I get distant when I am mad at myself, Sometimes I don’t know how to feel because I don’t like emotions. I hate romance but I stay for the moments. I don’t even know where my mind is trying to go.I don’t fall fast but when I do I always hold on for just that little bit too long that I get hurt more than I would have. I barely even say anything and SOMEONE always has a story that they’ll twist up and make me the bad guy if I say anything to defend myself I’ll probably make it worse.
I feel like if I told anyone they would listen but wouldn’t care or just think I am attention seeking… I just need someone my age to talk to about the problems, and be able to fight through the problems TOGETHER.
Maybe I should just forget about friends and relationships for a while just to see how and if I feel any better mentally and if I feel like I actually need friends in my life.
On top of all of these stupid dramas I have Assessments assignments and exams to get done, I have VSK I don’t even know how to start it like seriously… The whole class has stated it and nearly fnnished it when I haven’t even started it yet and no of course no one will help me with it because they are all “Too busy”. That’s never me though when someone needs help I would Drop everything and go straight to their aid helping them in any way. I do anything in my power to ensure their happiness… just for them to treat me like trash…
Yes Of course there have been the most amazing times in my life like meeting people, People like Nik I am absolutely the luckiest girl ever to be able to have him in my life he has helped me a lot throughout all of this and he makes me so much happier. Nik makes the moments that make my heart and head explode like dynamite sometimes but I seem to forget about those easier than forgetting about the bad things. I am sick of Being thrown under the bus when All I do is help everyone with everything and anything. I am sick of having rumours started about me when they are nothing but fake and irrelevant. I am sick of having people hating me for no reason whatsoever.
I like it when people vent to me and ask for help because I love helping people and seeing people get all of that stress off their shoulders, I know what it is like to hide your problems so long and have to fake your ok and you are fine, It is the hardest thing to do to act ok when you are crumbling away on the inside… I love it when people vent out to me because I can see that they are so much better once they have gotten it all off their chest. I only listen to people because I can see how big of a change it makes in their life to be able to have that much stress taken off their shoulders, and because when I hear other people whinge It makes me forget about my own mental health and it distracts me from the rest of my life.
I am running out of room to cut on my thighs… I am running out of room in my head to think… I am running out of room in my heart to give… I am running out of mind to give… I am running out of love to spread…
I keep getting blamed for everything. Whether it is a mess in the lounge room, the internet is running out, the birds weren’t fed,
I don’t know what is going on with my mental health like I have been ‘happy’ but not happy you know and like I just feel so depressed and not in spirit no one can make me laugh and Tasha tries to make me happy but I fake a smile and laugh to make her happy. I am sick of it and my head won’t stop spinning I am always shaky and dizzy. nothing makes sense in my head and I just want to end it I am sick of nothing making sense in my head I keep having self-harm thought like I want to hurt myself but I know I am not going to because that will hurt so many more people than just myself and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just need someone to talk to about my head and whatever is going on inside. I can’t talk to Tasha because she won’t understand and she is kind of the reason why I have been really upset. what do I do? I want to end it. I want to end my life for thinking these things I want to end my life for having so many stupid thoughts I am ruining my life and relationship with my overthinking and over reacting. I am sick of it. I don’t want to die at al I just want to be a happier me and me who doesn’t care about what other people say, a me where I am always smiling, A me where I am not ALWAYS faking happiness until it comes. I am just so tired and exhausted for no reason all of the time whenever I get hungry I don’t eat because of what people say about or to me. when I do eat (When my mother forces me to eat dinner or sum) I feel sick straight after it. I just don’t feel that hungry at all. I have been looking at my wrists and wanting to cut myself so bad sometimes I would slip up and cut myself one or two times every couple of days. I know it hurts others but I can’t stop I don’t know why I do cut I just… I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know what is going on in my life, I have nothing to be sad about I mean yeah, I do but it is all in my past although what has happened in the past is always just around the corner of my mind. My head always has my past lurking around in it. whenever I see people hugging or kissing or holding hands I get memories of it and I can’t stop it. Whenever I hear the Discord notification sound or the Discord calling ring tone or whenever I hear the word DISCORD i feel sick and I get memories of my past I can’t ever get it out of my head I really REALLY want to get rid of these memories I try to be happier and I try to ignore the memories but I have had enough and I have finally gotten the balls to tell someone about this stupid problem. I just don’t know what to do. If I talk to my mother she will just tell me to ignore it… that’s what is wrong with this generation of parents…Like I need someone to talk to but no-one like a parent or adult because they DON’T understand. They don’t understand how it is like to live in a society where all people ever do is judge and criticize about every little thing they can find to pick on. I don’t want an adult or parent to talk to because I KNOW what they will say. They will say that the teenagers of this generation are just overreacting and that whatever they are fretting over is just some silly little teenage problem, Well yeah it is because of a ‘Silly little teenage Problem’ to you maybe, but to us teenagers it is a huge issue and you say that you have been a teenager too and you have been through these kinds of things, but no, you haven’t actually… are you saying that you have been stuck in a society where people literally find the smallest little problems to pick on, A society where people put all of their problems onto you and vent out to you and then expect you to be able to fix all of their problems, A society where if you be yourself that so many people will judge you, A society where so many people think they are so much higher than you, A society where there is so much pressure from the rest of the people to be just like them and if you are not like them you would be one of the castaways. Have you been in a society where there are so many labels put onto you all because you might prefer one gender over the other. Have you been in a society where all of the pressure to change history is dumped onto you, I mean you tell us to grow up or act our age when we haven’t been this age before we don’t know how to be ourselves because of the critical society. Have you been in a society where all people care about is your looks, when you try to show your personality no-one cares and no-one pays attention to us. Have you been in a society where the entire generation is addicted to smoking, drinking, Vaping, sex, caffeine and their phones? Have you been in a society where your parents would pressure you into getting the grades that you want them to get, well yeah you probably have so you know what it feels like… SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT TO US?! Have you been in a society where there are people that would literally tell us to kill ourselves because we were different. you would tell us to ignore it… but we can’t because well people are slamming you with stupid comments and nasty words every single day of our lives. We get these nasty and disgusting comments online especially… on TikTok and Instagram and Snapchat, all of the social medias there are always people saying rude stuff to lower you and hurt you… and when we finally get a break from it well then, we have the free time to over think about everything that people have said about us or to us. Adults have you been in a society where every person is the same and if you are not like them then you get thrown away, “Don’t care what people say be yourself, who cares if you are called a castaway or something at least you can be yourself.” Well yeah at least we CAN be ourselves but we still get nasty comments and we still get majorly bullied over it. I am so sorry adults that we may not get the grades you want, I am sorry that we don’t dress like you want us to, I am sorry we don’t listen to the music you listen to, I am sorry that we don’t act like you want us to, I am sorry that we get attitude at random times. I am so sorry adults just let us be teenagers let us go out with our friends, Let us go to Starbucks with our friends let me go shopping with my friends, Let me go on my phone when I am bored. You know what hurts more than what you think? Being so freaking proud of something that we want you to know what we feel like we have accomplished, It might not be much like maybe we have reached 50 subscribers on youtube or 50 followers on TikTok… and you guys show absolutely no emotion like you seem to not care you don’t notice how much effort we put into so many things just to have you shrug your shoulders. Like Parents have some faith in us teenagers be proud of us when we achieve something even if is so small because having your appraisal is one of the best things someone could get…
I have been having mini panic attacks and anxiety attacks and no one has been there with me to help me through it… I have not been able to sleep and I have been really restless. I have not been able to focus on one task without having to be yelled at and told to get back on task. I have been extremely fidgety and I am really really sensitive of loud noises. I have been really socially isolated I just isolate myself in my bedroom and I don’t want any kind of interactions with other human beings. I have been very forgetful and extremely talkative even when people tell me to shut up I just keep talking and I end up annoying people that’s why I don’t talk to people about my problems because then they don’t have to get annoyed and have to deal with hearing my problems and so I don’t keep on going and going about my problems until they leave.
I am just emotionally drained, I have no energy, I feel like I have no motivation, I would just lay on my bed listening to music all day. I Get irritated when someone asks me to do something. I don’t want to feel this way and i have a lot to do but i am just not able to do it and i don’t even know why.
I am get so angry so much easier I get more irritate by the little things in life I need to talk to someone but I don’t know how to. I have been getting heavier mood swings.
When someone asks me how I am I lie just because honestly I don’t even know! I feel like I go through so much on my own I forgot how to ask for help. And when I try to open up I feel like no one cares. How am i feeling today? How am i feeling in these couple of months? I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, i feel like crying all the time, i can’t get out of my bed i can’t eat i can’t sleep i feel like a dead body trying to work and i don’t have anyone to share this with how bad can life be? I’m never understood I’m Always abandoned by people? Am i not worth anything,? I honestly need help but I don’t want to talk to anyone.
there are too many toxic people being rude to me when all i ever do is be nicce to them and give them help when they need it They never check on me, they never ask If I am ok they are never nice to me full stop they are toxic they are rude they are entitled they are narcissistic they are arrogant they are just rats I am sick of there being no nice people in this god damned world I am sick of there being only people who are faking to be your friend then turn behind you and stab you in the back I am sick of being used and being told I am not good enough I am sick of being told to kill myself I am sick of getting told so many things I am sick of being overly sensitive I am sick of letting every bad comment get to me but when someone says something nice I take it to heart when someone says something mean I take to heart and mind I give out pieces of my heart and mind to every one and I don’t think I am going to have much of either my mind or my heart if I keep giving it out like this… I have no one left who will listen to me Nik is always getting his phone taken off him Darius is always leaving me on read Amythest lies about me Amythest and I have been friends for like 4 years now and she STILL talks behind my back she still lies about me she still spreads rumors She is such a toxic hoe and yeah, I see that in her but seriously me being the nicest person I can for her I love her and I try to see past her insecurities and downfalls. I am always nice to her because her Parents are stuffed up drug addicts and I try to support her I am her mother. I include her in things that No one else does. If I ever notice her falling slightly behind I am always I MEAN ALWAY Right behind her and I am always helping her and guiding her along to get to the top again. I guess she doesn’t see what I do for her and how much I do for her. I am always here for her to listen to her rant on about her life and when I try to talk about my own life yeah she would listen but then she would change the subject to something else or someone else like herself. I laugh at her corny jokes I help her in hard times I do her homework if and when she forgets I give her pens and pencils when she forgets them for class I give her notes about what happened in class because she didn’t listen because she was too busy talking. I listen to her complaints and not once have I complained to her. I am so nice to her just for her to go behind my back and spread rumours about me and talk bad about me. I have not made ONE singular true friend in the 6 years I have been at this place. I wish I could have gone to Glen Innes Instead of here UGH. I make so many friends and I am so nice to so many people because I expect it back from them. but no. everyone is fake F.A.K.E I have not made one friend I have not met one person who will ever listen to me and help me and support me when I need it. I know I have mum I can talk to and I really want to talk to her but I don’t want to because she already has enough issues on her plate I feel like if I tried to talk to her she would get overwhelmed… Yeah, she is a strong person I mean the STRONGEST person I know but we all overflow sometime and I don’t want to be the cause of her overflowing.I have NO ONE i can open my mind up to. I have no one I can open my mind up to when I am that person to every one I meet who needs help. But of course I will listen to anyone about their problems because that is just who I am. I have been broken too many times to want anyone else to go through that kind of pain. Maybe if I stop trusting people maybe then life would be easier. No I don’t care I am going to trust people thats just who i am. My parents will never leave me alone about sending nudes on my phone when I was like 13 so like whenever something about sexual predators comes onto tv they are ALWAYS staring back at me expecting me to watch the tv and pay attention. I was cyber bullied and verbally abused by 30 year olds because I didn’t fit into what they liked. it caused some pain on me but no one seems to care that I was hurting because the 30 year old men got what they wanted so no one cared that I was in pain and dying inside I am sick of lying about how I am how are you they ask oh I’m fine I say because I don’t want them having to put up with having to listen to me cry and sook over my oh so pitiful life. I am sick of being hungry but not eating because of what this society says about girls who eat too much I can’t eat too much, I can’t eat too less I can’t eat this I can’t eat that What if I just stop eating. I am sick of having my parents get up me for “Hiding in my bedroom all day and not being a part of the family” They just think I am on my laptop all day playing games and listening to music too loud when in reality I cry in my bedroom, I dance in my bedroom, I cut myself in my bedroom, I sleep, dress, I shame myself, I judge myself and I do everything in my bedroom because it is the only place I love more than myself I love being in my bedroom because no one can judge me no one can see that I am cutting myself no one can see I am crying No one can see me dancing like an idiot I hide in my bedroom because it is the only place I can be myself. I am sick of people not seeing the pain in my eyes, I am sick of people believing the smile on my face I am sick of people saying that I am attention seeking when I am actually reach out for help. I am so sick of life
I want to be able to talk to someone who won’t just leave within 2 days of meeting them I am sick of everything. I am sick of people brushing off all of my problems as if they were nothing to worry about. I am sick of people thinking or saying I am an attention seeking entitled teenager. Yeah I know, teenagers ARE entitled, dramatic, Narcissistic beings but that’s not all of us. What you think I choose to be this way. You think I choose to argue with you, you think I want to be an emotional wreck? You think I would choose to be this way? I am sick of people. When I try to talk about my problems they always either, brush it off, make it about themselves like saying well at least you don’t have depression and anxiety and all the rest of it… because what if I did? Who would you be to tell me I don’t? I am sick of people making my problems about themselves like they’d change the subject, they tell me to shush they just stop listening all together and I am sick of it. I don’t want to feel emotions any more I am sick of my nephew touching me. I am sick of my parents thinking I am being dramatic when I say I don’t want to cook dinner when I am emotionally and physically exhausted They say oh your being dramatic or oh your just lazy when they dont understand what is going on in our lives they say that they have been teenagers too yeah they have been teenagers but not in this society
