Background- So my boyfriend (since 2.5 years) doesn’t seem to have time for me /he doesn’t feel like talking to me/ I REALLY DON’T KNOW!
This has been a pattern since he lost his dad few months back due to covid.
I have given him a lot of space and have let him be for long periods of time.
I have suffered a lot too. Overthought, didn’t sleep for nights thinking of weird scenarios, feeling insecure, anxious etc etc.
I don’t seem to be getting any kind of validation (mostly). Seems like only I call him, text him etc. Even if I give him a hint that I’m upset, he just texts back some excuse like I was tired na. Came home and slept. No sorries, no call even after that. It’s been more than an entire long weekend since he hasn’t called me. Randomly texted me “Hiii” in the afternoon today like everything is okay on his end. I don’t want to reply back. I didn’t reply, still he didn’t call.
I am upset with him coz of the same thing happening again and again and I have communicated to him earlier as well. I was really anxious, so I wwrote down my feelings in my notes. But never sent it to him. This might give you a little clarity too.
"I just want you to care. Jab main itna adjust karti hu tere liye. Itna space deti hu, itne din I let you be chahe main kitni khapp gayi hu andar se, chahe kitna bhi ro rahi hu,. In one call, I forget everything and start talking to you. I forgive you without you having to do anything. Then why can’t you do this much?
Kyun nahi khayaal rakh sakta ki main kya soch rahi hu. Ki main call karlu. Reply kardu. Ek baar kuch keh du. Even after me giving you hints that I’m upset or something is upsetting me, you’re like fine. Or main nahi kar sakta. Mujse nahi hota/horaha.
I don’t understand why I’m so involved. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong. Sometimes I think I’m wrong that I’m getting so emotionally messed up for you. I should just move on. I waste so much time overthinking. Why do you let me be for so long. Why can’t you understand that I get so emotionally exhausted. I can’t handle this shit. It’s very very difficult. I can’t breathe. It makes me anxious. I panic.
I question my own self. Is it just me? My insecurities? Or is it actually you?
Am I crazy? Is my mind fucked up? Am I asking for too much?
I just want to be treated right. If I’m not ok and he knows it, he shouldn’t atleast ignore it"
I just feel weird. I’ve really done everything and been there for him silently, given him space and everything.
I’m so so so so so upset with him. And I don’t have the energy to communicate and listen to the other side this time. I’m brimming with my own stuff. I can’t understand his side this time, no matter what he says.
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