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Ask Me Anything with Aishwarya Ajmani on September 11, 2020

@aishwaryaajmani12 is a Counselling Psychologist and Internationally certified NLP practitioner. She is the founder of HappeeMindz, an initiative with a vision to provide counselling services and plan interventions to strengthen one’s mental well-being. She is associated with different corporates and marine institutes. She has been working to remove the stigma of seeking help for mental health issues by raising awareness. She has dealt with 500+ clients facing relationship issues, break up, depression, stress and anxiety, anger issues, grief, low self-confidence and phobia via online and offline counselling sessions.

Feel free to take her opinion and advice on mental well-being owing to the pandemic that has been bothering you. It is an open discussion!

You can post your questions below by September 10, 2020 (Thursday).

@aishwaryaajmani12 would be answering them right here on this thread on September 11, 2020 (Friday)

Asking questions shows strength, not weakness.

🧡 Ask away and stay informed! 🧡

19 Comments
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Anonymous

Hii Aishwarya, there are some days I feel very lonely and some days I’m completely okay being single…how to get over those feelings of loneliness?

aishwaryaajmani12
@aishwaryaajmani12

Hi there!

Well, it’s completely okay to feel that! Everyone feels lonely once a while being single or being coupled. It’s a normal emotion.

So I have two perspectives on this-

1. If you feel “not-so okay” with being single then reflect on what are the reasons we are choosing to be one. Work out the reasons if you wish to be in a relationship. Talk to your friend or connect to a professional who can help you deal with your inhibitions. Take healthy social risks. Try to interact with people, initiate conversation if you wish to curb your loneliness. You may not necessarily need your significant other. Sometimes having good friends around really helps one with such feelings! Be more vulnerable and trust yourself!

2. Being in a relationship does not make you a better, more successful person, so don’t think less of yourself for being single. Reflect on your goals of life, explore your different sides, catch up on a new hobby, and work on your social confidence! A romantic partnership is not the only satisfying type of relationship. In fact, being single is the perfect time to nurture other relationships that can last a lifetime.!

r
@rishabh12

I get angry on things which have happened in past when i am alone generally in the mornings?

aishwaryaajmani12
@aishwaryaajmani12

Hi Rishabh!

It’s good to know that you are able to identify the “why” and the “when” of your anger. Meaning why does it happen and when does it happen. Monitoring your anger is the first step to perform in order to be able to deal with it. So, you are on the right path!

Now let me come onto the “how” of the situation meaning how to deal with this.

Well, in your situation anger is a symptom of some unresolved emotional conflicts which is coming from the past. It may be accompanied by other emotions like disappointment, frustration, resentment, betrayal, regret, etc. So we might be dealing with different emotions which is meta-labeled as anger. If the anger is still pervading it means it needs to be addressed. So simply working on how to manage anger would be a temporary fix. However, taking out time to resolve those emotional conflicts which manifest anger that would be a permanent one. Putting a bandaid on a deep wound doesn’t help. The symptom is treated when the cause of the same is addressed and analyzed. Right? This would involve analyzing why a particular thing, person, situation triggers your anger and how does it affect you presently.

Don’t control your trigger, understand your trigger! Alright?

So take out time to talk about the situation with yourself, with your well-wishers, or with a professional to get an objective perspective on it.

Along with that, you can surely practice anger management strategies mentioned in the link- http://www.happeemindz.com/anger-management

Anonymous

Hello maam.
I don’t have anything to ask relating to the feelings that I have been experiencing during this period. But I would be really grateful if you could provide me help with how to increase motivation ?
I have a lot many ideas and goals to achieve but I fail to turn my ideas into actions because of laziness and procrastination.
Thank you 😃

aishwaryaajmani12
@aishwaryaajmani12

Hi there!

So you wish to come out from the “thinking zone” to the “action zone”. Here are a few ways in which you can come onto the other side-

1. Knowing the fact that you are one of the 87% of the people who procrastinate. So don’t beat up yourself for not doing what you are not supposed to do. It’s okay and it happens.

2. As you share here that you have a lot of ideas and goals. So the next thing would be to break it down into chunks and deal with them 1 at a time. Ensure you break it into manageable segments. Doing all at once is can be overwhelming and it may seem like an unachievable task.

3. Pen down the reasons for your procrastination. Sit with them and analyze what is going wrong. Writing will help you give clarity.

4. Self-analysis can help. If you are doubting your ability to do something than keep a check of your strengths and boost your self-belief system. Trust your ability to deal with the situation.

5. Managing your environment and removing the distraction. It should be out of your sight once you decide to do your work.

6. Recognize the onset of your thoughts of procrastination. When you feel tempted to procrastinate, don’t give in to the urge. Instead just pause, breathe, and continue until the target is achieved. Commit. Put in extra few minutes and get done with it. Probably reward yourself by watching an episode on Netflix once done!