There is so much stress in being a teenager. Not only do we have the stress of school and getting good grades but now we also have covid to consider and then we have being up to standard in this freaking society, we have to wear this certain outift or we won’t be cool, we have to keep up with all of the TikTok fads and we have to keep studying throughout this, we have so much stress. We have at home family life, we have grades, we have studying, we have to remember Covid rules and regulations, we have to be up to a certain standard in this society, we have the teachers screaming at us for not knowing how to do a question on a homework sheet. We have so much stress put onto us. And as adults always say “Your only kids stop acting like adults” then stop treating us like adults and giving us adult tasks. You can’t expect us to know how to do something if we have never done it before or you’ve never taught us how to do it.
I’m sick of making big deals out of nothing. Making small issues into something that could tear apart our relationship. I am sick of over reacting about little things. I am sick of getting over the top emotional and hurt and sensitive over the smallest of issues
I am sick of being that nice girl that everyone uses and throws under the bus. I am sick of having people ask how I am and having to lie to them to save them from hearing all of my problems, I am sick of having people start rumours about me just because they are jealous. I am sick of dealing with so many dramas. I am sick of Ethan coming into my room just to complain about his life, when I can’t complain to him because he won’t listen. He barges in without knocking and just says “know what I thinks not fair…” or “Know what is really stupid…”.
And then there is Geoff. He is always choosing favourites and ignoring me and Ethan like literally. He makes me feel so bad and he makes me feel useless saying how I can’t do jobs properly, how it is always my fault if the internet isn’t working. If I hurt mum even the slightest he always has to yell at me he always has to talk about me behind my back.
I am sick of hurting people, missing people, wasting people’s time, breaking people, loving the wrong people.
I am sick of having so much on my mind at once I can never focus on one thing that goes on in my head. I am sick of overthinking everything, I am sick of only finding fake people and toxic people.
I hate that My parents think I am overreacting about everything when I’m actually thinking, overthinking quite a lot. they think I’m stupid and useless make stupid excuses. I don’t cry because I want to.
I am sick of being that girl who tries her best to be good enough for every one just to be turned down and used.
I’ve been keeping so much inside, waiting until I can find someone I can open up to. It’s worked pretty good until now like things are really getting serious I think I’m running out of room… I’ve seen everyone at school with someone that they can give their darkness to and not be judged about it or have it spread around the school in a rumour. I just need someone that I can trust because I know Loyalty doesn’t come for free. but like I need someone at school that I can go to about anything without them hating me for wasting their time or having them say Oh its ok I’m here for you. but then totally forgetting that I exist. People just want me for the day until they don’t and I am sick of it. I am sick of having people use me because I am nice. I am sick of being that nice girl who gets thrown under the bus. I am sick of Amythest lying and spreading lies about me even though we have been “Friends” for like 4 years now, even after what we had been through she still complains that I am not even a good enough friend.
Maybe I am not good enough, Don’t try to tell me that I am good enough because what if I am not, what if I am not good enough for anyone? Don’t worry about what other say though you are good enough. No. I disagree what if I am not good enough I always get told that I’m not so why not start to believe it? I have been told by many people that I’m not and that I am worthless and useless. I have seen other people get treated like this and I hate how it is I try to talk to the victims of these kinds of situations to try and lift a bit of the weight off their shoulders because I know how much it hurts and how much stress it puts onto you. I love it when people can vent to me because It makes me think that They can trust me and I know how good it feels to be able to talk about your problems with someone who understands.
I overthink about Nik and I know none of it is true I try to make myself believe that but it is a bit hard when Nik is kinda shady like the day before yesterday I told him to stop talking to Tasha and my friends because it makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I am not good enough for him so he has to talk to other girls. When he talks to my friends it makes me overthink. When he talks to my friends I get set on edge I feel sick and dizzy and tired and he doesn’t even notice what he is doing to me. So I told him to stop because it made me uncomfortable, I don’t know if he actually did or not and I honestly feel so bad not being able to trust my own boyfriend but it is what life led me to believe so far. If he can’t prove to me that some-how he isn’t talking to Tasha still BECAUSE I MEAN yesterday he asked what I would do if I found out that he was still talking to Tasha now if you ask me that is actually a bit sus in my eyes. I told him that I would just be disappointed but I lied. I just lied to my boyfriend. If he is still talking to that girl by Monday then I am breaking up with him because if he doesn’t respect my opinions and he doesn’t care about what makes me uncomfortable and he goes behind my back to do things that I don’t want him to do then I can’t have that in a relationship. I respect his boundaries I respect what makes him uncomfortable and I don’t do it behind his back. I don’t even talk to ANY guys apart from the odd dude at school but I haven’t been to school in weeks… Nik has to see that what he has done and what he is most likely doing right now is hurting me and it is making me feel like I can’t trust him. I don’t want to feel that so he needs to pull his head out before I break up with him. And of course I don’t ever want to break up with him but he is kind of setting me on edge when he talks to other girls. I don’t care if he talks to his friends from school even if they are girls it just MY friends that when he talks to them I get upset, uncomfortable on edge, jealous and all the rest of it.
“Adults tend to recognize the signs and symptoms of anxiety, but girls may not know what they’re experiencing. If girls are avoiding sleepovers or birthday parties, having trouble following directions at school, experiencing outbursts of anger, nail biting, lip chewing, frequent urination, restlessness, changes in eating habits, or irritability, then they could be experiencing anxiety, which varies in severity. “- internet somewhere.
I have a feeling I have ADHD not only I think that, Nik thinks it too and so does Darius. I don’t really know what ADHD really is I have done some research about it and I feel like I do have it because all of the symptoms are there and I relate to everything they are saying in the blog. I am always overthinking about the smallest most irrelevant things like whether or not Nik is talking to Tasha or Amythest Or Ashley or Alliyah. I have a really short attention span like in class when the teacher is talking I’d pay attention for like 5 minutes and then I’d get bored and lose interest and draw and talk. I am really fidgety like in class I would be sitting there tapping my pencil, drawing on the desk, playing with my rubber or something else that annoys people. I am super talkative at the wrong times even when people tell me to stop I’d just keep talking. During class I would talk to my ‘friends’ getting us both in trouble. I have random moments where my breath gets all shaky and shallow, I find it hard to breathe, I get all shaky, nothing in my head makes sense and my head is always going round and around and I get really dizzy as if I was going to fall over. I overreact over the smallest things like Ethan poking me or Morgen coming into my room without knocking I’d always yell at them and I feel terrible for doing it. I always interrupt people making them mad and I just speak over top of people because I get excited when I remember something about what they are talking about. I am extremely sensitive so like when Ethan says something ‘Jokingly’ I always take offence and cry or I’d babble nonsense and go hyper. I can’t sit still whether I am at home or at school I am always fidgeting or something like bouncing my leg, laying with my hair or cracking my knuckles. I am really easily distracted like I’d see a bird out the window in class and I would be mesmerised and distracted for half the lesson. I can’t sleep at night because I am always thinking and overthinking and overlooking all of the little mistakes I have made to hurt people. I can never relax properly. I am always exhausted after doing the smallest of tasks. I am getting distant with myself and my family, I ‘Hide’ in my bedroom all day every day because it is the one lace where I can, be myself without being looked at, feel comforted, can cry and no one asks why I am crying because if someone had asked why I was crying I would then have to try and figure out why I was crying and I would start crying again and I am afraid that I will never be able to stop. I feel like I can’t trust people with anything (Hence why I am typing this up not talking to someone about it.) I am always trying to make others happy and make other people love themselves and I totally forget about myself I forget about my mental health I am too busy helping other people that I have forgotten to help myself. I always space out a lot like I could just lay in bed and stare at the roof for hours that feel like minutes. I am constantly thinking about one thing or another, I can’t ever think straight, I get off track and change subject too often and regularly. I get bigger mood swings that hurt not only myself but the people around me and people who love me. I feel lost and alone even when I am in a room with 5 other people in there with me talking and making noise. I am extremely sensitive to loud noises like thunder, loud rain on a tin roof, trucks, helicopters/planes, busy shopping centres etc. I get frazzled easily. I feel socially distant when I lock myself in my bedroom and I like it like that but my mum doesn’t and she can’t see what I do in my bedroom she can’t see the number of tears that have fallen from my eyes in this room. She doesn’t know how much I hide in my head she doesn’t understand what is going on in my life… not even I do. I am easily stressed out over silly little things and I worry too much like Nik would go for 5 minutes and I would have already come up with 50+ things about why he left because he hates me, he got in trouble, he hurt himself, his mum called him, Tasha called him etc. I’m never really hungry but when I am I eat and feel sick straight afterwards. I get bored really easily unless I am doing something I enjoy. I go hyper easily. I just want to sleep all day even though I am not tired I just want to sleep until I am not a teenager any more. I always feel like I need to try harder when it comes to school work or homework and it sucks because I have no faith in myself and I don’t believe in myself so how am I supposed to get good grades? I daydream a lot I just randomly space out and sit there staring into space for minutes. I pay attention to the things that I shouldn’t be I pay attention to the background music in an educational video. I pay attention to how many birds fly past the classroom window. I pay attention to how many times the teacher gets up from his chair. I pay attention to the wrong things.
I get into random moments where I want to hurt myself and I try my hardest not to hurt myself I end up pulling my hair and rocking back and forth Nik always yells at me when I do that because he thinks I am upset and I am hurting myself when I pull my hair and he always asks whats wrong and I can never answer properly because I don’t even know whats wrong with me. He says there is nothing wrong with me mum says there is nothing wrong with me. But I really feel like there IS something wrong with me.
I just hate myself. I am so lonely. and I hurt so much. maybe I am not good enough for anyone. I can never do things right I always screw up the smallest tasks I always lose things, I forget things I am useless. I was so concerned with getting through today and dealing with the fact that Nik was gone that I didn’t even have a hint about how I would feel tomorrow. then I realised that i don’t wanna feel tomorrow I don’t want to know what is going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know what is going on in my life. I don’t know what is going on in my head I don’t want to spend time with my family I don’t want to spend time with anyone. I want to hide in my bedroom and not have contact with the outside world but my mum won’t let me I want to live my life how I want to I want to be what I call a teenager I want to be myself
Don’t ask what happened or why I am upset next time. Because then I am going to have to try to come up with an answer and then I will start crying and I’m afraid that I might never be able to stop… I just need the pain to be gone and the memories to be gone. Sometimes it even hurts so bad that I can’t breathe. I just want someone I can open up to. I want someone who understands what I am going through I want someone who I can talk to I want so much in someone and you are the best I can get and I am so happy I have you but you are always disappearing and well yeah and I just need someone to open up to a little I wish I could talk to you about what is going on in my head but I don’t even know what is going on inside of me. I feel like I am falling apart. I am never HAPPY I am “happy” when I am with you I am the happiest I have ever been when I am with you and when I can hear your voice but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to die. I want to end it all. but I am not going to because I know that will hurt my family more than anyone else I know.
I get into these moods where I hate myself, I hate life and I hate the people around me. I don’t know why
“Many teenagers in today’s world are affected by society’s projection of self-image. They go through extreme measures just to look like these “perfect” people and in result; harm themselves in the process.”- somewhere on the internet again
If you give up on me, I’m going to give up on me too.
You know those little voices in your head that tell you to remember things or tell you what is right and wrong? Well I think mine is broken because it doesn’t help me at all, It doesn’t tell me to remember things, it doesn’t tell me what is right and wrong wit doesn’t help me at all. If anything it makes it worse. That little voice in my head won’t leave me alone about how much of a let down I am and how unworthy, not good enough, ugly and useless I really am. That little voice screams at me and demands me to do things and if I don’t do it, it just gets louder and louder until I can’t take anymore. That is why I listen to music loud because it is too loud for me to hear my own thoughts. I can’t hear myself think when my music is blaring in my ears and yeah, loud music is damaging my ears but what’s worse, one, being told to kill yourself, cut yourself or, two, listening to loud music with a little possibility that I might have hearing problems when I am older.
“It’s funny how you’re nice to my face. It’s hilarious how you talk behind my back. And it’s downright comical that you think I’m unaware. Don’t fear the enemy that attacks you, but the fake friend that hugs you. Fake people don’t surprise me anymore, real people do. Sometimes the people you’d take a bullet for, are the ones behind the trigger. Before you count your friends, make sure you can count on them. Some friends are only around when they want something from you but are never there when you need something from them. I’ve got more respect for someone who comes out and says they don’t like me than for the ones who act like they do but talk bad about me when I’m not around.”- internet
I want to look into a mirror and see someone that will love my own reflection more than how much I hate myself. No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself. So any mean thing someone’s gonna think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour! I don’t really care what you think about me because it’s guaranteed that you’ll never be able to hate me more than I hate myself, so go ahead. All I want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because it is killing me on the inside. I’m that girl that suddenly stopped talking because I felt like I was bothering people.
On top of all that we have double standards and expectations and stereotypes.
I check in on EVERYONE else. Why cant someone at least check in on me?
Everyone is always too busy to help me or hear me.
My logic is simple, if I have 2 earphones in stuff off and leave me alone, if my hands are in my pockets don’t touch me,
If I am zoned out I’m fine leave me alone, If I’m walking alone I feel unwanted around people, If I have a tightened fist walk away, If my head is down I am just tired, If I am silent I am overthinking, If I am bouncing my leg then please ask if I’m ok, If I am not at school I am struggling to stay alive.
Me barely living and giving it my all not to give up for that one person then there is Being used by everyone… Getting manipulated… Forgiving but having to deal with the same toxic cycle… Dark mental health episodes… Getting replaced all the time and feeling worthless 24/7…
I listen to my music. Yeah I know I listen to it loud probably too loud but Music is the only thing that keeps me at peace while I’m falling to pieces.
When I eat- Stop eating, you ate a lot, fat, that’s enough for you, oeverweight, tyou gained weight, you weigh too much for your age, im still hungry…. VS when I do eat You didn’t eat, I’m not hungry, flat, you haven’t touched your food, eat more, underweight, you ost even more weight, skinny, stick, you weigh too little for your age, your gonna turn anorexic, Don’t wear leggings your legs are too skinny. You have no butt why are you wearing leggings?
I am always that friend who has to walk behind the group when the path isn’t big enough. I’m
I know you want the old Shona back but I can’t find her anymore. I tried.
I have been feeling Broken, Sad, lonely, hurt, upset, alone, depressed, suicidal, angry, hateful, breaking down, screaming, dead, empty, nothing, crying, shouting, giving up, cutting, horrible, down, hollow, worthless, misunderstood, incapable, distressed, lost, pathetic, ashamed, bitter, forced, uneasy, tense, dominated, pessimistic, untrustworthy, distrustful, fearful, crushed, offended, aching, wronged, shaky, timid, wary, victimised, tortured, pained, lifeless, cold, dull, nervous, scared, suspicious, alienated, numb, stressed, bruised, useless, clueless, confused, betrayed, fragile, on the verge of tears, anxious, about to break down, ready to give up, annoying, I’m just a burden, distant, lonely, rejected, I feel like I am going to fall apart at any moment, empty, defeated, never good enough, tired, bored, overwhelmed, touch starved, bad, emotionally and physically exhausted, Your nothing, ugly, trash, dumb, no one likes you, your grades are terrible, worthless, lazy, idiot, reckless, careless, sad, retard, lonely, annoying, unpopular, I hate you, un-worthy, rejected, failure
“I don’t want to go to school” was a sign of help mum I’m being bullied, teased, told to kms, end my life, no one likes me, I get yelled at for zoning out. I get in trouble for sleeping when I barely sleep at night. I have all of the pressure of the other kids at school to be good enough and up with the new craze’s and I have to be pretty I have to be skinny I have to be nice I have to have a body count I have so many things I need to do at school so when I ask to stay home let me I have obviously had enough of school and I need a break I have been dealing with that kind of crap for 10 years and I am really feeling it now.
i’m so sick of myself,i hate everyone nobody caares aabout me, nobody stays with me so i dont want to depend on anyone. i dont want to be alone. I’m the forgotten friend I never get included in things I don’t get things I don’t get invited. No one notices when I am away or when I am crying in the bathrooms no one comes in to check in on me what that is all I do for them. self harm, I just want to be ok, i hate myself, whats wrong with me.
Someone asks if I am ok…
What I say- Yeah I am just a little tired
What I say in my head- No I am not ok, I am useless, I am annoying, I am loud, I am nothing, I am worthless, I am no one, I am sensitive, I am tired, I am sick of being used, I am sick of having people call me attention seeking for doing the things I do. I am always overthinking things like did I make her cry, it is all my fault, why did I do that, was I too loud, Why did I say that, Did I say something. I am always over reacting at the smallest of issues, I am always making big deals out of nothing I get hurt over the smallest little insult, I cry like a baby too much, I can’t eat, I don’t eat, I can’t sleep, I don’t sleep, I miss Nik, I can’t do anything to help myself, I have gone to mum about it but she says start a diet a healthy body means a healthy mind. I. can’t. eat. I don’t know what to do anymore I want to cry. I want to scream. I don’t know what to do. When I cut myself I feel so much better. When I look at Nik’s face I cry because I know what I am doing to myself right now is hurting him as well I want to apologise to him but knowing him he will just say its fine. But it isn’t I know it isn’t I have treated him so badly lately. I have been so distant from him, I have been telling Amy things that I haven’t been telling him and he thinks that I can’t trust him when I would trust him with my life I am just not telling him because he doesn’t need more stress on his mind than he already has. I want to give him a hug I want to feel him in my arms I just want to see Nik. Why is he so far away I wish we could have lived just a little closer so we could at least see each other like once a month. It isn’t fair everyone else has a boyfriend or girlfriend that they get to see every day, they get to give each other hugs and kisses but not me and Nik, no, we are stuck sending each other virtual hugs and kisses. I am sick of having to wait I just want to stop feeling once and for all. I want to feel nothing but affection for Nik and my family. I wish I could stop thinking the things I think. I wish I could sleep, I wish I could eat. I wish I could be accepted in society as who I am not who I am not. I wish I could actually go out in public without the fear of what other people are thinking about me I want to be able to see my friends without thinking that they are using me or they are just going to replace me. It is hard having to do all of this stuff I am only a kid why do I have to go through all of this. All I need is a few hugs and kisses from Nik and I would feel so much better I would feel so much happier. I don’t know what is going on with me and whatever it is I don’t like it at all. I recently saw a Tik tok of how small we really are compared to the rest of the universe and turns out… we are like nothing compared to everything else so why would it matter if one of us just disappears and doesn’t come back. So what if someone dies what difference is it gonna make there will be a whole new person to take my place if I died. I wish I could just stop thinking about this stuff. I wish I could go back to how I was before I started feeling like this.
And there I sat crying alone. Waiting for someone, anyone to help me. For someone to hug me but Instead I didn’t get help. At all.
I wonder how long it would take for people to actually notice if I just… Stopped talking.
FINE. Talk bad about me. Replace me. Ignore me. Pretend you never knew me. Pretend that you never told me all of your deepest secrets. Leave me on delivered. Victimise yourself. Blame me for everything. Make me cry for hours on end. Thrown shade on my name. act like we were never best friends. But never forget how I was there for you when no one else was. I have more issues than I could possibly count. And on my worse days I’ll go from happy to sad in a matter of seconds. I don’t always like myself I’ll even think that no one else likes me either. I’ll push people away.
Dear mum and dad-
Sorry. You maybe asking why I am sorry, I am saying sorry because I am a disappointment I’m sorry I can’t make good enough grade for you, I’m sorry I can’ live up to your expectations I’m sorry I don’t dress the way you like I’m sorry I don’t listen to the music you like I am sorry I don’t have the friends you want me to. Sorry I don’t act like you want me to. Sorry I don’t spend time with the family like you want me to. Sorry I don’t eat as much as you want me to and when I do I eat too much. I’m sorry I can’t do my chores properly. .I am sorry I am emotional I am sorry I am sensitive.
Mum always says I am on my laptop too much, I talk to Nik too much. When she has a husband that she gets to see everyday of her life, yeah she is a 50 year old woman and I am a 15 year old girl but I still want to see my boyfriend I want to talk to him every day I want to be able to check in on him even if he doesn’t check in on me. I want to be able to see him when I want to see him. I want to be able to have a phone so I can talk to him easier because if I get a phone I can go out into the living room and spend time with the family and occasionally texting Nik or I can go outside and still be able to text Nik and have fresh air. I miss Nik every day of the week that’s what mum doesn’t understand she thinks I am just obsessing over a boy when I love this boy more than anything in the world (Other than my family ofc) Mum doesn’t let me talk to him during the week she doesn’t let me talk to him sufficiently during the weekend because she is always dishing out jobs on the weekends. When I try to come to her about letting us on during the week she always says no or she makes a big deal out of it saying how what she gives us is never good enough or something like that. Like mum I just want a phone to be able to be included in things with my ‘Friends’ I want to be able to know what my ‘friends’ are talking about when they talk about the latest tiktok trend. I want to be able to call and text my boyfriend. If I was to get a phone I would do my chores and I would earn money how ever I can to be able to afford data so I don’t use the internet. I know she can’t trust me but I just want her to see that I am trying and I have changed… quite a lot actually. I want mum to see that I am a teenager and I want to be a teenager with a phone and a life. I want a phone to talk to Nik to talk to mum when I am at school when I need her. To talk to my friends. To be able to keep up with these new trends.
I’m so sick of myself.
I am sick of people joking around with Eating disorders and mental disabilities. I am sick of people getting angry at me for feeling emotions. I would get mad or jealous and people would yell at me fo it. I am sick of it. I ruin friendships. I ruin friendships. I ruin everything and I am sick of it I want to end it all. I want to stop feeling so people would stop yelling at me or stop getting angry at me for feeling.
Imagine being on the brink of a mental breakdown and literally being on the verge of tears when someone else comes over out of literally no where and sits at your table with her head in her arms on the table and of course your “best friend” goes straight to her and she starts comforting her and telling her it will be ok.
I can never escape from myself. My head and all the voices in my head are always so loud. I am pushing everyone away because I am not myself right now.
What people don’t stay long enough to notice is that behind my loud and annoying personality is just a girl who wants to run away and just disappear.
Whenever I play with my earrings, If I bit my lips If I am always zoning out, if I hold my stomach, if I fidget with my rings, If I can’t sit still, My leg is bouncing, I grab my neck, I randomly just stop talking mid-sentence, If I stare at my food but don’t eat, If I am walking slow, if my head is in my arms… I am on the brink of tears just leave me alone.
I just want a day where it feels like I’m not falling apart anymore. Behind my laugh I’m falling apart. I’m hurt. I don’t know why I am hurting I just am. Don’t ask why I am upset, hurt, sad or mad because then I would have to try to figure out why I am upset and I would just start crying all over again. I am hurt. Mentally and emotionally. But every day I walk around with a smile on my face. Because that’s who I am. I am that girl who never stopped smiling and is always happy and joyful and helping other people even though they hurt me in return. Sometimes literally all I do is lie in bed and hope that I fall asleep before I fall apart. I thought I was getting better a few weeks ago, I honestly did. But sometimes I just lay in bed at 3am, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with and why I am never good enough for anyone. EVER.
I am falling apart and literally no one has noticed that I am not myself anymore. I am not that Shona that every one knows and likes, I have changed and I can’t stop, I don’t know why I am changing and why I can’t stop it.
I don’t like having people calling me attention seeking or saying my life is perfect and I have nothing to be depressed about.
