loved ones would hurt them so bad that it will haunt me in the afterlife… if there even is one.

I often leave my brain unattended, or I am left unattended with my brain.
There’s an indescribable feeling of fear when I’m left alone with my thoughts.
I am often on the verge of crying or breaking down. but over the years of “living” with these conditions. I’ve become so good at shoving them down my throat or into the back of my mind
that sometimes they will be left there for so long that the littlest of things will make me break down and my mind attacks me and then calls me dramatic and over emotional.

This is why I need a certain amount of chaos in my life in order to be able to function but sometimes I can’t even handle that. But even with all the chaos this happens on a daily basis.

I’m not sure what to do anymore.

-writer