7. Don’t sit up for long stretches and take a walk once you feel lethargic. Taking water breaks significantly helps with laziness and enhances your attention.!

I hope this helps you a little! Hang in there and good luck! 😃

Anonymous

How can I make myself emotionally intelligent & tough so that I dont get swayed away by small things or adverse events & situations that happen around me? I want to be more focussed towards my work & not dwell more on my emotions

aishwaryaajmani12
@aishwaryaajmani12

Hi there!

Making yourself emotionally intelligent is a very good decision of yours. I really appreciate it! Before I begin with how you can enhance your emotional quotient (EQ), you need to keep this in mind that you are a human, so it’s really okay to be swayed by your emotions when life gets tough. Yes, a little attention is needed if it’s started to affect your daily functioning.

Now to be emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean “ not dwelling on your emotions” or “running away from it”. Rather emotional intelligence begins with self and social awareness, the ability to recognize emotions of yourself, of others, and recognizing how it impacts you. Here are a few things I can suggest to enhance your EQ:

1. Don’t run away from your negative emotions. Rather pause and talk to them. Listen and understand them. It might sound a little weird to you at first, but this would help you deal with your emotions objectively. Remember emotions are a part of us not “us”. We essentially give a lot of power to the emotions the moment we tried to avoid them. Running away from it requires more strength than dealing with it.

2. Become a good observer of your emotion. Address and understand what you are you feeling (Label your emotions), what triggers those emotions and how is it impacting you. Increasing awareness by reflecting on the overwhelming situations.

3. Allow yourself to feel whatever you have been feeling. Breathe and breathe before you jump to a horrific conclusion. Remind yourself at that time that’s it’s emotions talking out loud to me.

4. Take responsibility for your feelings. Once you start accepting responsibility for how you feel and how you behave, this will have a positive impact on all areas of your life.

5. Practice responding rather than reacting. Journaling every night about how you feel will help you get a broader perspective of situations you have been dealing with.

I hope this helps! 😃

Anonymous

I suffer from obsessive thoughts sometimes. These thoughts are often intrusive, repetitive, irritating, socially unacceptable or aggressive in nature and pop up anytime. I have learnt how not to react to these thoughts and not to get disturbed by them. I let these thoughts just pass and know that these are just junk thoughts. But still, how do I achieve a peaceful state of mind and reduce the number of intrusive thoughts that I have?

aishwaryaajmani12
@aishwaryaajmani12

Hi there!

So something which is good here is that you are able to take control of your compulsions (actions/reaction). Let me explain the coping with obsessive thoughts with the help of an example.

Let’s say you are going out for a walk and I tell you that “don’t think about the monkey once you step out of the house.” Now, take a minute to think about what would happen.

If you are thinking that you will end up thinking about the monkey then yes, you are right!

It’s the same with your ruminating thought. If you fear their occurrence and get anxious about it, you will end up thinking about the same. Thoughts are just fleeting mental images. They have no consequences until you choose to make them important.

Secondly, people may not be judging you that harshly the way you judge yourself when experiencing such a thought. Every human does have weird thoughts running in their mind. Some may experience less of it and some may experience more. So it’s okay! Need not feel embarrassed and ashamed by it.

Third scaling would help. For example on a scale of 1-10, what are the chances of the thing that you feel “may” happen. If it’s more than 6 than find the evidence behind the same. If less than 6 then you can let it go.

Fourth, acceptance that thoughts are largely out of control. Avoiding, suppressing, or escaping these thoughts unwittingly serves to amplify and strengthen them, making them worse and worse. Acceptance, rather than control and avoidance, is the key

I do believe identifying the source, the triggers, the patterns is important when dealing with such intrusive thoughts. Post that comes to the management of anxiety that comes with it. You can/must seek professional help for the same.

Anonymous

Although it is a lockdown but it seems like the time is running away. I have a colossal problem of procrastination, especially during this lockdown because of which I think I have developed big anger problems. Due to this my studies and relationships are being deeply affected. With each passing day, the pending work seems to have multiplied and I feel trapped in a vicious circle of incompleteness. Is there a way to break this cycle?

Anonymous

Hi Aishwarya,
I am from India. I am in a crisis now and I need help. I dont like the life i am leading right now. A life which my parents chose for me, my father precisely. But my father is a good person. But he led a terrible life. His wife, his work atmosphere, his old parents everyone is kind of troubling him. So he thinks he wants me to lead a life of his choice. I have a boyfriend. He is kind of possessive and sensitive yet he loves me a lot. My father doesn’t approve my relationship and wants me to marry someone of his choice. I dont wanna go against him I just wanna tell him about my dreams and boyfriend. I just wanna tell him that his choice of is not something I desire. I love my father a lot. I am afraid that he will get hurt I am afraid that he will see me as a problem. I am really afraid to talk to him. He is judgemental and he has in his mind a way of leading life and he thinks that is right. He is not able to understand the fact that everyone thinks different. Everyone will be different. I just want the courage to talk to my father about my dreams and want him to stop his plans for my marriage. I’m just 21. I have been over protected by my family. I have not seen the outer world. I wanna explore it. And my boyfriend, he too is a good boyfriend. He takes care of me a lot. Loves me very genuinely. But he fails to understand me. I accept that I am partly responsible. Though being in love for 4 years we never had a meeting, meaning we meet daily in college. But in our college girls and boys should not talk. There is no mobile phones allowed. So I have not met him and spoke to him other than college. Our love was only over phone calls and chats. But yet he is a very genuine lover. Only problem he is possessive and takes up my space. He is madly in love with me. He doesn’t think anything other than me. I love him but i am not that “mad”. I tried to explain him he didn’t understand it. Finally I got frustrated and I wanna breakup coz I didn’t find peace in it. That doesn’t mean I dont love him but at the same time i can’t give up myself to be in a relationship. When I said I wanna breakup he went reckless i understand that it is because of love. I have made mistakes in my relationship. It is really common. Now he said he will try to understand me but ultimately blamed me that I only saw his negatives not his love. I really did saw his love. But I didn’t have the peace I felt like I was losing myself. He told me that he will rectify his mistakes and understand me. But ended up blaming me I am the reason for everything. I accept it but now people talk only about my mistakes. Not theirs. My family forced me to talk to the groom of their choice. I told my boyfriend initially about this. He seemed understood but then during a fight he pointed it out and talked ill of me. I was just waiting for a opportunity to talk to my father coz I was leaving away from him until then I have no other choice but to talk to the groom. I wanna say this to my boyfriend and make him understand all this but he never understood and took it on me. I could understand his frustration. I never meant to cheat on him. But he misunderstood it. I never had the intention to cheat him. Talking to the groom they chose was not a very soothing thing for me to do. I was devastated inside doing it. I wanted to die for doing it. He just saw my action not my intention. I just was waiting for a opportunity to talk in a private chamber with my dad so that he could understand. Coz I was in a joint family people would brainwash my dad. And when I got the opportunity I was not able to because of the reasons I told u in the beginning. I really wanna get out of all these things and lead a happy life. But I dont know how to do it. I don’t wanna hurt anybody. I want them to understand my choices of life. When I am willing to understand their situations and sacrificed for it. They could do it too right. Sometimes I just wanna disappear into an oblivion. I dont wanna die. But I feel like doing it.
I wanna scream at my heart and yell at this world my problems and my heart out. I dont even cry or show my worries in my face. Only my bedroom fan and bathroom mirror know all my tears. Nobody wanna ask me how I am feeling. All are concerned about their problems. Their hurt. That’s it.
My boyfriend he knew I am hurt he knew I am suffering but he stresses the fact how much he loves me and took care of me. He fails to think of the part where he did a mistake. Now he is even turning his mistakes into a lot easier one and blames me. Will true love and genuineness cancel of all the other problems a person did uh. And the fact that I am not a expressive person is an issue. People think very low of me. He is kind of thinking that he wants to be with me and marry me in spite of me being doing bad things including wanting to breakup with him.
He thinks that to be a great thing. He says see u did so many mistakes still I wanna be with u love u something which nobody in this 2020 does. That is so sweet of him to do. I appreciate it. But in turn naming me a bad person indirectly is not so cool. The worst part is all these problems happen to me at the same time. Which makes me go insane.
My mom she is affected from schizophrenia for almost 10 years. Even before that she was not a great mom. She had a extra marital affair. She never bothered about me and dad.
She has become so violent now and we are making her take medications for it. She being in this state was a very important reason in me sacrificing a lot of things in my life. My entire college life is damaged as I studied in an insane college. I feel so messed up.
I want help.
Please help me out of my situation.
Thank you.

o
@omkesh

I’m 22 years old boy, a college student and I don’t know whether my problem seems legit to anyone or not. I have both male and female good friends but still, I cant share this problem with them as I don’t want to be seen as weak or to be judged.
I studied in boys school till 12th so I’m shy and introvert. Now I want to change myself and learn everything I missed in my life cause they seem more mature and have more understanding of other aspects of life.

It feels I’m lonely and depressed and I can’t focus on anything and I’m mentally disturbed, I want to get out of this situation as soon as possible. I’m craving to live a normal life.