I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind I fall behind I think I’m hurting It’s all makes no sense The voices in my head They’ll never end Anxiety is now my friend I think I’m drowning myself I’m lost inside my mind I overthink every goddamn time Telling myself that it won’t be fine I’m lost, it’s all a blur Too many nights to remember I’m what they call an irrational overthinker I can’t seem to do anything right for anyone Too many questions A sick obsession Kinda like a movie that never ends
And now the villain is my friend I think I’m drowning myself These thoughts will linger Pointing fingers at myself.
It is just the fact that I can be so upset and depressed I literally hate this school. I am stuck at a school where you have to be popular, you have to have big boobs, you have to be smart, pretty, tall, skinny, you have to be perfect. It just really hurts when someone says something like I don’t have a reason to be upset or my life is perfect. I hate how people can just assume shit about others and get away ith it. I am absolutely sick and tired of people thinking having depression or having anxiety means you are suicidal or you self harm. I mean yeah some people do self harm and some people do kill themselves but that is a whole other story. Being depressed in some cases is feeling lost in some ways and feeling lonely even when and if you are surrounded by heaps of people, having anxiety and depression is being afraid of the future in some ways. Being depressed DOES NOT mean you are suicidal and you self harm. I have both anxiety and depression I self harm and I am suicidal some times but that doesn’t mean that is what all of the depressed people and people with anxiety. What people need to realise that not everyone who is struggling mentally want to kill themselves or want to self harm.
My head is getting too much, I don’t know how to cope anymore, I have tried self-harming and I just never do it deep enough. I want to do deeper. I want to do bigger. I really don’t like the stereotypes these people make up about me just because I have cuts or scars or burned. I just can’t anymore. I have had enough.
Everyone thinks that I am such a happy person and that I have it all together, then hen they see my cuts they do nothing but whisper and stare and spread rumours about me. I am hurting. I am hurting all the time I don’t know why I am hurting. I just am. And it fucking sucks. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head thoughts of not being good enough thoughts about not being as perfect as others. I am just sick of my life okay? I want to end it, the only reason I am alive is him, Why can’t he see that, I love him so much. But I am treating him like shit all the time I am not a good girlfriend for him
Parents: “It’s your phone. Give it to me.”
Friends: “I don’t care.”
Online friends/strangers: “Talk to me”
Pillow: “go ahead, punch me, scream at me, cry on me. I’m here for you”
Childhood Stuffed animal: “Don’t lose me I am your best friend forever.”
Sleep: “I help you escape reality because I care for you”
You’re such an outstanding, special and talented human being on this massive Earth. Even though Mondays are trash, You make them far better.
This is to the girls that stay up all night listening to music that reminds them of their current situation. To the girls who hide their fears, their hurt, their pain and their tears under all the smiles and laughs on a daily basis. The girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Girls who pray that things will workout just once. The girls who scream and cry into their pillows because the rest of the world fails to listen. The girls who have it hard, but don’t let anyone know, girls who may never have it easy. The girls that have so many secrets but will never tell a soul. Girls who have regrets and mistakes on a daily basis. The girls who never in or may never win. Girls who stay up late at night thinking about whether he will ever notice her. The girls who get whatever get and don’t throw a fit about it. And lastly the girls who love with all their heart but always end up getting heartbroken.
I have lost everyone. I sit alone in class I sit alone at recess. No one likes me. I have people hating me I have to lie to people about how I feel because I don’t want them knowing how I really feel because I don’t actually know what is wrong and if I even try to tell them I will end up breaking down on the spot and not knw ow to stop crying because I am mentally fucked up and I need help. I help people with anything they need but as soon as I need someone they all run away because they don’t want to hear it and to them all I am doing is attention seeking. I try to reach out to get help and no one wants to really help. It is fucking sad and I don’t know what I need anymore. I am scared of myself.
My mum took the last of my blades yesterday but I just got more. I am now hiding them under my floor. I don’t want to cut at all but sometimes I just feel like I have to because I can’t cope. I don’t want to be covered in scars when I am older I want to be able to wear short shorts and I want to be able to wear whatever I want without the constant fear of people seeing my scars. I am scared that I am going to cut too deep someday and bleed out. I am scared of losing the people closest to me. Oh wait I already have I only have my boyfriend left but now he is mad at me because I overthink and I though he was cheating on me yesterday… I am so scared of losing him. I don’t want to lose him, he is the only one who truly makes me the happiest I have ever been before and I really miss him. I just can’t anymore.
Don’t you love cheaters and fake friends?
So recently Nik Tasha and Dekota and I got into multiple huge fights and I am not going to go into that or I will cry.
Anyway um A lot has happened and I mean a lot like I just feel so much more depressed. Oh and I started an antidepressant but I stopped taking them because they made me feel even worse than I originally felt. So you know I stopped taking them. Nik and I broke up but then got back together and everyone except Niks family knows we got back together so now I have a bunch of kids hitting on me and flirting with me at school.
Oh my god don’t even get me started on fucking exams and assignments. I am behind in EVERY class. I am getting detentions every day and I am always stressed because of school. I want to drop out but mum won’t let me. I want to just quit school, I mean you don’t need school to become a singer. Or an Author. Or a ballerina. Or a social media influencer. I want to just leave school.
I have more scars than friends.
It always seems like I am doing so good and then I feel like I’m not enough again? I can’t make anyone happy. And when I try to be a good friend I just get shut out or ignored. I’m done. I’m done trying to be perfect for people who couldn’t care less about me. It’s terrible how I am such a fucking caring person but I don’t feel any of that energy coming back. I run boys away because of my past. I am tired of trying to please people and trying to find my purpose. Like what’s the point in feeling like this? I am tired of being compared to those other girls and being judged for mistakes. I am done with that feeling that I am not enough and that I am losing people. I don’t need anyone. And I shouldn’t care what other people think. I need to stop getting in my head. I work myself up and then I feel depressed again. Crying every night. Maybe I am insecure because every relationship I have been in, I’ve never been enough for that person so I am scared that it is always going to be that way.
I have cried every night these past few days, I’ve let my own thoughts make me surrender and believe what they are telling me. I mean I guess that there is a tiny part of me that holds on to people after they leave. I overthink a lot it causes me to miss out on a lot of good things. I wish I could be like my friends who just say and do what they want. But I’m not. I wish I could be one of those people who are so confident they can walk up and talk to anyone. I wish I was like one of those people who would be themselves around people they don’t know. Like I am tired of caring a little too much about people. I mean 50% of them don’t care and the other 50% just take me for granted. I’m just tired. I am tired of all the lies and the people letting me down. Making pormises that I know they can never keep. Trusting too much and I’ve fallen too hard. I have lost who I was and that scares the hell out of me. My heart can’t take much more disappointment and I can’t keep losing myself to people who just don’t care. I’m over their act of caring and playing like a friend. The damage is done. You made me weak and threw away my strength I hope your happy. I am sorry. I am so sorry that I am never enough I am sorry that every time I fall in love it’s always my heart getting hurt. I am sorry that I don’t always have a good attitude I am sorry that I care too much and fall apart too easily I’m sorry that I am always the one crying myself to sleep every night or blacking out because all I do is cry. I’m sorry that I get scared and over think. I am sorry that I am failing school because I am trying to save myself. I’m sorry that the day we met I didn’t know you would leave. I am sorry that the only thing that is making me stay is because everyone is relying on me. Iam sorry that I lost myself trying to please everyone and now I am losing everyone else trying to please me. I am sorry that I am not good enough and I never will be. And yeah I know I say sorry too much I think I am annoying even when I am not. If you give me a compliment I won’t believe you. I rarely open up to people because I am terrified of getting hurt again. I overthink things and I always think that I am doing something wrong. I like to help other people with their problems because it helps me distract myself and so I can hide from my own problems. When I tell you to leave me alone please don’t go. Even if I tell you continuously. When I’m moody I say shit I don’t mean at all. I can’t fucking sleep. Because my heart is ALWAYS at war with my mind over some guy that I think I love but he has hurt me so much.
Isn’t it funny how you can be so fucking depressed and literally no one notices? With your head on the desk and your leg bouncing. Eyes glazed over, two airpods in, staring into no where, not talking. Like how can you just NOT see the sgns?
I mean like I try so Hard to make everyone else happy. I am so fucking broken that I can feel it. I mean physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body. I lie a lot. I lie when I say I am busy. I mean I AM busy, just not in a way most people would understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing those irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay. Sometimes, this is my busy, and I will not apologise for it. It takes a lot of truth to gain trust. But just one lie to lose it all. Most people I have met I hope have learned this. Sometimes I just have to stay silent because no word can explain the shit that is going on in my head and in my heart.
He may not believe me but I literally gave him my entire world. My mind is trying to get him out of my head. But my heart is holding onto every single word that you ever said to me.
yesterday never in my life I felt so alone I could literally go through my messeges and find no one to vent my suffocated feelings to ,there were plenty people on my list ,many have been venting their feelings and all their unfortunate happenings to me. Maybe it iis me. I couldn’t do the same back to them because I am scared of getting hurt. I don’t want to waste their time. Or I don’t want to annoy them, I don’t want to seem like I am attention seeking. I don’t want to make it seem like I only care about myself. Or is it because I don’t want to show them this side of me , weak ,fragile ,emotionally wrecked. they don’t know this me.
I’m feeling lost. I am both sad and happy. I want to do lots of amazing things but I feel extremely lost. I feel weak and lonely, I want to vent out but something also stops me, no one I know would understand. My parents would never understand. I am almost 16 and I’ve never truly felt myself, never understood who I am or what I can be. I’ve never opened to anyone about anything and everything that I have kept inside is killing me. I want to vent but I can’t, word never come out, only “I am fine”. which is a lie. I am never really fine. I try to be positive as much as I can but that’s only on the outside because I never want anyone to feel what I feel, I try not to be an instrument of suffering for others but I am to myself.
Mum, This is for you. This is what I want to say to you, but I can’t, for fear of what you’ll say or do to me. These are the words I wish I could tell you without fear of rebuttal. These are the words that thunder in my head when I get angry or sad or frustrated. This is what I need to tell you, but I can’t because of how you will react and then control my life. I’m not perfect. I never will be. Yet you seem to not understand how I work. I am an extremely emotional person. I feel and act on my gut, even if it is not planned out. Sometimes you praise me for it, sometimes you condemn me for it. Sometimes I vent, not because I need a solution, but because venting releases this pressure on my heart, and lifts the weight from my shoulders. I try not to show you how I feel because you ALWAYS judge me for it, say you aren’t, and then continue to belittle me for feeling. I can’t even contradict you for fear of you grounding me. I am afraid that if you ask what’s on my mind, and I share what I am actually feeling and thinking, you will get mad at me for answering completely truthfully. But there are also times when I am so angry, the thoughts in my head turn to radio silence, and I can’t decipher this foreign language. There are so many things I want to tell you but I can’t. I want to tell you I’m Pansexual, but you would just say I’m confused, or following a trend, or that I’m just gay because my friends are. That’s not the case. I want to tell you, I’m not Christian, without you saying that I just need to re-evaluate my relationship with God, or saying that I’m wrong. I want to discuss my beliefs and views on topics without you shoving what I am “supposed” to think down my throat. I want to tell you that I like something without you psychoanalysing me because of it. I can just like something because I don’t need a reason. Mum, you say you love me unconditionally. But why does that love feel conditional on me behaving and acting in a way that you find acceptable? Just because I look like you does not mean that I am you. I have different goals, I have different beliefs. I AM MY OWN PERSON!!! I want to tell you that I don’t want to be a stereotype. I don’t want a big wedding, with a fancy white dress. I don’t want it to be held in a church. I don’t want to bear children. It’s not that I don’t ever want children, but I can adopt if I really want one! I want to tell you that I struggle with body image, and not have you ask where it came from. I want to show you the real me, but how can I when you could never love me for the way I am? You would love me “despite” or “even with” it. I want you to love me REGARDLESS! Because I am emotional. I feel everything. I’m not “hormonal” or “tired” or “stressed” or “hungry”. At that point, I am just so done, I can’t help being honest with you. I wish I could show you the real me. Not your “perfect daughter”. I am messy, I am still only 16. I’m mature physically, but in some ways I still am a kid. But you can only ever see me in one or the other. But I’m somewhere inbetween. And your “I really do love you”s feel more like an afterthought than an apology. Mum, I love you. But you hurt me so, so much.
I have heard the quote “The prettiest smiles hides the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tear. And the kindest hearts have felt the pain.” And I swear I can’t relate to a quote any more than I relate to this one.