Breaking up with someone you love is a big challenge and definitely not an easy one.
Giving everything in a relationship for days, months, and years and breaking up after that can be tough and can take a heavy toll on your mental and physical health. However, a relationship is more than just love. And, at times, love is not sufficient to sustain a relationship, and one has to take drastic measures to break it off.
But when would you know that you need to break up with someone you love ?
Let’s delve into how to break up with someone you love.
8 key things you should know before breaking up with someone you love, according to a Relationship Therapist
1. Understand “why” you want to break up
You must gather your facts and understand why you wish to break up with the person you love. It will get messy and difficult while you confront them about why you wish to break up. It might make you or your partner cry, which will make it difficult for you both to break up. There is a high possibility that your partner might try to convince you not to break up, but if you have all your facts ready, it is better to listen to your logical side of the brain rather than get all emotional about it.
2. Give yourself space to heal and feel completely
It is going to be tough to leave someone you love, even if they are at fault somewhere. In these situations, we humans tend to run away from our emotions and try to escape them by indulging in activities like substance abuse or getting into toxic relationships . Understand that you are going through a painful journey, and it will take time to heal. Let your body feel those emotions, and do not pressure yourself into feeling okay.
3. Talk to someone you trust
Breaking up with someone you love can leave you feeling hollow, and it is important to surround yourself with people you trust at that time. It can get very lonely and isolating when the person you talked to the most and shared every little detail with is no longer there in your life. Sharing your feelings and vulnerability with your loved ones at that time will help you get closure and make you feel less lonely.
4. Set your boundaries with them
Usually, whenever couples break up, they wish to instantly become friends with their ex, as that gives them a sense of comfort and relief. However, that can cause trouble in your dynamic, and you might feel sad to not have what you had with them before. So instead of becoming their friends right away, set your boundaries and try not to contact them, at least in the first few months.
5. Avoid social media stalking
It is very common for today’s generation to stalk their ex on social media, and honestly, it has both pros and cons. However, it can get hard to resist not stalking them on social media when you miss them and just wish to talk to them. A lot of people even make fake accounts just to talk to them and know what is going on with them. You should understand that it can get toxic and make you feel worse about the situation. So, it is better to block them for the time being (if that is something that can work for you) or just try to control yourself and not stalk them. Ask your friends for help, and tell them not to encourage you to stalk them or see if they are doing okay or not.
6. Don’t let the fear of being alone hold you back
Breakups can be scary, especially when you have spent years building your relationship, so even the mere thought of leaving them makes you feel lonely. However, just because you don’t want to feel lonely and want your partner to fill that void, the relationship will do you no good. Our thoughts tend to limit us and make us want to run away from reality. But if your gut and intuition are telling you to break up because you deserve more, then it is better to just do it rather than letting your fear get in the way.
And if you feel you will be all alone with no social support, then you can always confide in your friends and family and lean on them for support.
7. Don’t come into a new relationship right away
It can be difficult to let go of someone you love, but that doesn’t mean that you should enter into a new relationship right away. While it can be difficult to be alone and not have someone by your side, entering into a new relationship will only be a temporary distraction for you. It can cause more harm than good; therefore, it is better if you give yourself the time and space to heal.
8. Seek professional help
Going through a breakup can be lonely, and at that time, you expect everyone to understand you when, in reality, your inner self needs to understand itself. At that time, consider therapy and professional help where the therapist can help you go easy on yourself and will listen to you empathetically. Getting that support and empathy from a therapist will help you in many ways and will make you feel a lot better and lighter.
You can even talk to Now&Me experts who are available to help you at a cost that starts at Rs. 30 and is 1/4th the cost of traditional therapy.
How do you know if it is time to break up?
There are a lot of reasons to break up with someone you love. Let’s see what they are and how to break up with someone you love:
1. You keep breaking up now and then
If you and your partner keep breaking up now and then, it is better to break up once and for all, as this can mean that you both have unresolved problems that you need to resolve. Couples who aren’t aware of their problems and tend to repeat this pattern can cause more harm than good. So, you should break up with your partner for good, look after your conflicts first, and then think about entering a relationship.
2. You are doing all the work
Every relationship requires consistent effort and work, both on your end and your partner's. However, if it is only you who are putting in the effort and time for your relationship and your partner has stopped showing any interest or care towards you, it is high time to break it off.
3. You do not trust them
A foundation for a healthy relationship is trust, and if you do not have that with your partner, then there is no way a relationship can work healthily. If you do not trust your partner and feel they hide things from you or aren’t what you think they are, it is better to break up.
The first way to solve this would be to talk to them and communicate your feelings to them. But if that doesn’t work out and you feel breaking up is the best possible option, do that.
4. Your values do not align
A relationship only works well when the values of both you and your partner are aligned and match each other. Your lifestyle, guiding principles, and morals reveal a lot about your relationship. If your values aren’t in sync with each other, it can be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. So if you have that doubt within you, talk it out with your partner, and if you feel it won’t get better, it is better to part ways.
5. You have stopped caring
If you and your partner have stopped putting that constant effort and time into the relationship, there will come a time when you both stop caring about each other. If you wish to retain your relationship, it is important to consistently work on it. However, if you feel things aren’t getting better, you should break up with your partner.
6. You have constant fights
If you and your partner are having constant fights without any reason and are always demeaning each other, it can get very ugly for both of you. It is important and also suitable for couples to fight, however, if all you both are doing is fighting, then that can be a sign of taking a step back and analyzing your relationship.
Break up do’s and don’ts
When you break up with someone you deeply love, there are some unsaid do’s and don’ts that can help you handle your breakup properly and healthily.
Here are some of the dos and don'ts that you must consider when you do not know how to break up with someone who loves you.
1. Do it in person
It is better to break up in person, as it can get emotional and messy, and doing it in person can avoid any kind of miscommunication or misinterpretation. This will also lead to a better closure of the relationship, and there are fewer chances of any feelings of hatred between each other.
2. Do it politely
If you are breaking up with your partner, you should do it subtly and politely without being harsh on them. You might be angry, sad, or upset by them, but if you are parting ways with them, doing it aggressively might make you regret it later. So if you are sure you want to break up with them, be polite about it.
3. Do share with your loved ones
When you are about to do something so emotionally wrenching, do not isolate yourself; instead, tell your friends or family about it so that they can help you with this grieving process. It can be hard to go through this process alone; try to surround yourself with your loved ones and make sure you aren’t hiding anything from them.
4. Do treat yourself
There is a high chance that you might start self-loathing yourself after your breakup; you might even get thoughts of why you did it or why you should probably go back to them. In moments like this, you must stay away from listening to your thoughts and treat yourself in ways that might make you feel happy or a bit better, like going shopping, taking short walks, meeting old friends, or taking a trip.
5. Don’t stalk them
This might be hard, but do not stalk your ex on social media. If you feel it will help you, block them. However, steer clear of social media and try not to stalk them, as that might make you want to contact them, which will make you miserable.
6. Don’t go for a rebound relationship
It can be difficult to be alone after being in a relationship for a long time, but that doesn’t mean that you should go ahead and have a casual or rebound relationship . This will only cause you more harm than good, so try to be more polite with yourself. Instead of jumping into a relationship right away, give yourself a break and be with yourself for a while.
7. Don’t be hard on yourself
It can be difficult to not be hard on yourself, especially when you have just broken up with someone you love. Your thoughts might make you feel guilty and tell you to go back to them instantly; they might also make you feel that you have made the wrong choice. However, at this time, you must listen to your intuition rather than your thoughts.
What to Say and How to Say It
Breaking up is a task that needs to be done with care and affection. You can hurt the person you are breaking up with and yourself by choosing the wrong words and saying them hurtfully. How you say it and what you say to the other person while breaking up really matter.
So here are a few examples of how to break up with someone who loves you and what to say to them:
- If you feel you both want different things in life and this relationship is not going to offer that. You can say
“I am sorry, but I feel we both want different things in life.”
“I think we have different ideologies in life, and it is better if we pursue them individually.”
- If you feel your values are quite different, it will hinder your relationship going forward. You can say
“I feel we should break up as our values are quite different, and this might come between our relationship.”
“I respect your values, but I want something else in a partner.”
- If you feel your future looks different than your partner's. You can say
“I feel we both want different things in life, and I don’t see us giving each other that.”
“I don’t think our relationship aligns with our future goals.”
- If you feel you are not looking for a long-term relationship and your partner is, you can say
“It has been a wonderful relationship, but I am not in the right place to be in a long-term relationship.”
“Our long-term goals aren’t the same, which is why I feel we should go in different directions.”
How Can Therapy Help You Break Up?
If you are confused about whether you want to break up or not, you can always ask for professional help. It will help you see things from an objective perspective, and you will be able to make a clear decision. If you consult a therapist, you will be able to understand why it is important for you to break up and how to leave someone you love.
You can consult an expert or a therapist from Now&Me and get all the guidance and support you need from them. You can talk to them instantly and get online counseling with our trusted psychologists at prices as low as Rs. 30 and at 1/4th the cost of traditional therapy. Moreover, if you are nervous about having a video call with them, you can talk to them via chat as well. Now&Me is made for you and your mental convenience.
How can Now&Me help you?
Our platform, Now&Me, is a safe place that makes you feel light by writing out whatever is weighing you down. It can help you engage with others and make you look at things from a different perspective about yourself and your relationship. Become a part of the larger community and understand yourself and your relationship by seeking guidance through online counseling.
When you do not know how to break up with someone you still love or how to leave someone you love, sign up on Now&Me and seek online counseling for it. Be a part of a non-judgmental, inclusive, and friendly community . A platform made for you to readily ask for help and let our therapists help you understand the root cause of your issues and make you aware of how to effectively tackle them. Invest in your mental health and download Now&Me for free!
How to break up with someone you still love? You first need to understand why you want to break up with them. Once you are clear about that, it will be easier for you to tell the other person why you want to break up. Breaking up with someone you love can be difficult, so it is better if you do it in person and do it politely. There is no need to be harsh about it, as you are parting ways with someone; be subtle and gentle about it.
There are a lot of signs to determine whether you should leave a relationship or not. However, the major signs are that your values do not align, you do not trust them, you do not have the same spark, you like spending time alone more than with them, and you have constant fights unnecessarily.
Breaking up with him when he really loves you can be hard. So instead of making them doubt themselves or hurt them unnecessarily, talk to them and make them understand properly why you wish to break up with them. Do not leave them in doubt, as that can lead to him overthinking; just be honest with him.
Breaking up with someone you love will always hurt, as you tend to intermingle your lives together. From your routine to calling each other at a particular time, everything becomes very automatic, and suddenly breaking away from it can bring a lot of pain and discomfort. So there is no easy way to break up with someone you love, as it will always hurt to leave them.
The five stages of a breakup are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This process has no time frame and works differently from person to person.
There is no contest here, as breaking up hurts really bad. However, dumping someone is relatively easier than getting dumped. When someone dumps you, you actually do not see it coming, and it can actually make you feel worse than the person who dumped you.
Yes, definitely. If someone breaks up with you, that doesn’t mean that they have stopped loving you. Love is a feeling that doesn’t have an off or on switch. It is not something that can be explained, but breaking up has a lot more to do with not loving someone.
There is no way that one can determine who feels worse after a breakup. Both parties who break up will feel bad after going through a breakup; however, this also depends on the circumstances of the breakup.
The most hurtful breakup is the one where a person dumps you for comparative rejection, where they come into a relationship with someone else, and make you feel like you're being traded for someone else.
The hardest point after a breakup is to accept that the future you built with them won’t be there anymore. Coming to terms with your present and building a life again can make you feel very lonely and aloof.