Actually all of my friends are in a relationship since college or since school days and some of them found true love, and I have never been into any relationship. Also, I didn’t felt anything but, suddenly from last 1 year, I have a very strong feeling to get into a relationship and to be loved. I liked two girls from my college but one is committed and another one likes me as a friend only, but I controlled my feelings for them.
Wherever I see, everyone is in a relationship. I tried Facebook, Insta, tinder, and a few more dating apps but could find anyone who wanna love me.
Whenever I see either a couple or lovers I feel sad also any friend of mine talks about or makes fun of my single life I feel hurt to the very core.
Now life seems meaningless to me. I don’ want to live anymore also don’t want to die.
A few times I tried to cry in the bathroom but not even a single drop of tears came out, this makes me more suffocated.
I know 3-4 boys who are friends (distant), they had slept with many girls and still continuing the same, this makes me feel broken and helpless since they are doing this just for fun. But not even a single girl wanna love me?. Am I that bad? Do I look that bad? Will someone love me ever? I’m losing my self-esteem day-by-day!

I can’t live with these feelings and emotions. Whenever I think of suicide a picture of my family appears. It’s like neither I can live nor die.
To distract from all these I started workout, learning guitar, and dance, still after a few days again the situation becomes the same!
I want transformation and success but these feelings not letting me do anything, I’m unable to accept that everyone is in love for years and I’m still single, none has feelings for me. Now I started hating myself and my life. I’m too depressed!

I don’t know what to do. Please let me know how to handle myself and get out of this situation.
Thank you for your help.

Anonymous

hei,
i am quite aware that i am an overthinker. even the silliest thoughts can give me sleepless night. things which are not wrong to me but yes to the conventional family makes it very scary to experiment or be me completely.thoughts of past and if it might show up in future .
how do i overcome this?thank u

aishwaryaajmani12
@aishwaryaajmani12

Hey!

I can sense that multiple things are making you feel stressed. Be it your past experiences, fighting against conventional methods, experimenting with new ideas, and more. It takes a lot to deal with all of it at once!

When it comes to overthinking, we are majorly stuck with “What-ifs” or “Maybes” or “It might happen”. So basically we are worried about what is going to happen in the future. However we “assume” that everything would go wrong and imagine the worst possible outcome. We turn our negative feelings into facts.

So it’s important to differentiate between feelings and facts when you are trying to deal with a situation. Secondly, it’s important to view the situation from a fair lens than a negatively biased one.

The moment you feel you are spiraling down, breathe and say it out loud in your head “PAUSE”. And do the fact and feeling check.
You will definitely feel better!

If you feel that you have unresolved emotional conflicts, I would suggest that you talk to a therapist about the same in detail.

Good luck!

Anonymous

i am able to relate a lot.great help .thank you

Anonymous

I go back and forth between mental wellness and days when I feel disturbed by my thoughts. I have a lot of coping strategies that I use. I meditate, journal, and read. I feel these things give me perspective and help me maintain a healthy mindset. However, on the days when I don’t feel so good, I contemplate whether I should seek therapy or not. Or whether I should continue managing my mental health on my own, like I’ve always done in the past. This is a question that I keep asking myself.
Thank you for taking out time and reading this 😃 I really appreciate it 😃

aishwaryaajmani12
@aishwaryaajmani12

Hi!
Well, I think if you have this confusion in the first place it means that you already know the answer. That is seeking therapy. Probably we are hesitating a bit here and it’s okay. I do understand that it isn’t an easy decision to make.

It’s good that you have healthy coping strategies but if it’s not working out for you then why not try to seek some new perspectives and new ways of dealing with your concern by a professional!

The delay in the decision might delay the healing so why not try it any which way and see how it goes for you.I feel therapy is one of the safest places to be when it comes to talking about emotional concerns!

Find the right therapist and you are good to go! 😃

Good luck!

a
@agentorange

Hi Aishwarya

I am a guy, 28 years old. Currently pursuing MBA (2nd Year) from an IIM. I have had a pretty good career path but my love life has been pathetic. It has always been like a rabbit running after carrot. In the year 2017, I felt in love with a girl. Being a shy guy I couldn’t ask her for a date immediately. But I have always tried to be a good friend of hers. Even she used to say that I was her best friend. But when I asked her out she clearly said NO. Moreover, she got into relationship with a guy in the same company and I had to take the hard pill of rejection.

Then in my MBA college again the same thing happened. The girl, my best friend said NO and then got into relationship with other guy in the same college. And I had to take the hard pill of rejection. Amid lockdown, for the first time in my life I have felt so desperate for getting into a relationship. I have no idea how to fight these waves of emotion. I thought of going casual, dating random girls. But this doesn’t work for me. Unless I feel something for the girl I don’t feel like taking things further.

More over I get really sad when I see other people getting into relationship or when I watch some romantic videos. It reminds me of the thing I don’t have. I feel lonely. This desperation is increasing day by day. I have tried to keep myself busy but everyday I become prey to this desperate feeling.

Getting married is not an option now as I am studying. Will probably get married by 2022. But how do I go along with these desperate feeling? Or what should I do to get accepted?

Regards