Always sit at the day end and thank yourself and others for spreading happiness in your life.

Happy

At this moment while I'm writing this down, I'm at that stage of life where I seriously don't know what to do, I'm alone, confused, want to cry (par ho nahi pata) 
I was a great kid in school, football team captain, house vice captain and never short of female attention (I'm seriously not bragging), but things turned around when my mother had an affair, and my father found about it one day which eventually led the environment of my house to be really toxic, they were splitting up but coz i had 12th boards exam, they decided to live together till i get settled and I'm the only kid. 
I managed to get around 86,and I got into a college that I didn't wanted to coz it's fees was low and we were going through a crisis at that time. 
As the subjects didn't intrest me I started skipping classes, cut short I failed. 
All my friends are getting placed, being in good relationships (I'm seriously happy for them and not being jealous but the thing is what I have made of myself in these past 3 years is eating me everyday) 
I cleared a government exam that I didn't wanted to and now my parents are forcing me to do it even though I hate that job
I seriously don't know what to do, whom should I talk to about this, even my pup dabbu died coz of canine distemper, 
I don't know if someone will reply about this or not, but I hope that I'll manage to get out of this situation very soon. 


Lonely

I always keep of uplifting my peeps but is me today who is feeling anguished this feeling is intense witnessing emotions feels like currents but what do this currents even do? Raise heart beat? Screams in stomach? Or just breathlessness ? I still want to take a moment and life this i know nothing is going to harm nor these emotions its just like the stream of water or perhaps the rain i do feel if there was someone to listen me like i lend my ear to everyone but who has the patience and who really cares? In this world of temporary? Its probably this thought that I’m jotting down or a pen 🖊 that is a real good friend nothing is going to hurt if i don’t let it; its me who has the power to generate and channelize all this emotions this is merely a form of energy thats buzzing inside me and I’m grateful for it because it makes me feel alive this too shall pass and there is yet more to witness Nd more to live ❤️ peace 🌻





Anxiety

I always overthink what happened and then blame myself . Sometimes I said something to someone and then I think I should not have said that to him . But important is what I said is actually right thing , but even though I feel like I should not be that much honest with him . I feel like having so much honest always endup hurting people feeling and then even if it's not my fault , I endup blaming myself ...

Overthinking

Disappointed 😐 

It is Ok If Your bank Balance Is Going to Be Zero. Does it Defines self worth??  I dont Have A Job Now. And Bank Balance Is Going to be zero. I Cant even Apply for Loans. Self Doubt Is Killing Me as If I am Not Good Enough. Without Money i cant Live This Anxiety Fear is Killing me.. I Am Lost and panicked and Not Able to sleep. Family wont Support Coz there are Like You Manage Your thinks Urself. My Parents Dont Support Me. please Tell Me. 

Money Problems

I am a person who's not sure what I want. When it comes to job I cant stay in a place and work. Like infront of pc or laptop working like robots for 8 hours. You will have break time and have to back within that given time. After 5 back to home, eat, rest, sleep then back to work the next day. I wonder most of the time why we human living a robotic life but at the same time I know we have commitments and we have to earn for living. But at the same time I wanna live a life where I can be my own boss. But I enjoy working as an interior architect, at the same time could not handle those 4-5 projects stress. And after trying and trying for vacancies I managed to get customer service job in which I have to travel for 45 mins to work by bike. Its risky to travel by bike but i enjoy working at my new office in which I will be infront of my pc for 8 hours. But my gf is working hard to get me a permanent job at a place since the place Im working right now is under contract term. Now Im confused which one should I go after as the permanent place increments and benefits are better than the place Im working right now. What should I do? Anyone like me? Dont know what they actually want?

Work

I just wanna cry. I’m feeling anxious and I keep waking up too early and taking naps within the day. I usually vacation to California every summer to visit family for two months and every time I leave I always get anxious and sad. It’s difficult to return home when I miss my family in California so much. I have my dad back home and I love him and all but that’s the only person Im really close to back home. I do have one friend who is super close but I’m not too good at keeping up with friendship. Then I’m not only anxious about leaving in a few days but also school. I hate being around so many people and having to interact. Then I have gained weight the last time they saw me and school starts in about a week it’s going to be hard to lose weight in a week. Then my dad will definitely comment on my weight and how I’ve gone up. Then my school made it worse by messing my schedule up. They put me in band when I never signed up for it. That took me out of my Japanese course which I was really looking forward to. I think they should be able to fix it, but I’m not sure. My brother’s schedule also put him in band when he wanted to take another course. I’m scared they won’t be able to change it. I’ve already emailed them but my brother hasn’t woken up yet so he can’t email them. I’m not sure if they’ll respond since they are busy. All this just makes me want to cry. I’m anxious for everything. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the new fridge my dad got while I was away. Everything else makes me want to cry.

I had really low grades in my last 3 exams, especially in math. I used to get 2 questions wrong out of 20 questions but now... I can’t even get half of them right. This only happens in exams though, not when I am just studying. When the exam starts, I suddenly get stressed and solve random equations and questions without sorting them out, Even when I am able to solve it, I make some dumb mistakes and after not being able to solve the question even when I could, I skip that question and try to solve another one and whoa, there is not enough time for me to go and solve that question again. So, when the exam ends, I try to solve it again out of curiosity and find out that if I gave more attention and read some things right, it would take seconds for me to solve that problem. Even after solving all of them, some of my answers are still wrong because I didn’t give enough attentin, or simply didn’t notice some things. You may say, this is not important, grades aren’t important, they don’t affect your worth, etc. But in my country, they do. If you are wondering, just check the Turkish LGS 2021 Maths paper and if you happen to solve one of the hard questions and get it right, then congratulations, you are smarter than a 13 year old kid. Anyway, I always wanted to go to a good high school, one that you have to get 450 points out of 500, which I could have said that would be possible if I keep up my good grades, but I couldn’t. Now I don’t know what to do, I haven’t told my family yet, they still expect me to go to the high school I just talked about, but it is impossible with this grades anyway. This way, I am not going to have a good job when I grow up. I can’t even sleep because I think about this all the time. I don’t want to do things that I used to do. I only want to study, which I can’t do properly because my mentally ill elder sister won’t stop shouting at me and beating me up, she won’t leave me alone since my grandmother died last week. I told my family that my grades have been going down, but I haven’t told them it was this bad and I was messing up every single time. I asked them to find a teacher to guide me spesifically, or send me to a private teaching institution, which they think is unnecesarry. I feel really bad, all my teachers are going to be really mad at me, I don’t even want tonorrow to come. What will I do?

Exam

update on my friend that i reported: hes everywhere omg... im always thinking about him, i see him all the time, i hear him... omfg its so painful to hear every day.. when im hanging out with my bf all i can hear is him and my bf loves to kiss and stuff in public but all i can think about is him... not in a "im scared of him" or a "im in love with him" way... more of a "what is wrong with him" and a "what will i do if he shows up" way... my bf just wants to spend time with me and hes just over across the park or some shit like that. its not like he traumatized me or whatever, but its more like i cant believe i let it happen for a whole year. it was small things but they were very big when i was trying to sleep... i would think "did he really do that" and "why didnt i tell him to stop" i knew what was happening but i let it slide so he could feel better. and my sister doesnt believe he meant to do it all in a sexual way because he gives off a gay vibe. if the school lets this slide because they think hes gay and he didnt mean it im done i swear. my sixth grade brain cant deal with this... i was just watching animatics and listening to the living tombstone like a kid in the middle of her kid emo phase or whatever... this is too much. its really not like he raped me or tried... i dont think he tried to make me feel uncomfy... but he didnt acknowledge the fact that he did it... i tried to bring it up and he would just be like "thats how we joke thought, youre my 'sister' its funny" and he would completely disregard (idk if im using it right pls dont judge if im not)  my feelings. i cant believe im so paranoid over such a dumb fuck. and whilst im in my feels my sister is having sex in her room...  our walls are thin but my moms out of town so ofc shes gonna be loud. so im stuck in the living room. i honestly just wanna get high... my mom and dad are addicted to drugs and my sisters smoke weed and vapes and eat edibles, and i hang out with 7th graders bc my bf and best friends are one and those kids arent good at all... so its expected for me to have be high at least once...  ok its time to wrap this up... bye lol

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts