Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Back in Jan. 1991, my mother who had breast cancer that ended up being a brain tumor. My father a me took care of my mother at home for about 9 or so months. She then went into the hospital. I slept in her room for a month or so. That whole time I was totally isolated. No visitors or phone calls for a year. Then in march of 1992, my youngest brother committed suicide. The minute I was told, I immediately went into a state of deep depression. I felt like dying all the time so I started smoking crack. It was the thing that took my mind off of dying. During that time I found out that my daughter wasn’t mind. Then my older brother in California died. One of my two best friends came over and spent the night. We had pizza and beer. He calls me a day later and says his arm went numb and that he was in the hospital. He called a few times saying don’t bother coming to the hospital because he’ll be home the next day. A day after that his wife called me and told me Jeff had died. This made me way more depressed. Later that year I found out that my other best friend had been murdered. On top of this, I used to watch a particular female newscaster. She reminded of a friend’s cousin. I didn’t see her for awhile. Then it was announced that she had cancer and would be back after her treatment. Next thing I know they are announcing that she died. I was depressed but I thought that I was still grieving. This went on for sixteen years. I finally got some help at the VA hospital but my life had changed for good. Every one who I had loved was dead and everyone who loved me was dead. I went from being a extrovert to being an introvert. I was afraid that if I cared about you, you would die. I had a few so called fair weather friends during that time but it wasn’t the same. Forward to 2019. The pandemic hit. My father died in 2010. He was living in assisted living. They found him dead in his apartment. I live alone and was scared that if I got the shots I would go home a die alone. I just got my shots two or three weeks ago. I have been literally alone with no one to talk to for two years and I have chronic insomnia from working at Amazon. I’m not looking for sympathy. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I have been holding all of this in since 1991.