Are they even friends when they reach out in need and never there when you need them?

Friends

Sometimes people just take friends as like a normal thing....just calling them your friend won't make you one ..... You've to behave like a friend ...support them , talk to them , never leave them alone , and introduce them to your other friends too.... FRIEND  is not always a normal person in everyone's life... ! Just because its an easy term to be put on anyone walking by your life doesn't allow you to do so ! 

it's so hard being the 'always there friend' HAHAHAHAH because they don't care about you

Depression

I have no friends

I have some so called friends I was willing to do anything for. I held them close when they were going through difficult time. Went out of the ways to help them. But when I had some bad days and I kept dropping them hints that I'm depressed I need help, they ignored my messages. Luckily I figured out some coping mechanisms and learnt to enjoy my own company.
Now that I have recovered, they all want to be close to me. I don't hate them but I don't feel like I absolutely have to invest in them anymore. Friendship means a lot to me. I always thought my friends would be people I can rely on. As I have been for them. Now I don't want to be the only one putting effort. Some of them try to defend themselves saying that I'm not good at expressing my feelings and I'm bad at communication. I don't know to believe that or not. But I don't find them worth the time and energy like before.
Any stories anyone wants to share?
I feel like I should move on and find more reliable friends. Life hits you everyday with something new. I want my squad with me and seems like these guys are not the one. 

It's so difficult to me to maintain friendships, it makes me wonder how I will do in the future with more serious relationships.
I can form connections. I can go and make friends if I want to, socialize and communicate with a group or a community (with a single person is more difficult and I'm still working on getting better in that aspect yet...).
My only problem is maintaining them and my feelings along the way. In real life happened, but in social media occurs all the time. And the worse of all is I don't know how to feel about this... sometimes it feels wrong, I don't want this to keep happening, yet my actions say otherwise. I encountered a variation of people throghout the short period of life I'm living and I'm sure I will find many different ones, and when I make a connection of some sort, I feel obligated to put effort in maintaining them; I don't want to. Of course every friendship needs effort to make it work, if one wants to be comprehended we need to communicate about ourselves and all that... I just don't feel like it. And it's so selfish from my part, because if I need to talk to someone in a specific moment I go and talk to them but when they do the same (or just want to talk to me in general) I always respond late or make blockages of some sort.
This sounds so wrong. I know what actions I make and what consequences they lead, but the feeling that comes with doing them is stronger than my rational thinking. The constant ignoring, cut off talks, make up excuses, showing lack of interest... sadly just now it starts to sink in even if I was aware of them long time ago.
I want to blame to the way I was raised and how I'm ashamed of showing who I am and showing all kinds of affect towards others, how my inability to show my emotions due to fear of judgement and lack of understanding from others makes me incapable of putting all of me into a connection; making everyone meaningless to me. Also the fact that is difficult to form connections if we're just communicating by internet. 
But obviously, majority of this is a me problem and I won't deny I am at fault. Recognizing the problem is the first step and is good I'm aware. Bad is that I'm not treating it, and that means I'm not taking care of myself good enough.
I noticed my patterns when it comes to join a new community (specially on internet). Everytime someone wants to know me more deeply, I either 1. Walk away (which I have rights to do so if I don't like the person or they're neutral to me but bad if I was really interesed in being friends) 2. Let them, then I leave them into nothingness due to all thr causes I said before. And the cycle repeats itself.
Now that I'm doing a project I'm passionate about, I need to communicate to my partners and the larger community I'm in. Which is fine, I enjoy it and I decided to stay since I'm happy about it. However, it came to the inevitable phase of "we spend a lot of time together time to get know each other deeply" and it's... uncomfortable. I don't want this. I didn't want something more than a surface level. But it's inevitable, and I'm scared. Scared of how I might react, how they will treat me if I fuck up. I don't want this project to go to waste and I want to stop generating them negative emotions, hurting people. And it's so, so difficult. Because I'm so used to loneliness and my own independence, even if I depend in some things I rarely depend and let others in when it comes to my emotional side. I don't even know how my caring side is, since when I do it it feels fake to me it's uncomfortable. And I'm so sorry for the people I left behind without an explanation, for those who I abandoned, didn't give them enough care... I lost them all and even if I appreciate the lesson (or if these people were kinda shitty for my life) I feel the regret and I can't help but feel sorry. It's difficult, super difficult to control something I don't even know what it is... it's a foggy confusion and actions with zero feelings.
I don't know if I'm making sense now. Just a rambling numb dumb text, since that's how I feel most of the time when I'm talking to others. It isn't supposed to make myself feel understood even when at times I crave that. I'm putting my thoughts and feeling into place and trying to figuring out where I go.
I will try, I will try even harder to know how to heal this aspect of myself properly and taking care of others better as I go. It's a mess right now but it's never too late and I believe in myself and the fact that I can find motivation to keep going, like I always been able to get myself of off the ground many times.

Sometimes when i see stories or posts about people i know go out together i feel sad. I know they say if you want to then join them. But im not really close with them and a shy and awkward person. 

I fight with all my friends. I can stay as friends only upto some threshold after that I can't bear the bonding. Why is that so? 

I think I'm accepting this for the first time, but I've always felt alone. Even in school, I had friends but I wasn't really part of any groups. So even if I hadn't come to school one day, I don't think no one would notice. I'm not exactly sad, nor have I been mistreated by anybody. But I just feel more or less invisible, like I never just had one of those personalities that stood out. It's still a struggle, catching up wit hfreidns nand, no one seems available or willing to make an effort. And I understand how everyone's busy but I know that they're not really my friends, merely acquaintances it seems. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts