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Anonymous

Am I wrong for not letting my partner go to restaurants where the servers serve food in lingerie or certain restaurants like Twins … is this some form of insecurity ? I am not acting out of jealousy I just find it sorta disrespectful if they were to go…
I need opinions

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4 replies
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Anonymous

So, I personally don’t think I would like it too. I mean, once as a prank or as something funny is probably okay but I don’t understand the need to only go to such restaurants.

The only difference in my relationship now is, if it were my toxic ex… I would’ve had to tell him that I don’t feel comfortable or don’t like it and HE WOULD STILL go there and mock me for being jealous. While if the situation were reversed, if the servers were half-naked men, he wouldn’t have been able to handle that. (I’m a cisgender, straight woman)

Skip to my relationship with my current partner, he not only takes care of the things I explicitly tell him but also pays attention to small things like these that I probably don’t openly talk about, but he knows I won’t like it. I think it is just about your partner putting themselves in your shoes and not doing the things they themselves wouldn’t like.

Not sure if this was a suggestion or advice but I guess what I’m trying to say is that you could probably try communicating with him that you don’t particularly feel too great about it, but if he consciously chooses to ignore the things that bother you instead of working them out with you, then sis he ain’t the one. Oh and I think everyone’s conditioning is different. Maybe there are people who don’t feel like this is a big deal to them or that it is important to them, but to you it is. So perhaps also just ask yourself, that do you have a problem with your partner being around other people in their lingerie or are there are other cues about your partner’s behaviour that make you worry along with this one particular incident, because if you’re getting the vibe…then maybe you’re not wrong. Maybe your mind has been picking small things and brushing them aside thinking it isn’t that big a deal.

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Anonymous

Well before even starting to date this person I let them know what I don’t like so they never can say they weren’t aware of this stuff . I mean they were my friend before we even started anything romantic, I could see that they would be in shock when I would talk about not letting my partner at the time go to certain restaurants . Then we started talking and it still didn’t seem to be a big deal until this past week. They said that they felt like I was putting them on a leash , that they want to be able to go with their uncles to certain restaurants like they always have been able to do, that they want to be able to talk to people without being accused of flirting which I never have accused them of flirting I simply made a comment that one of our coworkers seem to be flirting with them ( no one knows that we are talking because I don’t feel 100% comfortable yet) and I was just so perplexed because it wasn’t a big deal before. To top it off they said they love me but that this jealousy thing they can’t do. Which I don’t think it was me being jealous I was just simply stating that I don’t feel comfortable for my partners to go to that type of restaurants. It’s not like I’m always questioning them either. Before I would mention something I didn’t really like we would talk about it and resolve it now when I say something that bothers me all they can say is " I don’t see the big deal " idk it sucks because I don’t think I nitpick everything on the contrary even though I have anxiety I’ve learned to let some things go and just reassure myself that I am overthinking but I don’t think it’s fair for me to not be able to communicate how I feel because they will think that I’m just trying to make them feel like a “little kid who is always in trouble”

Thank you for your comment I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond .

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Anonymous

Also I do understand that this is something new for them since none of their past relationships have had a problem with it before. But we are all different and I personally just don’t like for any of my partners to go to those type of places. But the whole leash and making them feel like a little kid was unnecessary and I just find it weird it wasn’t a problem before. I don’t think it’s the end of the world to stop going to those certain places but who knows.

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Anonymous

See, that’s what I think. There has been an undercurrent you’re feeling because he could’ve handled it better. If your partner is a bit uncomfortable with something you do, it is your job to work that out with them instead of playing blame games. It’s a little immature on their part, honestly speaking. And nobody should have to make you question your own behaviour when you know how understanding and accomodating you’re being. And perhaps at the end of the day, you have to decide what your non-negotiables are. And even if something like this is what you will not tolerate, then there is nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to base your standards on what everyone else tolerates. You have to ensure your own mental peace. And if being with someone constantly makes you feel anxious or worried about what they’re doing or where they are, then something is not right. You would be able to feel secure with the right partner. And I’m not talking about the general worries we have, but the specific ones that people give us because of their actions. That’s something that might always be the case with the current person you’re dating.

TL;DR You get to decide what works for you and what doesn’t, especially when you ARE a rational person and not putting any unnecessary or toxic restrictions or expectations on your partner. Nobody else gets to decide what you should or should not be comfortable with. Because how something makes you feel, comes from within you. You are not unnecessarily trying to make a big deal out of it, you genuinely don’t feel good. And your partner should at the very least acknowledge that and be willing to have a conversation with you about it.

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